moment by moment

gotta get the words out

2011-12-08T21:40:00.002-05:00

I've put off writing---out of pure exhaustion.

Every night I lay in bed and hear the words in my head- creating sentences and conversations of things I need to say and release in order to stay of sound mind....Yet I'm often too exhausted to even type it- to roll over & grab my laptop and get it out......

Life is going well...good...really good. I have a week left of my master's program & will be obtaining my Masters in Professional Counseling-Clinical Mental Health focus. I just accepted a job- which I am afraid I took out of haste- and fear it is not the one for me...not because of the clients. Never because of the clients. It's the administration- the management. The Negativity amongst the other counselors- the heavy caseload & limited time to stay atop everything....I had an interview at another place- where I feel I WOULD feel comfortable...a place that puts the clients first- that takes better care of it's counselors- that truly promotes recovery and helps those suffering....I pray this job comes through---soon...

My husband has an amazing job where he is executive chef for a golf course- 2 golf courses technically, as the owner's just bought their second course. People brag on him and all the amazing work he has done and continues to do...on how amazing he is--- this I know, all so well...

And it's good- it's wonderful. Here we are living a dream we never imagined possible....we are both blessed---we are both survivors...we have been given way more than we ever deserved and because of that- we appreciate it in a way others might not...

At the moment, I have him sleeping beside me, with our two doggies snoring on their bed beside us, in our wonderful house, in the great neighborhood....and it feels my heart with such joy....such pride....such amazement..

6 years ago I was battling death...for several years there, I battled death and beckoned it to come to me....i prayed for it to take me. And I was given another chance....and another chance.....and another..

All the while- my husband was playing his own games in his world...welcoming death upon himself as well..and he was given another chance....another try....

Despite all the wonderful going on in our lives, I can recognize that I still get the occasional blues. I am successfully off all psychotropic medication- and just as when on the medication- the winter brings much emotion. Blame it on lack of vitamin D, blame it on genetics, blame it on whatever you may---it's there. I can acknowledge that, express that, and recognize that this time of year I am more emotional and have a lot more generating through my head..

I guess- I almost welcome it-- it keeps me real. It reminds me of just how far I've come. Of all the work I've put into where I am today.

And that recovery is ongoing. When I have feelings of sadness, when I don't think highly of my body, when I want to cry, when I consider the past and all I've been through....It's all just part of my road of recovery & self-discovery....and I'm grateful for all those times- the highs and lows and all in between.

My vow for the end of this year and the upcoming year---to get back in my writing...to start expressing myself in written form again...I deserve it and owe it to myself....

here's to yet another year of beating the odds....and hopes to another day of joy and recovery..

SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome

2011-10-16T22:24:00.002-04:00

July 2004 ....my first try at an SSRI (Selective-Serotonin reuptake inhibitor)...

July 2011....Made the decision to fnally coming off SSRIs....

October 16, 2011...today I lay here- the 5th consecutive day with no SSRI in my system....It has taken since July to slowly lower my dosage, as not to send my body into complete shock from the lack of the SSRI and throw me into extreme SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome....

Way back in 2004 when the doctor first tried me on Zoloft, I was not warned of any Discontinuation Syndrome... I vaguely remember taking the medication for 2- maybe 3 months then stopping cold turkey and coming down with what I thought was the flu. I felt horrible.....however, I was already so mentally unstable, already incredibly depressed and anxious that I cannot recall feeling the overwhelming sense of emotions, as I am now...

It was November 2005 before doctors would put me back on a SSRI....oh, that November...I'll never forget....how could I?...The ambulance ride. The long night and day in ICU. The ride in the back of the police car. The admission to a mental institute.. Being declared mentally unstable- a threat to myself... The state of Georgia calls it a 1013- a psychological code stating the person is unable is either a physical threat to themselves or to others..

I never said I was suicidal. I never said I wanted to hurt someone else. On the contrary- I felt I was doing well- just some back pain....

Yet there I was, in a Mental Institute- held against my will- for a 72 hour observation.... And I agreed to the SSRI- that was all I agreed to...

After those few days there, I agreed to stay on an SSRI- only because I knew it would keep people off my case. Maybe if I took this pill- it would cure me, make me better....or so they thought at least...

Months later- in the second mental hospital- this one by my choice- doctors tried to put me on more medication- antipsychotics- to "deal" with the anxiety... Dealing with the anxiety by means of the medicine meant that I would sleep- i would become a walking zombie- IF they could get me to walk. I knew that was not the route I wanted to take.... I wanted as little medication as possible- I wanted to be able to feel the emotions- so that I could work through things.....

It took a few months, and trying Zoloft, Paxil, and Prozac in various dosages before I told the doctor I was tired of trying medicines that did not seem to work....I gave him one last chance- as I was tired of trying and truly wanted to "quit" recovery- and thus began my relationship with Effexor XR..

I admit- after about a month- the therapist began to notice that I was doing "better"....and looking back- it gave me the jumpstart that I needed in order to be able to talk in therapy. It helped ease the anxiety just enough that I could speak in therapy- but not so much that I didn't feel anything. Oh I felt all right! Those first few months of therapy consisted of me sitting on that couch- crying- or hiding in a tight ball whispering for her to please not look at me....

Oh---...I was so sick....I was hurting so......

and yet, here I am today.....coming off this medicine....I'm not that same little girl anymore. I'm not depressed or anxious....do I sometimes feel depressed or anxious? yes- it just doesn't consume me......

and all these floods of emotions are hitting me...I'm telling myself- rightfully so! Here I am, coming off a medication that I've been on for almost 6 years. Forget the fact that there is a such thing as Discontinuation Syndrome & that most all people who come off this medication go through very similar reactions- I'm taking a huge step in acknowledging that I am in recovery....that I don't need the medicine. I've more coping skills and ways to handle things today than ever before....

and here I am, coming off this medication, right as I finish graduate school, right as I take my NCE for licensure- right as I accept a job in the counseling field....right as I have huge things happening my life...of course I'm going to be emotional- I'd be emotional if I were still taking the medication as usual.......

I'm just uber emotional- and have been the past 5 days, because of the medication....not to mention exhausted, drained, icky feeling....I've wanted nothing more than to lay in bed and "sleep it off".... Even as I type- I feel dizzy- like the computer is moving back and forth---a pressure in the back of my head I cannot explain.

the littlest things---oh my. I missed my exit the other day, which put me a few minutes late meeting my husband and I burst into tears. We went out to eat and had to wait- during which time more people came in and bribed the hostess (we saw the money exchange) and I got so mad I was ready to throw a fit! I bought a drink today (because I wanted the crushed ice) and got in my jeep only to realize the cup had a hole in it and started to cry- then 15 minutes later had severe road rage at a lady who sped around me as I was trying to park....

Just a little emotional....and it has to subside. I read up on it before my doctor & I started to decrease my medication- as I wanted to have the least side effects as possible- so I know that usually after 2 weeks, things go back to normal... Most people who try to stop taking SSRI think that the emotions are the Depression/Anxiety coming back- when in fact, it would take a month or more before signs of depression or anxiety truly returned. This is why most people try to stop taking the medications, freak out, then get back on the medication. Me- I want to get off the medication- for good. I know it works- I know if i ever get truly, severely depressed/anxious again, that I can get on medication- however, I also know that I have numerous ways in which to handle that depression and anxiety. Honestly- I don't ever want to be on this medicine again because I never want to feel this again. ....I'd rather feel the emotions and have to deal with them....Crying never hurt me....and a little anger and frustration can actually help me learn to express myself......

i can truly say----i never thought i'd see this day...thought I'd be on medication for my "mental illness" my entire life...I mean- that IS what those doctors said- that I had a small chance of "getting better"- that I would need medication probably for the rest of my life...that my prognosis was poor....

October 16, 2011....5 days without any SSRI....

and I continue to prove them wrong.....

Wedding thank you!

2011-08-31T18:49:00.002-04:00

Finally ordered my thank you cards....can we say that I'm behind? been a VERY busy few months....cannot WAIT to get these addressed & mailed!

Everlasting Rings Collage Thank You Card

Send thanks with Shutterfly custom Thank You Cards.

View the entire collection of cards.

2011-03-15T22:31:00.002-04:00

it all come back----

in floods and waves- it comes back to me- vibrant and vague---

the words he said to break me- to bend me, twist me, reconfigure and mold me into what he wanted me to be...

comments- "you need a view of your body from someone else"..."You are helping me as well"...

the nights I fell asleep with stained teared pillows- when I clung to my blankets and stuffed animals to fight off the demons...

all the meals I forced myself to eat and the white of my knuckles fighting back urges of compensatory behaviors...

days of being bundled into the corner of her couch as she tried to soothe me into talking and nights of squeezing into a tight ball in the red chair while they tried to convince me it wasn't my fault...

it all comes back---

those first few nights- at a different house- when every method of accidental and purposeful death played through my mind...

people calling wanting information, wanting explanation, wanting to know i was safe

of hiding behind locked doors, walking as fast as I could, checking over my shoulder, scared to look at my phone- terrified i'd see him- somewhere....that he'd find me...

it all comes back---

the feelings of guilt and shame. hopelessness and fear...darkness and death....

uncertain if i'd have the strength to make it through the day....

scared of living and scared of dying....

certain that i'd forever be in such pain & turmoil- that life couldn't possibly get better....that I had done far too much for God to repair.....

and it hits me...

I'll walk down the aisle in 4 days and a wake up-

my life is so incredible i haven't room to complain...

and she spoke the words, "you were so brave and strong"...for speaking up when I did....

hearing her say she's drawing strength from the strength I portrayed...

sometimes---i just need that reminder.....what i did wasn't easy...i hurt for days, weeks, months on end and still have the occasional nightmare...

i was strong and brave to stand up- to be honest....

i needed that reminder...and I'm glad an angel shared that with me tonight

2010-12-30T21:29:00.004-05:00

It seems that the past few months, the only writing I've engaged in have been papers- essays and research- all for my graduate program...

I miss writing...

I miss being able to pour out my heart and soul onto paper- or onto the blog...I miss releasing that which I hold in day after day.

A part of me fears my ability to use written words is slowly dying - or fading away- as I continue in recovery.

It's almost as if before, I was unable to use my physical voice. I couldn't say what I felt or thought- I couldn't use my physical voice to express my soul...and slowly, as I've learned how to speak, I wrote less and less....

I don't want to lose my written words...It is a part of me. Paper and pen held my power and strength- it allowed me to take a stand against the world- to convey that which played in my head over and over again. It allowed me to declare to others "I am NOT okay!"

Today...I'm okay- not perfect, not awful. Actually, I'm pretty good considering where I have been before and the depths I have seen... Despite all the odds, I continue to strive and grow and learn... When I face mountains in the road, I find a way to climb over or go around...

Thanksgiving and Christmas were a bit difficult, yet I still managed to stay a step ahead of the depression and eating disorder....

He was there....for the first time since 2005, I saw him.. Briefly on Thanksgiving, as we made a get-away before I had to actually converse with him. Christmas- not such luck. I saw him as we drove up to be with family- and I felt the sickness all over again in my stomach. My insides twisted and turned- and the voices started all over again. I felt the tears and the fear all over again...even as I write, I feel tears starting to form and the hard knot in my chest. I wanted to run and hide- I wanted to find a safe place and hug myself tight- to close myself out from the world. I felt like a child all over again- scared, afraid- knowing that i was tainted, used- that I was the bad little girl.

And I knew it was expected of me to keep the peace. That I was supposed to walk in and act as if nothing had ever happened...I was supposed to be the "sweet little girl", the perfect one.

I'm sad to say, I played the part- again. I played the role that I had played for so many years. Silly sweet me- the baby of the family...

I cringed as he came to give me a hug...the anxiety filled my every cell and I wanted to escape- to dissociate into a void...perhaps for moments I did...All that kept me grounded was having my Fiance by my side- yet even still, I did not feel safe.

He hugged me and told me I looked good.

..."look good"...my full, womanly body of curves..my wide hips that serve as a mating call...my breasts that attract nursing babies...my rump that gives me much cushion..

I wanted my emaciated body back...I wanted to be unattractive...I wanted my legs to be bones- for my shape to be straight. I wanted to be the size of a child who's not reached puberty...I wanted to run behind my mother's leg and hide myself....I wanted to retreat back into the comfort of my eating disorder...

I made it through the day---and I didn't act out...I suppose that's a success...But I still thought about it and wanted it...I just knew that it was no longer an option. I knew that going back would never solve the problem and that going back would mean losing all I have fought so hard to earn...

I admit my body awareness has been high as of late...the stress of the holidays, school, work, and the upcoming wedding leads me to focus a bit more on my flaws than on what I actually need to be doing to get things done. I admit I find many flaws in my body that I wish were a quick fix--almost that I could restrict to lose the added weight...yet I know I have to continue the road of recovery...if I want to shape up or lose any weight, I have to eat healthy and exercise in moderation and pray that my body has mercy on me....I cannot resort to extremes, as I get addicted to the extremes and forget how to find a way out.. So while many are making extreme resolutions to lose x amount of weight, I have to accept that I can only be the healthiest I can be and be happy with that....a feat that isn't always easy- but I know will be worth it in the long haul.

in other news-

I am about to begin a very hectic-crazy quarter...I will be interning at a mental hospital around 15 hours a week, working 40 hours a week, going to school 10 hours a week, and planning a wedding...don't ask me what I was thinking or when I'm going to sleep or how I'm going to survive...All I know is that I will make it through- it's what I do...

I'm a survivor...I push through the obstacles and overcome what I face.

2010-08-03T13:10:00.002-04:00

I'll never stop trying to help others....it's a part of my life now....always looking for ways to make the world a better place...always looking to understand the disorders that took so many years of my life---that shaped me into who I am today...

recently my friend, slash that--my SISTER in recovery, Shannon, referenced to me on her flickr account ...I wept as I read the words and was taken back to those moments at Ridgeview...a month in a treatment center---wondering how I'd landed myself...knowing I needed recovery- but uncertain if I was truly ready....unsure if I wanted it badly enough...To those who do not unverstand mental illness, I cannot explain what it provides the "sick" person...I was dying, from the inside out, losing relationships, losing life---yet at the same time, I was alive and comforted in my disorder. It gave me strength to make it through the day....A therapist once said to me, "Sherri- your eating disorder is your life raft and it's slowly sinking.." She went on to describe that I was clinging to this raft that was sinking because I was caught in a vicious river...that I would let go of my raft and swim a bit, but would go back to my raft and each time I grabbed back to my raft, it would sink a little more...It was killing me- but also keeping me alive. I needed my eating disorder, I needed the depression and PTSD in order to live in the world. I had no other way of living but to cling to rafts that would only keep me afloat for a bit....
I needed my sickness....had it not been there- perhaps I would have drown...perhaps the thoughts of suicide would have taken me completely under...I look back at my eating disorder- at all my sickness- with much appreciation....without it, I know, with perfect fact, that I would not be where I am today...

Today, I sit in the public library- researching eating disorders for my research class. I have to write a paper---propose a study. Millions of topics in the psychology world that I could study---and I'm brought back to what brought me here.... I'm a rare statistic...
Recently I looked back at my intake and release forms from Ridgeview...
as I checked in- my GAF score was a 20....as I released- 40 with the words "poor prognosis". The doctors felt I would be back in treatment - that I would need several bouts of inpatient treatment before I would begin recovery...in fact, many of my friends that I met in treatment have been back- several times...some---still not in recovery.... Yet 4.5 years later, I have my bachelor's degree in Psychology and am working on my Masters in Professional Counseling. Turning what I've learned, what I've experienced, what almost killed me, into ways to help others....

My eating disorder, the depression, the abuse----it doesn't define me anymore...and I've since learned that it no longer provides me with the comfort---it no longer serves the purpose of helping me stay afloat in the world...when I attempt to cling to it today- water gushes in my lungs and I'm taken over by the waves and the current..it no longer saves my life---and I can guarantee you, if I truly went back to it- it would take my life...instead I have other ways to coping and dealing with the world....However, it's never far from me. I have reminders throughout the day of what I've been through...my achilles heel---my soft spot...any time I look at my rich, red cheeks and full bright eyes, knowing they were once sunken; any time I see other girls, clearly struggling with that which was once my life; everytime I have aches and pains or medical issues, swallowing that fact that I abused this body for a long time and probably caused damage; everyday I look into the eyes of my loving fiancee who tells me he thinks I'm beautiful....every moment I put a morsel of food in my mouth.....I'll never forget...I don't want to forget....I want to help....I want to carry the message forward and continue living.

so here I sit---working on research for what can assist those to recover with eating disorders....

it's my duty....I lived so that I can carry hope for future generations....and I'll never stop trying

2010-04-21T12:08:00.003-04:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/For_the_Love_of_Nancy

something about lifetime movies get me....everytime..

I remember watching this movie years ago----thinking to myself, "..I must not have an eating disorder because I'm not her size..." I'd watch movies on Eating disorders and convince myself that I wasn't like that---that I wasn't that sick....
....and then I ended up in ICU, attached to heart monitors, listening to the nurses whisper, hearing the doctor tell me I was going to die......
This movie now makes me cry. How sick I was to be so blind- not realizing how sick I was, letting it get to where it did, hurting so many people, almost killing myself along the way...
Today, it almost seems like a bad dream---light years away. Sometimes I wonder if it all really happened....was I really that sick?....was it real?

and it was....It was real. I drew near death, I clung to death, I wanted death....and I'm living to tell the tale...
I know what it's like to taste death...I know what it's like to hate everything about myself---to feel out of control, overwhelmed, overtaken by life. I know what it's like to barely cling to life, to debate in my head over and over about whether or not life is even worth it....
Even to type it still sends chills down my spine---to see where my life is today----how happy, how joyful, how wonderful I feel and still cling to the truth that life hasn't always been this way...
It makes me sad, knowing the road I've traveled....yet also makes me feel extremely blessed to know that I'm one of the few statistics....I'm one of the few in active, healthy recovery....
the eating disorder will always be a part of who I am...It still creeps in at times and tries to take my joy----I've gotten better at noticing it and standing strong in who I am. the memories will always be there....I cannot go back, nor would I......as hard, as awful, as scary as it all was, that time of my life has shaped me into the woman I am today...........

sometimes i just have to remind myself of the past...to pause and remember, to reflect over what has gotten me to where I am today....

I'm a survivor....and that's not a cliche, nor am I saying it in the weak meaning of the word...I am a true survivor---of abuse, of an eating disorder, of near death.....

i challenge people to watch this movie and to reflect on those in their lives who suffer from mental disorders-- especially eating disorders....and to do all they can to get the awareness out, to fight, to stand for recovery and health.....

a ring on my finger and song in my step

2010-03-29T11:55:00.002-04:00

I keep looking down and seeing that it's real----He really did propose to me....we really are going to plan a wedding and get married...

This past week, Paul & I went to NYC for vacation and to see his bro-in-law in a Broadway show. Again and again we have talked about marriage and engagement and he'd stressed that at the moment, he just could not afford a ring---and we'd somewhat agreed to put it off until we finished school (2 years- give or take a few months).
The ladies I work for had asked me did I think he was going to propose on this trip----while I had hoped he would, I just KNEW he wasn't. I'd already set myself to know that he would NOT, and was hoping I'd at LEAST have a ring by Christmas....
Needless to say, when he popped the question at Rockefeller's Top of the Rock observatory, overlooking the New York skyline- I was shocked....I couldn't even say yes! I think eventually he grabbed me and asked did I hear him and was that a yes.
I'm still in shock...
I still look down just to check and make sure it was real...

it's not just having a ring on my finger---it's SO much more than that! He could have bought a ring from the gumball machine for all I truly cared...
What i care about is that he wants to spend his life with me- that he loves me- that he wants us to be a family...
I can't help but think of all that brought us to where we are today---the both of us- having been through quite a bit in our lives. Ups and downs, downs and outs...we both drew so near giving up on life....we've been used, abused, stomped on---we've pulled away from the people we cared about because we didn't feel worthy of having people care about us...we tried to do things our own way, only to discover that we couldn't...and just when we were ready to give up and throw in the quitting towel, God, "HP" as Paul calls him", pulled us through...and brought us together.
Two very different people, from very different lives....two people who soar where the other fails, who balances each other out...Two people who are coming together as one...
I'd go through all of it all over again----just because it got me here....with him....with a ring on my finger, a song in my step, and love in my heart.

There's a place

I've been looking for

That took me in and out of buildings

Behind windows, walls and doors

And I thought I found it

Couple times, even settled down

And I'd hang around just long enough

To find my way back out

I know now

the place that I was trying to Reach

Was you, right here in front of me

[CHORUS]

And I wouldn't change a thing

I'd walk right back through the rain

Back to every broken heart

On the day that it was breakin'

And I'd relive all the years

And be thankful for the tears

I've cried with every stumbled step

That led to you and got me here, right here

It's amazing what I let my heart go through

To get me where it got me

In this moment here with you

And it passed me by

God knows how many times

I was so caught up in holding

What I never thought I'd find

I know now, there's a million roads

I had to take

To get me in your arms that way

[Repeat Chorus]

In a love

I never thought I'd get to get to-here

And if that's the road

God made me take to be with you

[Repeat Chorus]

And I'd relive all the years

And be thankful for all the tears

I've cried with every stumbled step

That led to you and got me here, right here

Oh, baby-OooOh, got me here

it's near that time

2009-12-17T21:11:00.004-05:00

have i mentioned that I am dating BY FAR the sweetest person I have EVER met?...seriously...I mean it. Take this example:
I had my surgery 2 weeks ago today. Last weekend was rainy...and I'm on crutches...mind you- i'm getting VERY good on those crutches...but i'm no crutches. Did you know that I'm a very self-sufficient person? did you know that i cannot STAND to ask for help? So what does my awesome-humorous God do? He brings me to a place where i HAVE to ask for help!
SO- last weekend---it'd been a week since I had had my surgery. I had stopped taking pain pills after the 3rd day because I wanted to be able to drive (i'm driving with my left foot btw). It was rainy all weekend, when I went to the mall with a friend it was crowded and NOT wheel-chair or crutch friendly, I couldn't get to the kitchen to get a drink or something to eat without near falling from the crutches or putting weight on my leg (which really hurts to do)...add to that the fact that I was about to start my monthly cycle so I was irritable and emotional (you really wanted to know that, didn't you?)...
Anyway---so that's the scenario. And I was trying to get dressed to go have supper with my boyfriend's family:......
and I lost it...I started to tear up and couldn't stop them...but I quickly choked them down...we went to dinner, came back home- and I REALLY lost it. I mean- sobbing, unable to catch my breath, snot everywhere, crying...
and what did my loving boyfriend do?

he held me....he took me in his arms, told me he loved me, and validated my crying. He said I had reason to cry because of the pain and frustration and that I could cry as long as I wanted to. He would capture my tears and kissed my tear-stained face and told me again and again that he loved me....

I have the best boyfriend ever- seriously. He knew just what I needed in that moment of the meltdown...

Gosh...I---I just don't even know how to word the love I have for this man... I've never loved someone deeply or cared for someone the way i care for him...and the way he accepts me- the way he takes in all that I've been through- all that has affected me...the way he listens patiently and accepts me for who I am. The way he knows just what I need when I need it- the way he cares for me- getting up in the middle of the night to ensure that I don't fall as I make my way to the bathroom on crutches in the dark...the way he's so giving and willingly to make sacrifices in his life for me...the way he loves me- loves me...when I look in his eyes, when he holds me close- when i'm with him- i know I'm loved- I know I'm safe...I am complete with him.......

I know I'm gushing...I tend to do that when I talk about him- I simply have to! He is so loving and caring- I just want everyone to know that I have found the most amazing man for me.

.......Who would have guessed years ago that God would have placed us together----from 2 different worlds- coming to make a world together...I am SO blessed.

I LOVE THIS MAN!!!!

2009-12-05T21:54:00.003-05:00

Long time since I last posted....so here's the quickest update:

I am still nannying sweet, baby Emma. She makes my day bright with her beautiful smile and funny noises.

I'm in graduate school for my Professional Counseling masters degree. So far, I've had amazing grades and I am LOVING it! My professors are amazing....one is actually the Counselor of the eating disorder group I'm in- so she knows me and has been mega supportive of me being back in school.

A few months ago, I finally reached my breaking point with my knee and went to the doctor. At first the doctor thought my knee might heal on my on---but my boss- the ER doctor- suggested I see an orthopedist. After 5 weeks of being on crutches (via the first doc), then 6 weeks of physical therapy to get full movement and strength back in my knee (via the orthopedist)- Thursday, Dec 3, I had surgery.

Come to find out, I had an abnormal growth on my meniscus. The doc said sometimes during development it will continue to grow- which mine must have- and then will cause problems later in life. He cut this part of my meniscus out and then repaired a tear that I have. Currently, my knee is wrapped and hurts and itches and I really want to take off the dressing but I have to wait til monday!!!

So- for the record- Mama says I am not one to take drugs easily. I fought the anesthesia and wanted to get up---the nurses said I kept asking "can I run now?"---guess that shows you what I REALLY want to do! The medication mixed with the pain made me very weak and puny--there were a few blackouts and near faints- but luckily I've had people helping me out. Mama stayed with me the day of---she said I was funny on the meds- very talkative and didn't make sense!

and Paul has been taking care of me since. He has been so sweet! He even washed my hair because I felt so grimy!

Today I'm feeling SO much better. I think it's the first day I haven't blacked out---though I still have been resting a lot. I can't put weight on my right leg so I'm having to stay on crutches---and that knee is still very sore and tender so I'm having to be very careful....

BUT---the doctor said he expects a full recovery and that I WILL be able to run again!!!

YAY!!!!!!!!

Christmas is coming up soon----Paul & I have been decorating his place...

My sister is engaged and will be marrying 2 days before my birthday.....

life is moving on.....

I feel more balanced, more relaxed---more alive than I ever have felt before...

LIFE IS GREAT!!!

2009-10-13T10:56:00.002-04:00

Things in life are rolling right along....
I started graduate school. I have a great job. I'm in love. The relationship with my parents and family has improved immensely....

despite all that---there is still a part of me that hurts...Nightmares still come....
I'll never forget....i'll never fully be able to forget the abuse...the pain...the heartbreak.

I know God has plans to use all that I experienced to grow me and to help others...i know that. I feel guilty everytime I think "I wish it hadn't been me." Everything I went through landed me in this beautiful life I'm in today. I truly am living a beautiful life...

So, why then, do nightmares and flashbacks still come? I tell myself it's so that I always remember where I've been---so I never forget---because the day I forget, the day I can say it doesn't hurt at all- is the day I'm no more useful to anyone... I tell myself having been through what I have is what will make me most useful to others....in order to truly sympathize with someone who is in pain, I have to know what pain feels like...

I know what pain is...i've felt pain....

and today, I live a beautiful life...
.....

......it's a beautiful life

things NEVER to say to an ED patient

2009-09-30T16:06:00.002-04:00

...so I was out getting tea today at Starbucks with a friend. we'd decided to get tea and go to the "small" (that's a small-mall) here in town....
I got my tea and was putting a bit of cream and sweetner in it and an acquaintance came over to me...I KNOW she meant well- but one of the worst things you could say to an eating disorder patient came out of her mouth:
"You look good. you look---um healthy. you look like you are doing well"
first off, for the record, I AM doing well. In fact, I've NEVER done as well as I am doing now...
BUT---that is the LAST thing I want to hear. why, you ask?
When you approach an eating disordered person with a comment about their body- all of your good intentions are washed away and all they hear is the voice of the eating disorder. ...so what did I hear?
"YOu have gained weight. you are fatter now. you must be better because you are bigger"
I KNOW THIS IS ALL IN MY HEAD. don't get confused, I know that she meant well and just wanted to say she hoped my outsides, my having gained weight, is just a sign that my insides are well, too---that emotionally I'm more stable...
the problem lies in this: any time you say anything body related to an eating disorder patient/person, you automatically lose their interest; you spark that voice inside them that they fight so hard to ignore....
WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ABLE OUR BODIES?!
why does it have to be about our looks?
why can't you just come and say, "Hey haven't seen you in a while. how are you? what is new with you?"
why must you bring up our bodies?
i lived years- years- with self-hatred for my body. I've had to fight, blood, sweat, and tears, to make my life something different. I have to fight daily to focus on my life instead of my body. Frankly- I don't want you, average american, to point out that I "look" better. I can see it in the mirror every day. Frankly, there are few people i want to hear about my body from----other patients who know what it's like to have to go through a body transformation and my boyfriend. I don't even want to hear it from my family and close friends...I don't want you to point out that I've gained weight or lost weight because you have no idea what the voices in my head have yelled at me every day of my life...I don't want you to reitterate that I've gained weight because I already have to fight against the voices that tell me that I've gained too much weight, that I'm worthless and fat and lazy. I also don't want you to point out if i've lost weight because that only empowers that voice in my head that says "You can lose just a bit more...a bit more and no one will know"
I want to hear from you "I miss you. how is school? how is work? how is life? how is your leg?- (seeing that it's in a stablization brace)"
I want to hear from you, "I'm concerned. are you ok? do you want to talk? do you want me to distract you with a funny story?"
I want you to listen. I want you to keep the conversation as far away from body talk as possible. I've lived an internal hell in my brain- hearing voices that tell me my worth depends on my body, listening to lies that my eating disorder tell me...quite honestly, I don't want to talk about bodies at all unless I'm with others who suffer from the same disease because they are the only ones who understand the battle in my head....
and for the record, you average women who are out there- you women who say you have no eating disorder, who say you don't have body issues: ---stop trying to kid yourself. we see you looking an extra time in the mirror. we see your brain contemplating that muffin at starbucks- knowing you want it, but beating yourself up because you know if you got it you'd have to work out an extra hour. You women out there you say to us, "embrace your body"- we see you. we see you on the treadmills pressing that extra mile because you know you have to go out to eat with your husband. we see you trying on jeans and examining the size of your butt in the mirror. we see you tug at your shirt because it's a bit too tight. we see you eat that piece of cake then skip supper and breakfast the next day.....
we see you....don't try to kid us...we are trying to get real with ourselves, with our families, with you...

and while we are at it, how about we go ahead and make a pact NOT to talk about our bodies or food or weight while we are eating, or have just eaten, or about to eat? One of the worst things is knowing I'm about to treat my body right- by having a meal- and hear someone say "Oh i'm just not that hungry- just a plain salad will do." or hearing the latest craze in diets. or hearing women talk of how they just want to lose a bit more weight...

I used to think all the food talk, all the weight talk, all the body talk, was just in my head...instead, everyday, I'm finding more and more that it's in my head- but it's also around me....it's in every women- some more so than others- and we are just reinforcing it in each other....
and I simply cannot put up with it any longer. I'm doing well- getting my life on track...I'm learning that I have to accept my body- i have to nurture my body- I have to treat it right because it IS a temple to my soul---and IF I want to complete whatever it is on thie earth that God, my higher power, created me to do, then I must take care of my temple...I'm working to do what I can- doing each next right thing...

I know the quote "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent"...i know that your words are simply words and that I can take and do with them what I please---but please understand that when you talk to a person who has an eating disorder, there is a negative voice inside their heads that twists everything you say...please understand, it's not as easy to hear what you say when it involves our bodies...or food- or weight....The more solid we get in recovery, we recognize this- which is why I know you mean well when you say I "look better"....thank god I know my worth isn't defined on how i "look"---many girls and guys are not yet to that stage and your seemingly harmless words can make or break them...

......
it's just a thought that's been on my mind for over 5 years now....something I've battled the past 3 years of recovery....something I finally had to get off my chest today....
don't bring our bodies into the issue....
a simple "hey- how are you" will suffice.....

one step closer

2009-08-17T23:16:00.002-04:00

this morning I filled out financial aid information and signed for yet another school loan----
which means...................
I'm ONE step closer to starting graduate school!!!!
yay!!! *does a little happy dance*
not to gloat---but I'm really proud of myself for continuing my education and for wanting to get as far as I can with my education.
that said- I KNOW it's only because of God that I've been able to come this far..I am very grateful that He is paving a way for me to further my education so that I may get my license in counseling.

on another note---i simply love and adore the girls of my monday group. they have my heart! let me explain- monday nights, I attend a 12-step group for EDs. We share our experiences, our strength, and our hope with one another- our "esh". Sometimes, I admit, I'm tired and would like to go home and veg out and get to bed- but I've made a commitment to going- and everytime I go I am blessed. They get me- they understand my rambling words- they hear the words that I leave unspoken- and I am so grateful for them. We are all on different journeys, in different stages, but each one helps me in so many ways; they motivate me just by showing up; they inspire me on days I feel un-inspirational. I simply love them!

another note--- I have been beyond blessed lately with this new job. The baby will be a month old on Aug 20 and she gets more darling everyday. The parents are amazing God-fearing people with huge hearts. I pray God will use me to bless them as they've entrusted me to care for their precious daughter.

random bit--- last night the boyfriend and I went to his mom's and fixed sushi- and oh my goodness- it was the bomb! (gosh that phrase is old school). we made our own rolls out of the veggies that my amazing chef boyfriend chopped (how handy to have him in the kitchen!). Let's just say- we each made 3 rolls and after 2 rolls I was STUFFED! my rolls were loaded: rice, shrimp, avacado, zucchini, squash, onion, & cucumber. Gosh- it was so delicious! I cannot wait to have home-made sushi again!
and as if eating supper with his mom isn't awesome enough----we also got some good chat time. She is an amazing lady---seriously. Her story is packed with things that will make you laugh and make you cry...for instance- she adopted 6 children and fostered probably over 50 throughout the years. Whenever I talk with her, she tells me story after story of different kids...i can't tire of them- even when Paul does *wink*. we were talking last night and randomly she said "you are going to be the one to write my story aren't you?" she said that people have told her she ought to write a book- but she says she's not a good writer. We joked for the next bit that I will be the one to write it for her----oh the honor that would be! -to compile all these different stories of the kids and their stories---how incredibly honoring that would be. As we left she hugged us both and said to me "now get started on that book!"....oh for such a thing to come true! That WOULD be awesome!
what is even more eerie than that---while we were on the way to her house earlier that day, Paul & I were joking about the future and he said "you'll have to make some big bucks for that!" and i said "just wait til i get my book published!" Crazy.......

i'm exhausted after a full weekend---suppose i should find some sleep....
whoever is out there---whoever is reading this---thanks...thanks for letting me speak my truth and tell my story....i pray you will be blessed indeed!

2009-08-14T13:34:00.002-04:00

i just HAD to post this link:
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32393894/ns/entertainment-celebrities/

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/32415042#32415042

PLEASE GO READ THIS!!!

I woke up this morning- and then was digusted at this interview. SELF and Kelly are at fault for allowing this cover to be cropped in such a way---i know "beauty sells" but this goes too far! if she IS the most inspiring woman, then show her as she is!!!!
more than anything- it just makes me sad....and scared for young girls and other women who are not confident in themselves...I've fought hard to get to where I am today and I admit that I'm not always 100% happy with my body----but I'm learning and growing. Fact is, my body is beautiful because God made it this way...
i just wish we had more positive influences out there and less of the media showing us what "perfect" is supposed to look like.........

2009-08-13T22:23:00.003-04:00

Once again, God has proved that He is faithful- that HE will provide...
i recently accepted a job as a nanny for a newborn (july 20 was her birthdate). How precious she is! I had just begun to get anxious about my financial situation--so i put the concern in my God box and before i knew it, a family was contacting me needing help. The parents are extremely sweet and understanding. The baby- Emma- is so adorable! I mainly come late in the afternoon and stay overnight to handle nightly feedings because the dad works in the ER & pulls longs shifts...it has truly been a answer to my prayers...they are so laid back---and the mom is only a few years older than me. I knew it was a fit the first interview when they asked would I be comfortable reading bible stories to the baby. Bells in my head went off- ding ding ding- and I knew God had once again showed me that when i put my faith in Him- He WILL see me through!

on a fun note- 31st of July, Paul & I flew out to Seattle to take a dog to his sister (long confusing story!) Mind you, I had NEVER been on a place before...can you imagine I was a BIT nervous! but OH MY GOODNESS!! it was SO beautiful out there! the weather was fabulous (even though they were in a heat wave), the air was NOTHING like this south Georgia humidity! I could straighten my hair in the morning and it STAYED straight all day instead of frizzing out! Not to mention- there was fresh produce growing EVERYWHERE!! Blackberries are like a weed there and I was eating them like my life depended on it! We went down to the Farmer's Market at Pike Place---let's just say- I could LIVE there! The entire time, Paul & I were joking at how we want to move up there---but I know we just went at the right time because come October it gets dark and dreary there--and I would most likely abhor it- as I HAVE to have my sunshine. .Gah- i could gab on and on about how amazing it was and how much fun we had. I definitely needed that trip...His sister's family is AMAZING! Their two kids were adorable & I wished we wouldn't have had to leave---but, alas, Georgia called us back.....i do hope we get to visit again though!

so- i have applied to graduate school and meet monday morning with the admissions lady to set up my financial aid! yay! I'm so excited that I this far in the process of being accepted. The professor i know from the college says I will get in-- I just keep praying! I do know that when I turned in my application, my personal statement brought the admissions lady to tears as she choked up "this is the best I have read in a very long time...I have a very good feeling about you." Gah! I'm trying not to get my hopes too high in the chance that I do not get accepted--it's so exciting to think in a few months I may start working towards my Masters and that I could possibly have my license in 2.5 years! I'm just praying God place me where He wants me!

It's crazy how life is rolling right along...everyday i stop and think- wow am I blessed! I am so incredibly blessed to have this- another day, another time, another life- to live...Everyday, I strive to put recovery on top of my list behind God. I know that where I am today is truly only a hint of grace and that I cannot take it for granted...and everyday, God is showing me more and more---and just when I think He cannot bless me anymore- HE DOES!!! When I talk to people about it- tears whell in my eyes, tears of joy, of peace...it's just so incredibly amazing that I was so lost, yet God sought me...how awesome to know you are never too far gone...

i'm on night-baby-duty...and I hear the baby stirring..it's time for her feeding then hopefully she will go down and sleep a few hours. guess that's my cue to get off the computer--but i just had to blog--to let it out once again how great God is....may you realize that today as well.....

2009-07-21T12:09:00.002-04:00

the past few months have been tough...the past 2 weeks have been tougher....
it's hard knowing you are in a situation--feeling in your gut that it's not good, not going to get better, and is only hurting you--yet staying there...

i grew up never knowing my voice...i was the baby- what i said was "cute"..never validated, only passed off as "not knowing"...my voice wasn't worth anything.....

and so i let it disappear...i let it slip away from me...
and time and time again, it put me in situations where i was the victim...and i played a good victim..I let people run over me, take advantage of me, use me...i let their words tear me apart...i let them "have my lunch", I let them "take my serenity"

i know one lesson i need to hold to is to learn to trust my gut---to listen when i know things are uncomfortable and to state my truth...I need to learn that I cannot control factors around me. I cannot make things better...if I'm doing all that I can- all that I know that I need to do- then I need to rest...i cannot control others or change their opinions. i cannot make them act one way or another...i can only control my actions...and there comes times when it simply will not get better no matter how hard i try...

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway. "

these are words i long to live by...
my heart hurts and breaks over the way certain things happened- but i know, in the long run, I will grow from this experience...

more importantly- i know i'm loved...i know there are people who love me and support me.
my boyfriend has been amazing...he has been a sounding board- even when it hurt him that i was hurting so... he helped get my mind off other things- kept me busy...he held me when i just needed to cry..he told me again and again that i was beautiful and that he loved me...
my mom and sister have been wonderful too---it brings tears to my eyes just realizing how amazing they've been when less than a year ago i was terrified to talk to them- too scared to use my voice around them...now, they've brought me smiles, reassured me things will work out, even stepped up and offered to pitch in financially if i need help....
God is so awesome....my family is coming together...or maybe- it's me finally able to go to my family...slowly i'm finding my voice there---and i know that means in the long run, i'll learn to use my voice with others...

despite the pain and hurt i have from the way a few things went down recently,- ultimately i know that i'm okay and that i'm growing...if i weren't growing, it wouldn't hurt so...it's all part of God chiseling at my heart, placing me in the fire....helping mold me into who he wants me to be..

...it still hurts...but i know i'll get through....

on a side note....i'm afraid i've truly injured my knee much worse than i originally assumed....it was just a nagging pain--but since December, it's only gotten worse..last night i was ready to call a doc and schedule an appointment..it hurts- whether i sit, stand, bend it, or keep it straight.....problem is- i dont' want to go to the doc because i'm afraid i don't have insurance.....
i'm praying that i can get in with a doc soon...i'm afraid the longer i put it off, the worse it will get...and i cannot afford to be having anything majorly wrong.........blah....

2009-07-06T22:29:00.003-04:00

things are still rolling along...
part of me keeps waiting for something to happen- waiting for the ball to drop- for the bottom of the cloud to fall...
yet here i still sit...calm, comfortable...

I had my last session with my therapist a week ago-...the therapist I've been with for 3 years...over the past 8 months we've been slowly weaning off, going from every week, to every other week, to once a month..it was quite the session. I caught her up-to-date with where my life is today- how i've been handling changes and new-found love...we shared laughter and tears as we looked back, briefly, at where I was when i first walked in her doors and where I am today. She spoke of me, that first session back in April of 2006, when I came in, huddled into myself, hunched over, never making eye contact- "a scared, hurt little girl" and where I am today- standing tall, enjoying life, "a beautiful, glowing woman"...
it is so bizarre. 3 years ago, i never even imagined i would make it to where I am today- no longer needing weekly sessions just to get by...but she assured me that she will still be there for me to call anytime i need, even if I just want to check in and catch her up to date...and i gave her the go-ahead that any time she needed me, or wanted to use me and my life with others, she could.....I love her..she was the stability, the"outside looking in" that i needed........i will forever be grateful that God placed her in my life.

as I type, I'm sitting with this amazing man who says he loves me...we cooked for his family tonight and enjoyed their company...sometimes, i still get scared---nervous?...i fear being hurt again- being used again...memories of the past come swooping in and get flustered and feel the knot in my throat---but then I remember to breathe and remind myself that i cannot dwell on the past. I can only focus on what he tells me today and today he said he loves me...I have to trust that, i have to let go and give all my control to God- because time and time again, when things were in my hands, i only managed to get myself in a deep pit.. I am powerless over others, over circumstances, over feelings..i'm powerless over a lot of things---but I CAN pray and trust and hope and do what I know i need to do...that's all i can do for today...and for today- that is enough......

life is rolling right along and I'm no longer spinning off the side of the earth---i'm rolling right along with it- ups and downs and inbetweens---and today- that is enough.

...just today...

2009-05-22T12:18:00.003-04:00

it seems life has taken on a new course- one i didn't expect, don't know how to navigate, but am traveling nonetheless.

today----where am i today?....
currently I sit in starbucks, sipping on my caramel light frap, trying to stay out of this rain that continues to hover over our town....my itunes is randomly playing, trying to pick out songs for a new cd for the hour drive i'll embark tonight....

so what is new?.....what ISN'T new is more the question i have to ask myself!

lighter news first- i'm still nannying but also currently looking at nearby universities at master programs in counseling. I have found one that I am very interested in, but the school is an hour commute, and worse, it is private. Mind you, i have nothing against private schools, but my bank account does! I'm in the process of talking this over with my parents, weighing the options---is it worth it to get my masters in 2 years but have to take out loans of $40K-$50K?...it would put me in my field sooner and would give me a solid occupation so that when i DO go to get my doctorate, I can already be working in the field...........at the moment, I'm thinking this is my best bet. They offer classes at night and on the weekend- so I could technically still have a daytime job. And an added bonus- since they are private, i could do my internship practically anywhere I wanted to! Looks like I'm going to fill out the application and see where God leads me... I've learned time and time again that regardless of what i want, what GOD wants will happen....

other news---I sold my 2000 Dodge Stratus- Sally. 7 years together we had...lots of road trips...lots of time together. it was almost heartbreaking to see her go. we've had such times together---times that some people won't understand... Like all those days of commuting to community college, of leaving to go find places to "act out" in my disorder, days of endless tears that fell as I drove...those longer trips when the decision was made to get help...Sally was even there when I checked into treatment---and there when i got back home...then the year of driving almost 100 miles one way just to see the therapist...I had an attachment to Sally...she was my car---i'd payed for her..i'd worked hard..good memories and bad are in that car...but it was time to "grow up", per say. time to move forward and start new memories....she was getting old- with 170,000miles- my parents didn't want me to risk driving her much longer. so i sold her and got a 2005 Jeep liberty. It just topped 50,000 miles but it was a deal of a buy. I am coming to love it---but have yet to come up with a name. I'm sure with time he'll be named...he suits me well---i'm referring to it as my grownup suv...

i'm continuing to grow in recovery. God is SO good! He's placed some AMAZING ladies in my life who are teaching me so much, who support me...i'm working a 12 step program and can see God moving in my life and in those around me...it's so amazing. just to be where I am today- enjoying this frappuccino--just to be "ok" with that fact that my body is no longer "thin"...i never saw it coming...i never thought I'd come to the point I have--yet, with this program and the work i'm doing, i know that it will get ever better...I'm here to say- that even if it never gets any better than it is today, then i will still feel so blessed. God has taken the ashes of my life---the bruises, cuts, scars- and is changing them into SOMETHING- what I do not know...but He is making them into something beautiful..something that I don't recognize, but that i embrace and want....I want these "promises"..I want all that I can get out of recovery. I do not want to sit on the side line and have the minimum--i want it all! I want to feel the freedom and relief and peace....

and while all this is going on with the newfound ladies in my life---a certain man has also entered the mix...how he came in is still a work of God--yet he is in my life today. And today, he says he loves me. He accepts me- all of me, the good, the bad, the past, the present, and the future. He understands me in a way i thought no man could. He sees past the walls I built and is slowly helping me to crush the walls and let him in. I love spending time with him and we get along so well. we each come with our flaw and defects, but where I struggle, he soars and where he struggles, I soar. we balance each other well...ironically---he's a chef. i have to laugh everytime i think of that! me- with a chef!!! Only my God would do something so funny as that---but it's obviously God doing for me what I cannot do for myself... Our families come from different ends of the spectrum, yet we both have down to earth families who just love us and want us happy. He's city, I'm country---so we planted a garden, and his family laughs at the fact that he's now listening to country songs and digging in the dirt----but he loves it, i love him, and he loves me. He has a way of taking my breath away, a way of taking the hurt in my heart and sprinkling it with love--with spontaneous "i love you"s and "you are beautiful"s...God has been so good to me. the things that I am insecure about, he loves---like my accent and my upbringing, my height and curves...and what he's insecure about, I love- like his upbringing and his spelling and grammar. He truly has been an answered prayer....i'm SO grateful- so incredibly grateful!

....so that's what has been going on lately in my life...staying busy---the boy lives an hour away so we only see each other on weekends--but it makes our time together that much sweeter. And in the week, I'm busy with work, with kids, with recovery and amazing women...

life is rolling along--and for the first time ever, i don't feel as if it's spinning out of control. I feel like I'm right there with life- I'm right there with everyone else---enjoying today because it's all i have....

it's still raining....my hurt knee is still throbbing...i'm sure the sun is out there- somewhere...in a few moments, I'll go and keep the twins, be there as they wake up with their "i lub ou shebbi!". and tonight I will travel to see the boyfriend....

and life go on...

i am so blessed...so grateful....

God is good..

2009-02-28T22:50:00.003-05:00

it is almost humorous, as I look back at the week's unfold of events, and realize that on Monday my assignment was to come up with a description of how I view, define, see, feel, put-to-words God...as I understand Him...

first let me rewind....

through God's divine hands, I have helped to start a support group for eating disorders. we have met 2 times---and I am so stoked to see what the future holds! I'm getting opportunitites to get the word out and let others know that if they are interested in recovery or just want support, we are there.....

Last week, I went to the beach with the family i nanny for---the mom, the five kids, & me (dad had to work). We got there Monday & Tuesday we had to take one of the children to the doctor, only to find out she had broncitis. I got to take the twins onto the beach and see their faces as they experienced it for the first time. Tuesday night I also got to meet up with a friend from treatment who i haven't seen for 3 years, and we had supper! Wednesday, we loaded up for Disney & spent the day there, ate with Characters, road a few rides, etc. The sick child was feeling better & really wanted to go, but one of the twins was very clingy & had a bit of a fever...Thursday we took the twin to the doctor & found out she had the flu! Friday we drove back home and Saturday morning I left for the big city- for a Fun Run that benefits an Eating Disorders Information Network. A treatment buddy & I actually stayed with one of the ladies who was out nurse...it was amazing! Sunday when I woke my throat was very raw but we ran the race then came home. Monday and Tuesday were regular nannying days and Wednesday the mom & dad left for the beach for their anniversary trip...
now comes the real fun. I am with the 5 kids and the grandmother. In the early morning of Thursday I found myself throwing up...I tried to convince myself I was ok- and somehow made it through the day, but thursday after 1pm, I began to run fever and despite taking motrin & tylenol, it was still rising above 101. Friday morning, I managed to help get the big kids to school, then carried the twins to preschool & drove myself to the doctor....
the diag-nonsense? A strand of the flu, a virus, and some type of infection that has caused my tonsils to swell....

And you ask me how I define my God?
My God, in His mercy & love, has placed me with a family who is precious, who adore Him. A family who genuinely like to have me around and see me more as a friend than a nanny. My God let me witness the wonder and amazement as the twins felt the sand between their toes and feel the tide flow in and out for the first time, let me watch the faces of the children explode with joy as Tigger, Pooh, Mickey, and a slew of other characters greeted them and gave them hugs. My God let me be a comforter to the sick children, let them lay in my arms, had them cling to me for protection and comfort and security in a time where they felt so scared and sick. My God gave me strength and sanity to survive the beach, in a condo, with five excited children...My God allowed me a chance to see a fellow survivor, who experienced some of my hardest moments of treatment with me. He let me sit with her as if it were only yesterday that we last saw each other. My God blessed me with a family who has helped me with my financial burdens, who always seems to meet my needs and many of my selfish wants...
My God gave me endurance, after a long week at the beach, to drive another 4 hours to a 5k. My God showed me that even though I have had a few bad experiences, even though I have been sick before, others do not label me as such, see me as such, or even think less of me...He showed me that my defining factors is not what i have been through or what i have done, but simply who i am as He has created me! My God gave me strength to run a race, without preparation, even with a sickness coming on, and continued to give me safe travels through all the long hours on the road.
My God knew I would need more help this week, and even though I'd prefer not having the grandparents around all this week helping me, lined up for grandmother to come in and give me an extra hand. God, in His omnipotent power, gave me will and motivation to get the twins up the stairs, even when I felt too sick to walk a straight line. He gave me strength when I felt too weak to go down the stairs for their early morning milk cup. My God, brought me to a point where I had to admit I couldn't do it all, and broke my pride barriers to carry me to a doctor, even though I fear them greatly. My God gave me rest as the twins napped and put the kids to bed early so that I could fall asleep too. My God awoke me this morning, feeling much better, yet also allowing me to still be in pain to remind me that He is in control---and that I sometimes have to admit that I cannot do it all alone.
My God has me up at 11pm, wondering how people can go through life and not admit or see that there has GOT to be some greater higher power out there...watching us, helping us, leading, guiding, protecting us.
My God uses the mouths and smiles of little children to melt me with their "I lub my Shebbi"s and show me it's not all about me....

you ask me how I define God?....I define Him in all these circumstances, in every second of every moment of every day---the world breathes God, I breathe God, life breathes God....from the waking up to the dreams of night---all that is, all that was, all that is to be, and all that is amongst & between is a definition of God....even in the dark circumstances, if I look, I WILL find God there...
God gave me grace sufficient for another day, and mercy granted, He will again tomorrow...
that is my God.
the simplest definition, from simple words, with more profound meaning than any dictionary, encyclopedia, or person could describe:
God is God

2009-02-16T00:00:00.003-05:00

tomorrow i will be leaving to go to the beach with the family i nanny. we are going to shop, stroll around town, and go to disney world. I am so excited- stoked to see the babies' reaction to seeing Tigger & Pooh, Mickey & Minnie...
it couldn't come at a better time..

i'm working with a sponsor and going through the 12-steps and have started a group for eating disorders that will follow the 12 steps but today I felt so far from them...
i began to travel home---already anxiety-ridden, nervous- and halfway there a panic attack sank in- numb, tingly hands & arms...
one of the two is still there---making a life for himself- going about the days as if nothing happened. everyone is now putting him on the pedestal that they used to place the other...they think so highly of him- just adore him....
but a few of us know the truth...a few of us know what lies behind his front--we had to hear his words, we had to push off his touch...
i know...i saw a different side to him--a side i pray no one else ever have to see......
and soon i'll have to make a decision--go and have to see him officiate at weddings of my friends....or skip the wedding out of fear...and let him once again have that control over me----or will skipping mean i'm protecting myself?...

i saw my parents for a few hours this afternoon- all the while fighting an intense headache---was it lack of caffiene or from fighting the thoughts? eventually, i began the trek back- stopping at grandma's grave- then for coffee- then letting the tears fall...that town, those memories.....it's still too overwhelming---too difficult..

i babysat last night- one of the twins was stirring around 10pm. I assumed she just couldn't get comfortable...she'd get quiet, then move around. I finally went to check on her and tried to rub her back but she wouldn't sleep. I laid beside her in the toddler bed and felt the heat coming from her body. took her temperature--100.0. She looked at me with sad, sleepy eyes-and I knew it was coming, as she threw up in my hands and I rushed her to the sink..those scared eyes- not understanding what she'd just done, she cried for Mommy....gave her motrin then laid on the couch with her- trying to get the fever to sweat out-and i sang to her- trying to comfort her...quiet at first, but as i continued, i became louder and more confident...remembering those hours I laid, scared, and i heard the angels singing to me....

Why should I feel discouraged,
Why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely,
And long for heav'n and home,
When jesus is my portion,
My constant friend is he;
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know he watches me.

Chorus:
I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free;
For his eye is on the sparrow,
And I know he watches me.

let not your heart be troubled
His tender word I hear,
And resting on his goodness,
I lose my doubts and fears,
Tho' by the path he leadeth,
But one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know he watches me.

Chorus:

Whenever I am tempted,
Whenever clouds arise,
When song gives place to sighing,
When hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to him;
From care he sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know he watches me.

Chorus

today----i am alive, and i'm grateful that His eye was on me.....
I'm trying to live by the 12 step principles---i see them working in the lives of some with very similar lives to mine....but i admit im also scared.. change is always scary.

overall, despite the flood of emotions today, life is going well....God is moving in my life and showin me that He can take even my scars---my uglies- and turn them into something that brings him glory...

his eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me....

2009-02-03T09:13:00.002-05:00

I know you're hurting
Feels like your learning
'Bout life the hard way
And it ain't working
Seems like forever
That you've been falling
It's time to move on
Your life is calling, yeah
This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

Chorus:
Cos i know how hard it can get
But you've gotta lift
You've gotta lift
And sometimes that's how it is
But i know you're stronger
Stronger than this
You've gotta lift
You've gotta lift

When you can feel your
Whole body's aching
What's left of your heart
It wont stop breaking
You've got to let go
You took a hit
Time to pick up now
Move on from this
This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

Chorus

You've got to lift yourself up above
all the hurt
Don't give in
Wipe your eyes and remember
you're better than this
Let them know that they took their best shot
and they missed
Come on and lift

Chorus

Pick up now...
Pick up now...
(Shannon Noll- Lift)

a dear friend is approaching the anniversary of the day she was raped. My heart breaks for her...knowing the nightmares are getting more intense- that everything that she tries to push down in the year is rising inside her...

what is harder on me is knowing that she is hundreds of miles away and I cannot go and spend time with her...that I cannot go and sit with her and let her cry or scream or yell...

She and I were talking the other day--and she posed the question "What is the difference between a rape victim & a rape survivor?"
the question took me off guard and got my brain to working....
what is the difference?...which am I?...

So i've thought long and hard about it--

I think a victim is someone who is still very much affected by the rape/abuse/etc. They live in fear, terrified of what lurks behind or beside them. They may not want to talk about what happened, they may deny it- they may try to block the memory of it. nightmares and flashbacks leave them paralyzed and anxious..they may be scared to be alone, out at dark, or near where the rape occured. Small things may be triggers, from scents, to sights, to similar objects that were around during the rape....most of all, the rape defines them and runs their life...the constant fear of being raped again lingers forever on their mind, they blame themselves, and they are feel that the perpetrator has power over them...

I think a survivor is someone who has been through the victim stage. They've let it run their lives...they've been scared, they've been anxious. They've cried and yelled and gone through all the stages of grief...but they no longer let the rape/abuse define them. Instead, they use it to bring good to others. They may still have memories and flashbacks...at times they may still hurt--but they know the hurt wasn't in vain. They want to use what happened to help prevent it, to help educate about it, to help others through it. They know it's not their fault, that they didn't ask for it, and that it doesn't define who they are as a person...

so which am I?
some days, I'm still a victim. Sometimes, the fears run my life more than I would wish...Somedays I want to curl in my bed beneath the covers and never come out...some days, I let the circumstances I faced define who I am-- and I carry it as a shield, convincing myself that if others knew, they would judge me and reject me...Somedays, I fear that I'll never be able to get past the pains of life....somedays, I fear it will be the end of me....

but most days---most days I strive to hold my head high. I stand tall and seek to use what i've been through to bring Glory to God's name...I know that I didn't ask for what I went through, that i didn't cause it, that it doesn't define me- but that God wants to use it for much greater things...Most days, I don't want to forget because I knoww that all things are used for good for those who love God. Most days, I know that I am a survivor & that though i've gone through trying times, I am secure in Christ..

.....it's not an easy process...and it's taken many tear-filled days to get where I am...sometimes, I still have days with tears...but I'm not as scared anymore. I'm not letting it run my life...i refuse to live in fear and I refuse to let it define who i am as a person--if anything, I use it to make me stronger....

i pray, with time, other women can get to this point too....that they too can begin to feel the freedom I have...and to know that the freedom i have now is just a small taste of wonderful we can feel........

question is---are YOU a victim or a survivor of the circumstances you've faced in your life?

2009-01-31T17:31:00.003-05:00

my blog yesterday was random and probably made no sense....but it made sense to me---and in my head, it was all I could do just to type it.
I found out the news of a child who was abused and all that was in me felt as if it had erupted. I tried to stand up and move around and get my mind off it- but I was so nauseous I had to hold onto the sink, to the wall, to anything, just to keep from falling out...I've felt hurt and sick before when I hear of abuse, but it has never hit me quite the way it did yesterday...
i wanted to scream, i wanted to yell, i wanted to throw things- to break something. I wanted to cry, I wanted to run, I wanted to act out, I wanted to be held...
I know it was because I haven't kept myself in check. I have been trying to push back certain feelings and thoughts and fears- and hearing the news set off things in my brain, in my heart, that I had stuffed the past few weeks.
that's a very dangerous place for me. for me, it is unhealthy to NOT speak about the things in my head.. So it put a damper on my day and for the rest of the day i fought off intruding thoughts....
today i met with someone and we talked about our struggles and she offered to be a mentor to me, being that she is older and in so many ways, has what I want. She is such a beautiful lady with such a strong presence, such a manner about her, that I long for.
I'm going to pray hard on it the next day or so....we have such similar lives and have many of the same values and goals- I think it could be a good thing...but I want to be sure it is of God.

somedays i just like to plug in my itunes and listen to songs- blocking out everything else...and just observe the world as I see it...I like to get lost in the music...
currently I'm in a coffee shop- and there is this black cat outside- wandering around...may be lookin for food, he may be passing time...but I'm certain that he is not worried about tomorrow..he's probably not even worried about finding a warm place to sleep tonight. He is content in the here and now- jumping on window sills, sniffing out mice or scraps left by the dumpster.....
i vaguely remember a time in life when i had no worries about what the future held....i was forced early on to mature and worried much more than a child should have to...I'm not upset that it happened this way. I understand that life is what it is and that my life involved a few things that led me to grow up fast----but, i long to be carefree again. I strive to be so secure as to not worry about what tomorrow will bring.
I think this is the philosophy of living moment by moment- a life that I strive hard to live. God has promised that He will provide and has instructed me to not worry about tomorrow- not to worry about what i will eat, what I will wear---not to worry about what others think of me or of how I look, etc. He wants me to live in this moment- like that cat out there. If He can provide for the birds and the trees, for the cats and even those insects that aggravate us- how much more can He provide for me---and how much MORE He LONGS to provide for us because He made us His children in HIS image....I truly have nothing to fear. Countless times He has proven Himself to me, more than I can recall He has provided just what I needed, when I needed it...and even moreso, He has taken the broken peices of my life and mended them into something beautiful, something that glorifies Him...
...may I continue to strive to live, in the moment, in the here and now, ever mindful that God has control and I have nothing to fear...

2009-01-30T14:42:00.002-05:00

i just heard disturbing news of a 12 year old forcing a 4 year old to give him oral sex.
and my stomach feels like it's in my chest- like i'm going to pass out- like i'm not going to be able to stop tears from falling.
i'm blaming my strong reaction on that fact that certainly i must be near 'that time of the month' but i know that it just hits stronger because i know the family of the victim from the outside view...
it makes me sick... it makes me sick
and then that our justice system does little about it all...
and i hurt that this child had to go through it, that his younger sibling witnessed it---and i pray that they one day are able to forget it...i don't want them to remember- i don't want them to remember..
i know that life isn't fair and wasn't made to be--but my head keeps screaming 'it's not fair! it's NOT fair!'
it's not fair..

2009-01-27T10:35:00.003-05:00

See me Sunday sleeping softly
Flowers straight across my knees
Hear the cries of friends and family
Missing me (missing me)
Press on (press on)
press on(press on)
press on(press on)
press on(press on)
I always thought while I was sleeping
That I could somehow fly away
Run and leap unto the open,
Make my getaway.
Press on(press on)(press on)
Press on(press on)(press on)
So I fly up into Heaven
Meet my Jesus at the door
He will welcome the weary
So press on(Believers press on)
Press on(Press along)
Life is filled with better music
A breeze that whilstles like a song
Let Him sweep down like an eagle
It’s not just with our shoes still on
Press on(press on) eagle
I imagine us floating
Further up into the sky
And I know there’s a reason
I am not afraid to die
So I fly up into Heaven
Meet my Jesus at the throne
He will Say that I am welcome
So press on
Believers press on
Press on
Press on
Press on
I am not afraid to die
I always thought while I was sleeping
That I could somehow fly away
Run and leap into the open
Make my getaway
Press on

just had coffee with a dear friend, professor, mentor, mother-figure...
Sometimes, I feel so stingy...she has been so amazing to me, and I feel it's all one-sided, as if there is something I can do to give back to her what she's given to me. And I know she doesn't ask of anything, she never would, but there is that part of me that says I cannot receive unless I give- that side of me that says I must give back, pay back- that nothing comes for free..
it's so hard for me- and I know that's part of the craziness that makes me sick; me always feeling like I have to "pay back", that I can never just accept that someone is giving me something...
we chatted and I told her of a few things that are on my mind, that hurt me, that has my head in turmoil...let her in about a bit of things in my family that i let control me...
and she said to me, "I have to see you as I see my daughter- that you are a person who is able to change the history of your family. You have what it takes to make things different.......you haven't had the sunshine life, you've been through yucky things, but how you are blessed is that even through it, you still have found a way to become the woman God has created you to be..."

i've fought tears for a few weeks now- when she said that, my walls crumbled and it took all i had not to begin blubbering...where we not in a busy starbucks, I wouldn't have been able to hold it in...
my family has lots of baggage and secrets and we all make ourselves sick trying to put on this facade that we have no issues...but I've made the decision and commitment to stand tall and change things, even if that means having family members upset with me...and it's so hard. Difficulties are all relavent in this world, but for me, it is hard knowing that your family members don't like that you are open about your life...it hurts that I may be the only one to ever speak up about the abuse, that I may be the only one to ever seek help...but I know i have to make the difference for myself because living as they do only keeps me sick- it only leads me to the grave...I've tasted death and I've tasted life---and I choose life....

tonight i may let my mom know that i've been going to 12-stepmeetings and it scares me. I don't want her to be upset. honestly, I have this picture in my head, that when I tell her, she's going to get an attitude and ask why and then have that smile of disapproval, the one that i've seen so many times, the one that i always saw growing up that made me feel smaller than an ant, that made me hate who i was, hate that i wasn't like her, hate that I couldn't do things in the way she does... She's never gotten any type of help, and she's been through quite a few traumatic events.....but I am not her, and I cannot protect her. I can only take care of me- a fact that hurts me deep to the core. There is this part of me that wants to protect her, that wants to hold things from her so that she won't worry, that wants to ensure that she doesn't hurt--but i cannot. i can only take care of me and do all that i can to ensure that I am healthy so that i can be there for others, so that i can offer the world a "healthy" me.

life is weird like that i guess---and i'm just doing what i can to live this life the way God has called me to...
I don't know how I got here, but I'm here....I'm changing the history of my family....and while i'm here- i'll press on

2009-01-26T14:18:00.003-05:00

serenity-a disposition free from stress or emotion; the absence of mental stress or anxiety; tranquility; calm, quietness

i'm staring at my bracelet that has "serenity" written on it and trying to fake myself or act my way into being "serene"...yet all the while, I know that today I'm having a hard time finding that.

last night was full of dreams, nightmares, randomness...It seems the dreams are getting more intense- and I don't know if it's because I am working so hard in therapy, or if it's because it was this time last year that I finally put an end to a very abusive relationship...it was this time 3 years ago that I ended another abusive relationship and found myself commiting myself into treatment...the memories of last year at the strongest...the T says it's because in the intial stages, I wasn't strong enough to face the memories and I had to block them, build a wall around them, protect them, because I was unable to face them...
but now that I've gotten stronger, they've begun to come out...and different things going on in my life cause them to surface...and it's so scary...
sometimes, I still get nervous when my phone buzzes, because I'm scared it'll be him---and when I see trucks that look like his, I get nervous, fearfull that he's found me...then I drive myself crazy with the "what ifs", scared they he may come, angry...scared I wouldn't be able to keep away from him...
the more I think back, I see how in fear I was living...I was scared to stand up to him.. I was scared of him....
I've lived in fear....from the time I was 6 i've lived in a state of paranoia, always tiptoeing, making sure not to upset anyone...even now, i find myself walking as lightly as possible, sometimes barely speaking over a whisper, never standing straight--little physical actions that I've done to protect myself..
and now i'm beginning to face it all- truly face it all...face the fear, face the memories & flashbacks, face the pain, face my self destruction...and it's all so scary, yet I know there is no other way....i know that if i want to live- and i mean TRULY live, i have to face it all.........i have to work through it.
And what better time than now...God continues to put people in my life who are amazing and who can either understand or emphathize...and for once in my life, I'm feeling safe enough to be open- yet even with the safety, it's still scary because it means letting go of all the demons that have held me captive, means putting a voice to all the things i've kept silent.....but there is no other way....
I've been going to some 12-step meetings and find such comfort, solace, and acceptance...our vices may be different but they get it all the same...I'm currently working to get a 12step started for eating disorders and have had several girls open up to me that they want to be involved, that they would love to be able to be a part of it---and it's encouraging and motivating, knowing i'm not alone, knowing that God is behind this and is supporting me and blessing my efforts...
I'm doing what I'm supposed to do and am experiencing more joy than I've ever felt, yet at the same time, i am actually feeling the emotions of the pain, hurt, anger---all those emotions i've blocked for years...
I think that's life...Jesus never promised that it'd be easy--and I don't expect it to be...but I'm living it...today, I am living life and I am alive----
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that i can, and the wisdom to know the difference...just for today.

2009-01-23T14:30:00.002-05:00

dedicated to grandma....your love never leaves me....

When I get where I'm going
On the far side of the sky
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly
I'm gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

[Chorus]
Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my grandma
And she'll match me step for step
And I'll tell herhow I missed her
Every minute since she left
Then I'll hug her neck

[Repeat chorus]

So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can't answer
So much work to do

But when I get where I'm going
And I see my maker's face
I'll stand forever in the light Of his amazing grace
Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
Hallelujah
I will love and have no fear
When I get where I'm going
Yeah when I get where I'm going

2009-01-19T23:51:00.003-05:00

quite the past week or so...
let's see, last week, the 3 of the 5 kids, the dad, and i all got the stomach virus. it was awful! the poor mom had to clean up so much it was pitiful! i felt horrible for her because one day I couldn't come since I was so weak...
now, the twins and I are battling some cold. I like to tell myself that it's just allergies--the usual, sore throat, congestion, heavy head.

i nannied and babysat, literally all weekend---but, truthfully I'm not complaining because I love it...I love the kids...especially the 5 kids i'm with most everyday. My love for them strengthens more and more in ways I never thought I'd be able to love--and what astonishes me is that my love is only a tiny glimpse of the love of Christ...it leaves me dumbfounded. I would do anything for these kids- go to all lengths to ensure they are taken care of and protected...
I was on the phone the other day and was holding one of the twins, she'd just woken up and was in a clingy mood, and i walked by the mirror and saw myself with her.....and I almost broke into tears...
i don't know what has gotten into me that' i've become this emotional sap! I saw myself holding this sweet, darling child- and she was snuggled unto my arms and it took all i had not to burst in tears- just seeing the the beauty God placed in me...seeing her clinging to me, trusting in me, knowing that as long as she was in my arms, in her world, everything was perfect..

i remember those days vaguely, of being a little girl...of being sick and crawling into my daddy's arms while he watched television, and I'd listen to his breathing and heartbeat and try to get mine in sync with his...or when i'd lay across the front seat of the car in mama's lap and she'd drive and play with my hair while I slept...and while i was in their arms, no harm could come. I was safe, and the world wasn't as scary...

i wonder how we lose that along the way----is it something we learn in school? or is it from the hurts we feel along the way?

she was in my arms, and she was safe and I felt the love of God wrap His arms around me and it was if He said to me "you are safe...you are loved"... I don't know where all this "sappiness" in me is coming from. I've been the one who has held it all together for years. I don't break down...i'm emotional, but I don't get all stirred up by such a thing- so my only explanation is that God is working in me....teaching me, molding me, shaping me...

the nightmares are still strong....but the other night i had a dream unlike any other.
many of you know my Grandmother, my precious soul, my idol & mentor, passed away in June of 2008...at the time I was going through so much emotionally, mentally, spiritually that I was unable to fully accept she was gone. I admit even now, there are times I think it must have been an awful dream- that I never got the phone call, that I never sang at her funeral, that I didn't see her laying there.....
she was a very spiritual woman. after grandpa passed in 2003, we lost a part of her...a part of her died with him. She'd tell me how sometimes he'd come to her in her dreams...how she'd see him and sometimes they'd talk...before she passed, she told my cousin (who was staying with her) that the lady was coming back to get her- so she was just going to sleep to wait on her... she passed as she slept...
the last time I saw her was mother's day...terminal lung cancer, on hospice...and my heart was breaking...Here was the lady i'd looked up to, let's admit it, even moreso than I looked up to my mom.....but i dreamed of her the other night...
I dreamed we were at her house in her kitchen- a crossword spread on the table, like always,...the junk mail spread about, with magazines of flowers, as she was the avid greenthumb...and i looked at her---and i knew i was dreaming. I knew i was dreaming because I knew she was dead....but I wanted so badly to stay with her...she looked so wonderful....her hair was shorter than i can ever remember it being- almost in a short spiky cut- but it was grey, like i always remembered...and while she was wrinkled, she was glowing, and had a little weight on her...and I called to her..."grandma, you look amazing...." she just smiled at me...."grandma, I know I'm dreaming, but I don't want to wake up...I want to stay here with you..I want to be here...I want to be with you....don't make me wake up just yet..."...and she smiled---she said she was doing well- that she was good....she said I could stay just a bit longer and I think she grabbed my hand....I wanted to hold her- I wanted to grab hold of her and apologize for not being around as much the past few years. I wanted to hold her and cry...I wanted to stay right there with her- and gaze at her beauty.....
eventually i woke up....i dont' know what the dream meant....i don't know if perhaps a part of me still longs for death, or if I just wanted to bring her back to life- to enjoy more time with her here....growing up, i remember teachers would ask who our role model was- and I'd feel horrible because I would say my grandma before i said my mom...we just had that bond..
it hurts that she's gone....it truly hurts.. I pray she's in a better place, that she really is as well as she said in the dream. But it still hurts...

life is rolling along...and its all so scary- facing things, admitting my wrongs, owning up to my life. It's scary knowing that even as much as I want, i cannot fall back on past behaviors because they no longer have the effect on me that they did. February marks 3 years since admitting myself into treatment. Sometimes, it seems like decades ago, sometimes it seems like only yesterday...but it's never far from my mind. I still feel it's the best thing I ever did for myself. I still believe it was there that I truly began the road of recovery that I'm still walking on....3 years. Some days I wish I were back- simply because there I could be as real, open, honest as I wanted to be- and I was accepted and loved and understood. I could cry there without feeling stupid or guilty or immature...but I know one cannot stay in such a place, and I know I'm not in need of being there. I'm living life, here in the real world...But I'm making the vow to do more than just go through the movements---i've made the vow to TRULY live life...to experience life, to give all of me, even at the risk of being hurt...

God gave me new life.....and even through the hurts, even through the hard times or facing life or remembering or hurting, i will cherish this new life He has given me because I know it is an opportunity, a gift which I didn't deserve, yet was given out of mercy and grace......
my life is changing, and I'm growing.....for the better and not the worse....

one day i will......

2009-01-16T01:41:00.002-05:00

How long will this take?
How much can I go through?
My heart, my soul aches
I don't know what to do
I bend, but don't break
Somehow I'll get through
Cause I have You
And if I had to crawl
Well You'd crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is You see me through
O Lord, where are you?
Do not forget me here
I cry in silence
Can you not see my tears
When all have left me
And hope has disappeared
You'll find me here

it's late....yet i've been sleeping all day...since about Sunday or Monday, I've been feeling out of sorts---it hit yesterday as the virus...needless to say, i'm trying to stay hydrated and I'm taking meds to stop the nausea & dizziness...

so perhaps that will explain the post for tonight.....

i just wonder....
does it ever stop?.. will it ever stop?...
the dreams, the hauntings...the awful memories and flashbacks..They flood my mind and keep me on edge..
be honest---it's not going to stop...all these years later and nothing changes...
i get stronger, i become more independent.
i can act normal and behave in society like any other...I play the role and people can never see past the facade- but the truth still remains...
and when I try to rest, when I am alone...when I cannot keep my mind preoccupied with other things---the memories are there.
their touch...their skin.......his breath and face and strength as I wriggled to try to break free..
his voice...their voices, always the same....
no matter what I do to fight it, they are always there, waiting for me to falter, waiting for the moment I'm too weak to fight back...
the truth is, the memories may never fade...
i joke....i make jokes with people and we laugh because of my insomnia. we make jokes that I'm abnormal, that I'm like a superwoman because I do not require much sleep...
truth is, I'm too scared to sleep---and I stay in a stage of hypervigalence. I fight the sleep because I know the sleep brings the nightmares, brings the memories...
I had to take some medicine today to help me sleep- to fight off the nausea-and he was there..in the nightmare I called him out in front of everyone else and he chased me down, running after me, and he caught me....because they always catch me...they always win..
i'd like to believe it gets better...that the dreams, that the memories, that the nightmares and flashbacks fade...but perhaps I'm only lying to myself...
maybe, i just learn to deal with it better...
maybe, in some sick twisted way, it's good they never fade because they keep me ever reminded of God's grace...of the fact that it's over...that His grace and mercy has brought me through it all and will continue to restore me..
I want to believe that on this side of heaven, that i won't be as scared, that the nightmares will end.
but for today, in this moment, that is not true...so I will just cling to the promise that he will see me through..
even if I have to crawl...

2009-01-13T22:01:00.002-05:00

I know that the bridges that I’ve burned
Along the way
Have left me with these walls and these scars
That won’t go away
And opening up has always been the hardest thing
Until you came
Chorus
So lay here beside me
just hold me and don’t let go
This feelin’ I’m feelin’ is somethin’
I’ve never known
And I just can’t take my eyes off you
And I just can’t take my eyes off you

I love when you tell me that I’m pretty
When I just wake up
And I love how you tease me when I’m moody
But it’s never too much
I’m falling fast but the truth is
I’m not scared at all
You climbed my walls

Repeat Chorus

Off you
Off you

Repeat Chorus

the past week or so has been so filled---to the brim- with different things going on...friends who are hurting, work i'm doing in therapy...
....
years ago, i made a prayer....that no guy would pursue me, that no guy would call me, none show interest in me, none try to speak with me---until God felt I was ready......
since 2006, no guy has showed interest in me...none has tried to call me or speak to me (with the exception of 1 who shouldn't even be mentioned)....
last tuesday, a guy called. Wednesday we went out to a very expensive, nice place to eat...Thursday he came to watch a movie....
it scares me... I've been through so much in the "relationship" area. I do not want to get hurt again, I cannot take getting hurt again...and when he hugs me or holds me close, I don't want to let go...I do not feel the urge to push him away.
I'm trying to take it moment by moment, to live in the moment, and accept that for right now, he has me intrigued..I want to know more about him...I want to see more of him...
and it scares me...
This is one of those times I truly have to trust God, to lean on Him...to pray that He lead me... I am a person of immediate gratification. I like to have results and answers right when I want them, and with this----i simply do not know. I don't know if he is in my life just to show me I can "date" or to point me to someone else....I just don't know.....
all I know, is that the little things he says and does makes me want to know more of him...
guess i will just have to see where this will take us...

2009-01-03T23:36:00.002-05:00

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while
And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that

That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

today i spent time with a friend going through a some difficult things...we made bracelets, watched a few movies, went and walked around TJMax and Books a Million, painted pottery, ate out, got coffee....it was fun- in that i've missed her over the break...and we joked, laughed, made inside funnies at ourselves...
i hung out with her because I wanted to- because I love her, because I care about her, because that's what friends do---but most importantly, because I know what she's going through..
I know what it's like to hear a million voices screaming in your head, telling you how worthless and undeserving you are, telling you that you are not good enough, not thin enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not loving enough, not classy enough, not kind enough, not enough, not enough, not enough, enough, enough...enough...
I know what it's like to feel like your heart is breaking into a billion pieces, to feel as if the world as you know it is caving in on you- to feel trapped- to not be able to breathe...
I know what it's lilke to feel alone- to feel like on one gets it, that you have no one to turn to, to be scared and feel completlely out of control...
I know what it's like to be scared to be alone with your thoughts........
and I didn't want that for her today--I wanted her to know that she was loved, that she wasn't alone, that someone understood, that she was enough, that she will be okay.....
A year ago I was in the midst of such a situaton---scared, afraid, alone...frightened even to talk to God- certain that even God wouldn't want me because of my sinful and dirty heart....I cried to Him, begging for release or peace- often with no avail....
but looking back----I can see that He was there....that He caught every tear, that He held me when I was alone, that He felt the feelings, that He rocked me when the thoughts were too much to handle, that He cried with me, that He wiped my tears and washed my feet, washed my stained heart....looking back, I can see that even when I didn't know what to say- even when I was scared to speak to God, even when I felt I was the farthest from Him, He was still holding me...the distance was something only I caused-not because of anything He did..when I didn't know what to say, He read my heart...when the tears wouldn't stop falling, He planted flowers- flowers of joy, of peace, of friendship, of brighter days, of comfort, of love, of redemption, of healing...

tonight my friend is back at her place, probably alone....and I'm sure she probably has a few tears falling.......but I find comfort in knowing that she is not completely alone---that the One who saved me and is with me now is also with her....catching every tear, pouring love into her.......
....
this is all that i can say....

2009-01-01T23:54:00.002-05:00

Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I'm numb,
sometimes I'm overcome
Does anybody care what's going on?
Do I have to wear my scars
like a badge on my arm
For you to see me,
I need release
Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?
Has anybody seen what's been done?
Where was my defense?
No one heard my protest
The eyes of God were watching me
It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released
So I can breathe again
I'm on my knees
I've been marked, set apart
But I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark
One drop of blood from the hole in Your hand
Is enough to heal me and make me stand
'Cause I'm clean,
He is listening to me
I don't have to scream for Him to hear me
Don't have to bleed for Him to see me
'Cause I'm clean,
He is listening to me
I don't have to scream
I don't have to bleed
'Cause I'm clean,
He is listening
And I don't have to scream

Phew

after weeks of fear and much anxiety, I'm finally through the holidays...
i wish I could say that everything was hunky-dory, but it was difficult at times, as I'm sure most others' was as well...i'm not complaining...
in fact, I am very blessed that I got to spend yet another Christmas with my parents...who are still married even after all these years- my parents who love me more than anythin else and would do any and everything they could to help me and to make my life perfect...

but life isn't perfect....it's been a little hard here lately as I'm working so hard to find my voice and say what i feel when I feel it- to be able to let people know when something bothers me rather than hold everything inside and let it fester and boil until i erupt.

on the positive, I don't know if I blogged this already, I graduated with BS in Psychology..

truth be told, I was so nervous about going home for the holidays...let's just say lightly that my hometown has some pretty difficult memories---and sometimes, the bad outweigh the good.. Gosh I sound like an idiot to say that- I feel like I sound ungrateful and depressed- but these feelings and thoughts are mine and mine alone....
I couldn't even bring myself to go to my grandmother's grave or go to her house (my cousins now live there). Things were already difficult enough and I didn't feel strong enough.
Christmas day was interesting as we went to my maternal grandparents...sometimes, I feel like we all just play this game- that we put on these faces that say we are good, that we have no issues, but I feel the weight of the heavy pink elephant on my shoulders- and it is up to me to hold it up...As crazy as it sounds, it feels like I carry the weight of what can make or break our family and that it's my job to hold it in...
sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to be at the dinner table and when asked how I am say "well actually I'm tired because I had nightmares of abuse all night long"...truthfully this is something I will probably never be able to say to my family---and it hurts...
And I should have reached out as the nightmares were so intense and consumming...I should have called the support I have, but I am the one who feels like she is a burden if she reaches for help, even though time and time again I have been told I am not a burden.

Needless to say, after staying from Wednesday to Monday, I was so ready to get back to my place...I could not get here sooner- just to be able to crawl into my bed that night and bundle up with my 20 or so blankets and stuffed animals...the nightmares still came, but at least I was where I felt more safe...i pray for the day that i can feel safe wherever I am, no matter the situation

it has been good since I've been back as I've gotten to babysit and relieve stress by running with the kids, coloring, hearing their precious giggles and "i lub you miss shebbi". Thank God for the pure love of children....they truly make my life more managable..

i'm trying to adjust to the new housemate situation. honestly, I can't complain much because my rent is so low that I have no right to- but I feel there is going to be a few things we will need to discuss about having people over and such....

i'm babbling...I am beginning to get a major migrane from not taking my medicine today and I'm upset with myself that I let it run out....truth be told, I think I'm scared to sleep because of the intensity of my more recent nightmares and the fact that I have a migrane.

I MUST get back on my exercise regimine in order to train for the upcoming races...it is my goal to complete a half marathon by the end of May...then I can work up to a full marathon by next May...

just a few thoughts on my mind that I truthfully was feeling today:
I went to a party of some of the families that I nanny for and several other families were there...many thoughts came to my head-
like while i ever have that of my own? will I ever have a family of my own, husband and kids?...I still feel too unworthy, aside from the whole fact that we are all unworthy of anything short of hell, i still feel unworthy, undeserving of having happiness and joy in my life---an area I know I still need to work on
the families were also pretty well off in terms of finances- and the sinfulness of my heart felt almost jealous that my family has never had it so easy, that i've had to work so hard to get to where I am...but I know that I have much more than I could ever want or need and am grateful for what I do have---i guess, I just wonder why God would put me with such types of families?...next to them, I feel like an leftovers talking to fine dining, like dirt roads talking to high risers...I feel like a little country hick and fear i'll be found out.
and of course all the people were beautiful...not a soul there had any outer beauty flaws that I could see...cookie-cutter. In the world's eyes, they are all such beautiful people....and it makes me wonder, what are their insides like?...I know that somewhere, deep down, they hurt just like I do...and in a sense, i feel sorry for them because I know the facade of being "put together" the world expects me to portray, and I know the world expects even more out of them...
Praise God that He sees us for who we really are....and that He knows our sinful desires...that He made redemption possible despite the dirtiness we possess....Thank God that He accepts me inner and outer flaws and all and only sees the purity of Jesus...

i suppose I should try to rest.....with my 20 or so blankets and stuffed animals to keep me safe.....
i pray for peaceful dreams....

2008-12-16T23:26:00.002-05:00

week after week, i see the T...april will make 3 years..
that room holds many words, and Honey, the dachshound, will hold all the secrets close to her heart...there have been days we disagreed, days i'd get mad at the T, days she'd get mad at me... There have been days I didn't want to talk and days the hour went much to fast...days when i was ready to leave, days when I wished I could have stayed just a bit longer, just to know that i was safe....
but through it all, one thing has remained, she is safe for me....I can run any random thought from my head and not be judged- instead only loved...and if my thinking is irrational, she'll let me know. if I need to work on certain areas, she never fails to show me.
And though there were days she all but begged me to stay until I could come out of the dissociation, lately her parting words are "I'm so proud of you"...
I've become more open and am talking about things that i forever bound tightly in my heart....
and it is HARD...some days it's hard to talk from the tears that fall, but I know that is all part of the process..

things in my life are changing...some changing out of my control- and before i would cope by falling into my behaviors, but now i find myself working hard to maintain my firm stance...

.....one of my favorite movies, go figure, is Girl, Interrupted....most people don't get it..some make fun of the stereotype of treatment and what it is like to be hospitalized for mental issues....but i get it....i feel it.......
the turning part of the movie---Susanna is talking to Valerie after Daisy has hung herself and says to her:
That I was sorry. That I will never know what it was like to be her. But I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. You hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. ...When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. Maybe, there's a moment growing up when something peels back...

i suppose that's somewhat where I am....something is peeling back and I'm seeing more....maybe it's just time i got better....after years of being silent and suffering, i'm finally beginning to feel the effects of working hard in recovery....i'm beginning to see a change- to feel a change- to WANT a change....

the ending quote of the movie:
Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is... Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. They were not perfect, but they were my friends and by the '70s most of them were out living lives. Some I've seen, some never again, but there isn't a day my heart doesn't find them.

there isn't a day my heart doesn't find those i've met along this path- those who wanted better for me, those who helped me find the road to recovery, those I met who loved me regardless of how unworthy i truly felt....my heart finds them all---even those still hurting and struggling...my heart finds them and goes out to them.........
I pray that God use my life- use the miraculous works He is doing in my life- to reach and touch those others........
i pray all these years not be in vain....

2008-12-15T10:25:00.003-05:00

I nanny for the most amazing families!!! One knows that I keep the heat low so that I conserve energy and lower my electricity price---so she bought me socks, slippers, and a set of pajamas with the sock monkey!!!

these pajamas are GREAT! so soft and warm- they will definitely get good use!

Saturday I babysat. The little boy decided he wanted to watch Monsters, Inc. honestly, I was exhausted because I had to be there at 7am, so I laid on the couch and decided I'd doze on and off--and I woke up at one point and felt something on my feet---

he'd climbed on the couch with me and the dogs. it was the CUTEST thing ever! Come to find out he was sleepy too-so we took a nap together while the movie played.

2 new goals for the twins as the new year approaches- potty training and sleeping in a toddler bed.
Friday was their first nap time in a toddler bed- needless to say they didnt' sleep. They would run around and play with toys and talk...i finally just sat outside the door and would listen to them jabber. At one point, I heard them running around so I called their names and said that they'd better be in bed---then I peeked in and snapped a picture---wide awake!

looks like nap is going to be long for a while yet.

2008-12-10T11:57:00.002-05:00

"One Day You Will"

You feel like you're falling backwards

Like you're slippin' through the cracks

Like no one would even notice

If you left this town and never came back

You walk outside and all you see is rain

You look inside and all you feel is pain

And you can't see it now

[Chorus]

But down the road the sun is shining

In every cloud there's a silver lining

Just keep holding on

(just keep holding on)

And every heartache makes you stronger

But it won't be much longer

You'll find love, you'll find peace

And the you you're meant to be

I know right now that's not the way you feel

But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself

What am I doing here anyway

With the weight of all those disappointments

Whispering in your ear

You're just barely hanging by a thread

You wanna scream

but you're down to your last breath

And you don't know it yet

[Repeat Chorus]

Find the strength to rise above

You will

Find just what you're made of,

you're made of

[Repeat Chorus]

One day you will

Oh one day you will

it's so hard for me to believe that here I sit---a woman in a healthy body, graduating with a bachelor's degree...standing strong and firm in who she is...

just months ago I was ready to give up- I was ready to give in....
God did for me what I could not do for myself....
a dear friend, one I accept into my life as a sister, is struggling to believe that recovery is possible...and it hurts to know she hurts so---to hear that she feels she is going to have a break down-- to know that there is absolutely nothing I can do to change her circumstances of make things better...nothing.....
it all lies in her hands- God has already won the fight, but now she has to admit her powerless an give the war to Him...
that was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do---and everyday I still have to choose to give the battle to Him...sometimes, moment by moment I have to hand it back to Him..
but I've seen the work He is doing in my life---and I will do what it takes to continue the road of recovery I've started...there is just too much on the line tat i would lose if I went back....

and now Christmas is approaching---and one again I'll have to make a decision of how to get through the holidays- I'll have to make a decision of what I need to do that is most healthy for me.....
I never really cared for holidays---all the hustle and bustle and fake family-togetherness...all the fake smiles and artifical love that gets passed around....holidays meant me having to play a role and sacrifice my health in order to make everyone happy....perhaps they never truly asked me to be fake, but it's true that felt I had to be in order to please my family and feel accepted by them...
today I went to get a birthday present for my boss and I saw all the christmas decorations---and I wanted more than anything to buy one of everything and decorate my entire house---to have knick-knacks everywhere...I wanted to buy Christmas socks and shirts and sing Christmas carols...I want to give the gift of love to people...I want to share the story of that lonely, lowly manger....the story of how over 2000 years ago, that manger saved my life----
rescued me from the abuse, the hurt, the eating disorder, the pain...that manger restored me and brought my salvation and restoration..........

who could ask for anything more?.....I have all I truly need.....

one day----you will see it, you will feel it....you'll know what i mean when I say I cry from joy....you'll seehow strong you are, how strong Christ is...you will understand true love and true joy....one day you will.

2008-12-09T23:48:00.004-05:00

friday I graduate with my Bachelors of Science in Psychology...

today was ED group.....I walked in to find this:

yeh- i love them.....a perfect gift for an ED patient....

2008-12-08T14:15:00.003-05:00

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you
when its time to go home
May you always have plenty
The glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone
May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone

Chorus:
Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

well I have to be honest
As much as I wanted
I'm not gonna promise that the cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone Chorus
May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you
when its time to go home
And when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Chorus

My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

http://www.photobiz.com/portfolio/layouts/1/BuyNow.cfm?eventID=178462&galleryID=260057&item=17&number=23&totalpic=27&pagenum=1

http://www.photobiz.com/portfolio/layouts/1/BuyNow.cfm?eventID=178462&galleryID=260057&item=9&number=15&totalpic=27&pagenum=1

i have found- that i am a sap...I am becoming a woman and tears come to my eyes often here lately- especially tears of joy....tears of love...
and as much as I don't like crying, I'm okay that these tears are here because it shows me that i am growing....

This is what AA calls "God doing for me what I could not do for myself"....I truly believe that back in January I shut off completely-- I vowed never to love deeply again, to never let someone touch my heart again....and God is pressing through the walls of hurt I built with love from others....

2008-12-06T22:23:00.002-05:00

A voice cries in the wilderness
Prepare the way of the Lord
And make straight in the desert
The highway for our God

And every valley will be raised
And every mountain be made low
And the ground it will be leveled
And the rough places smooth

Chorus:
And then we will see
The Glory of the Lord
All eyes will see
The Glory of the Lord revealed
O the Glory of our Lord revealed

A voice cries in the wilderness
Prepare the way of the Lord
And make straight in the desert
A highway for our God

And every valley will be raised
And every mountain be made low
And the ground it will be leveled
And the rough places smooth

(chorus)

Go up to a high mountain
Lift up your voice with strength
Saying “See your God Behold, He comes with power”

(chorus 2x)

God is good...God is so good.

earlier today as I was driving home from a 5 year old's birthday party, my boss from the last daycare called me- said I was on her mind- that she'd been thinking about me and wanted to know how I was...
and as I tried to be as honest and short as possible, I felt tears in my eyes and knew i couldn't hold them back---as I told her of how I truly feel God moving in my life; how I truly feel that things are getting better...that for once I felt I was able to stand..

and this is not the first time this week that I've begun to cry over rejoicing with someone about the work God is doing in me...
Truly this is the work of God because I know that in and of myself I would NOT be where I am today. even to look back to May of this year. I'd gone home for mother's day- one of my first times home since everything went down...I had to feed my grandma lunch because she was took weak to feed herself.. He tried texting me and started with apologies then went into a discussion I didn't want---and I thought to myself "I'm not goin to make it through this time".
I remember driving through those small towns and questioning God- wondering where He was because I could not feel Him... I felt more alone than ever before...
and as I write that I, i grieve that I felt as low as I did. It's very humbling to admit that I truly doubted whether I'd make it to Christmas or if I even wanted to...
And while it hurts to type such, I know I must because I know I must remind people of His glory- of His mercy and compassion. He heard my cries and felt my pain and has slowly but surely revealed Himself to me and given me peace when I felt there was none..
And again and again this semester God has shown up and offered hope. Again and again He's put people in my life to guide me, to offer support, and more than anything else- to listen to me, to hear my heart, to hurt with me, and to rejoice with me.

And I'm in a time of rejoicing and it couldn't have come at any better of a time being that it is nearing Christmas...This year I view the manger in much more of a personal way than ever before- and i'm crying again! I am just so overjoyed...I am so loved, so undeserving, yet so blessed because of the manager and the Cross and I cannot, I WILL NOT hide that...

I am seeing the Glory of the Lord through my own life---I am living evidence of grace....The Lord has had compassion on me. and while it is not always easy, and while there will be hard times to come, I know that I still have the joy of the Lord...

I was just speaking with someone about what I want for Christmas...
sure- there are little things that I can think of- a few older DVDs, a few more books, perhaps some new shoes....a new ipod or macbook or car would be a far stretch dream----
But to be honest---to be 100% honest and open, more than anything----I just want my family to understand. I want to be able to apologize to them for the many times I hurt hem or let them down. I want to be able to tell them exactly how I felt over the years and have them grieve with me and rejoice with me that I'm no longer in such a low place...I want to be able to crawl in my parents' arms and feel safe and secure...I want for my family to come clean with their issues and secrets that keep us all sick...I want the blessing from my family to continue seeking help and reaching out with my story to help others.......
and the truth is, that is something only God could do. That Christmas wish is something that would truly be miracle from God....

either way, I have to accept it...and I have to keep doing what I know is right...
and I will........i will

2008-12-02T23:22:00.002-05:00

I will:

strive to be the woman of strength, dignity, love, and compassion that God has made me to be
live each moment, in the moment, always remembering that life is a precious gift
take care of myself- physically, mentally, emotionally, & spiritually, even when I do not feel like doing so
nurtue my body and care for it, knowing it is the temple of the Lord
speak my truth on a daily basis, to myself and to others, and stand up for what i believe in
offer myself as a living, breathing sacrifice to God and seek to bring Him glory in all i do
set boundaries with myself and others in order to ensure i am in healthy relationships
thank God daily for the many blessings He's bestowed upon me
always remember that recovery is a choice and action i must make on my own
be proud of myself and my accomplishments no matter how great or small
remember that my shortcomings an failures do not define who i am and will be glad i gave it my all
give back to others the love i've been given but remember that God changes hearts, not me
never forget the past, but will look on it with loving kindness and seek to learn from it
not let my worth be defined by others, by weight, by numbers, by accomplishments, or anything other than Christ
no allow others to run over me or take advantage of me and what i ofer
tell myself daily that i am beautiful and that i am loved
cling to the promises of God even in times of trials and storm, konwing complete restoration will come
pursue my dreams and seek what i want in life, never settling for less than unhappiness or discontentment
accept the love and care others give me and know that it is genuine and that i am worthy of such
embrace the fact that i am not perfect and accept that what i offer to the world in who i am is enough
dance in the rain, soak up the sunshine, climb trees, swing high with my eyes closed and lay in the grass to watch the clouds pass by
run in fields of flowers, skip like no one is watching, and sing at the top of my lungs
let myself feel emotions and know there is no right or wrong, good or bad but that my emotions just are and are justified because i feel them
love even at the risk of being hurt because of the love Christ has given me
trust that God is always in control, even when I feel the world if spinning out from under me
know that i am in God's hand and that nothing can separate me from him
not allow myself to be overwhelmed with cares of this world but will instead live moment by moment knowing i have the promise of sufficient grace

just a little something i wrote today.......i'm turning the page....

2008-12-02T23:07:00.002-05:00

every so often- i'll pass a mirror or a window or car, and I'll catch a glimpse of my image...and it never fails to shock me- those moments when I know I'm seeing what God sees- and I am amazed at the beauty I possess, at His handiwork...and though some may think it conceited, i think its a sign of restoration and growth.....
below are 2 pictures in which I saw that beauty....kids bring out my inner beauty...

2008-11-27T22:36:00.004-05:00

psalm 23

i've refused to blog- somewhat out of selfish motives...part of me wanted to blog and be truthful about how much the holidays bring up for me---how anxious and overwhelmed I get...
I wanted to blog about the hurt I feel inside around the holidays because of the places in my heart that are still in the healing process.
I drove to my parents home last weekend to spend time with them because I knew I was not going to spend the holidays with them...and as I drove, I hurt immensely....This town, this place that I called home for so long, no longer is a home to me- only a resting place which i must visit in order to see my family of origin...what once held such cherished memories is currently overflooded by the hurts and terrors...
I chose not to spend this thanksgiving with my family...there was the option to travel with my mom's family or to stay in my hometown with my dad. My sister threw it on me that I needed to go with my mom because she didn't want to...and i was torn- and overwhelmed with the fact that i'm graduating in less than 3 weeks!
I honestly opted to boycott the holiday...seriously. I was going to make a sign and stand outside the grocery store and tell people how ridiculous it was to gorge on food and sit around and pretend like they were these happy-go-lucky people who had great lives....
selfishly, i wanted my family to feel the hurt and confusion and pain that i've felt for so many of my holidays throughout the years....holidays of trying to be what everyone wanted me to be, of pretending, of acting like everything was okay, of make-believing that we were this perfect family- all the while killing myself inside, tormented by secrets, lies, deception, rejection, & fears...
blame it on hormones...blame it on the fact that I'm stressed as I enter the last 2 weeks of school and have many papers and finals. blame it seasonal affect depression or whatever else you want...but the last few days have held many tears....tears of sadness, of pain, of loss.. Tears of fears, of anxiety, of frustration....but more importantly, tears of joy and redemption and healing...
yesterday I had quite the "arguement" with my sister---okay- quite the fight (not physically). It started stupid, of her wanting me to do xyz and me being frustrated with everything else in life along with always having to do xyz. Apparently she was on the end of her rope as well because her attitude kicked in, as did mine. Out came her personality of fussing at me and telling me to stop being a brat and telling me basically that it's all my fault---and a million things began swarming in my head...
for 23 years i've played the little sister...I've done my part and tried to be the perfect, the best..I've listened to her tell me time and time again where I'm wrong and how it's my fault and yesterday I'd had enough... Initially my thought was to retreat- to keep quiet like always, to swallow my feelings and get full off the words i wish i could have said----but then I saw the cycle in my head. I saw what i've done repeatedly for years and how swallowing everything would only reinforce my destructive habits of the eating disorder...and so, in a voice much louder than I would have liked, i began to say a few of the things in my heart and mind...a few of the words I've wanted to say...
in simple, i let her know that I feel she has issues of her own and that until she faces them, she will never be able to understand me....
....And I wish I could say that it was this heartwarming conversation- but it wasn't---it was ugly. there was yelling, there was profanity. She, in short, once again told me that she hasn't any major problems and that I needed to get over it. I told her to how I wish she understood- that i wish I could explain it- but that I couldn't....and that it puts a damper on our relationship.... Later we eventually hugged and let each other know that we love each other....
but all that to say---she can't hear certain things. I want, more than anything, for my family to be able to step outside of themselves and see that they have issues in their own lives that they must face in order for our relationships to get better. selfishly, i want them to have to realize the hurt and pain in their own lives and want to get better for themselves and for me- so that perhaps we can become a deeper family... I want it selfishly because I want to be understood by them. I want to be able to run to them when I'm hurting- to run to my mom when I have nightmares of the abuse. I want to be able to crawl in my daddys arms and let him know that i'm having a hard time accepting my body. I want to be able to go to my sister and tell her how i need her support...
and they want to be able to do those things for me---i know they do and I love them for that- but the truth is, they cannot be there for me in such emotional ways because of their own baggage...
So today- instead of boycotting- i went to eat thanksgiving dinner a dear mentor (my latin professor). I actually even baked a cake (which I tried to make as healthy as possible so that I could convince myself to have a piece) and I make broccoli salad (again as healthy as I could)...but as the hours passed in approaching going to her house I began to get very nervous and terrified. The voice of the eating disorder- the lies of satan- bounced in my head and I wanted more than anything to call and decline- but I knew that I couldn't- i knew that IF I wanted to grow- if I want to continue on the road of recovery- i must step out of my box.
so I pulled up to this huge, house, knowing that I'm about to take part in a thanksgiving much unlike that of what I was raised...I walked in knowing that technically, I'm not in that social/economical class. I'm backwoods country and I was walking into a house with more class than I think I will ever have...I was walking in knowing I was going to have to eat & that I was going to have to step out of my box of comfort.
And of course she welcomed me with hugs and helped ease my tension by allowing me to help her cook and prepare things---and her family was great and accepting and loving. I'm sure a lot of the ackwardness I felt was more in my head than what they perceived or saw, and I'm sure they were honest and truthful when they said they were glad to have me....
And tonight she invited me to an AA open meeting where the topic was thankfulness and people got up and shared what they were thankful for---and my heart was simply overflowing. One lady coined everything I felt when she said "my cup overfloweth"...Dear David felt what I feel...
while there is so much in my life that i still have to work on- though I am still adjusting to living a life focused on recovery- while there are still places in my heart that hurt and ache- while all that is true: still God fills me with joy and love.
in areas that my family cannot fill, He has given His Son and provided other people into my life- to pour into me and to love me. Where I hurt from pain, He offers healing and restoration... There are times when I feel I want different and feel I could do better than God- but I know that He has a better plan, and in hindsight I'm able to see how precious He is to love me- so much as to thwart my plans in order to carry His out.. I talked with my teacher tonight about how she was truly a gift from God to me--and she told me I was to her as well---and honestly- it's terrifying for me to accept that...It is difficult for me to accept goodness and love from people. I always want to repay the gift or block the blessing out of feeling unworthy, undeserving- but slowly I am learning it's okay for me to accept things in life.
God gave Jesus to me---not out of anything that i had done, or anything that I ever could do. I must accept that as is. God is going to use others to love me- not out of anything I could do, but simply because---and I have to accept that. I must accept it in order to continue on the road of recovery that I have started.......
i sat in the hottub a few minutes ago and cried out to God- crying over the pains and sorrows of life- all the while thanking Him for allowing me to feel hurt, but to also feel such love. Thanking Him that even though I was the sheep who strayed, He followed me- and continues to come after me time and time again. Thanking Him that this world is only temporary but that He offers life eternal...He never promised this life to be easy. Things may never happen the way I want....I'm going to mess up, I'm to do things wrong.. I'm going to fuss with my sister, fret over silly things, hurt others' feelings...I"m going to be hurt again in life...But my hope is not in this world. My hope is in that of Jesus Christ- the only one who can bring true healing and redemption and restoration. And so I pray those processes continue in my life- that He continue to lead me and direct me and grow me into the woman He created me to be...

I call this part of my life "the regrowth- the redemption, restoration, & recovery"....
it's not always going to be easy----but i'm in for the long haul...

so- my question is---who else is with me?

2008-11-17T23:43:00.002-05:00

every day I'm becoming more and more attached to the children I nanny---which can be a good thing and a bad thing, considering I am yet to know what I'll be doing in the next year...
the twins have now reached the point that they know I am coming, and when they see me they run to me with hugs, wanting me to pick them up. Today as I opened the door to go inside they were "hiding" (along with Mommy) and literally almost made me jump out of my skin as all I heard was "BOO!"...
this "Boo!" thing is a new favorite for them. Someone says "Boo!" and the girls say "Scare me!" and we go back and forth again and again until we are all laughing and smiling....
Today Sophie woke up from her nap before Celia did. Normally, Celia wakes up and whines calling "mama" or "shebbi"until she gets picked up...Sophie, on the other hand, woke up babbling and singing...ok- quite honestly, I had laid on the couch and fell asleep reading my book and woke up hearing her sound so happy and i had to smile. I tiptoed upstairs and peeked in the room "shhh" so that she wouldn't wake up Celia and Sophie smiled so brightly. Sometimes I wonder if my heart will explode from love...

So, I was driving home from bible study tonight and put in a random mix cd of country music..."In My Daughter's Eyes" by Martina McBride came on and a wave of emotions hit me....
first---i began to wonder if the words she sang described how my mother feels about me...How did she feel when she found out she was pregnant with me, and when she had me...did she hold me and see a reflection of who she was and who I would grow up to be? ...is she proud of me? Does she know how even despite the pain and hurt over the years, I still looked up to her as a hero? Does she know how much I love her, how I would do anything for her?..how I want to make her happy and how i've always pushed hard to make sure I make her proud of me...Do I give her reason to believe? How do I affect her life---in a good way or in a bad way?...Does she know how deeply i love her? Does she realize how important she is to me and how blessed I feel to call her my mom?
second---I realized how much this song depicits how I feel towards the many children I have babysat over the years...They would look up to me like I was a hero- as if I had some type of control on the world, as if I was truly important...to them, I was a star, I was strong..nothing could go wrong while they were with me. I am superwoman and I am everything they want me to be....with the kids now, the twins know that I am the keeper of the m&ms- i have the answers and I will take care of them....when children run up ro me and I look into their eyes I see love and acceptance---not because I wear pants from Buckle, not because I carry a coach bag or have the lately itouch phone---but because I show them love...they love me for me...
Third---I began to question what God thinks when He looks into my eyes. Does He feel proud of me? ...Truly I know that when He looks at me all He sees is the face of His Son, Jesus Christ, still I long to hear from Him "Daughter, I am pleased with you" just as every young girl wants to hear from her father..

i know i'm rambling- but i'm not forcing you to read this...these are simply my thoughts, profound or not, that run through my ever processing mind.

2008-11-17T00:09:00.002-05:00

i don't like feeling helpless. call it a downfall if you'd like- but I do not like feeling like there is nothing i can do to help a situation...yet i somehow always find myself there--searching for words, unsure of what to say or do...

i currently have a few friends dealing with very hefty issues and more than anything, I wish I could take the problems and cast them into outerspace- to make them feel better and make life easier on them...

tonight i talked briefly with a friend who'd been sexually abused by her father...we talked about it and we both put on our happy faces- our faces we use to deceive others. she said she didn't know how she dealt with it- that sometimes she doesn't think about it---but that sometimes she wonders what it'd be like to have a real dad- a daddy who loved her, who she could talk to, who would walk her down the isle at her wedding, etc...the things many people take for granted--then she said that it was okay though...and surely it had to get better sometimes- right?..but i saw through it- I saw her pain in the way she couldn't look me in the eye, in how she smiled and looked to the side, in how she had to swallow and talk slowly. I felt the hurt in the water that arose in her eyes that she would not will to fall...
it broke my heart to see her pain and to know she felt that it wasn't okay for her to cry and hurt over it.....
Lately, I think one of the things that God has really been teaching me is that it's okay to hurt. It's okay to admit to myself that I've had some things happen in my life that sucked (for lack of a better word). It's okay to admit I've felt pain, anger, brokenness, & sorrow- because God understands that hurt...it was what He felt when Eve was deceived and when Adam also took the apple, when His people didn't trust that He would lead them to the promised land, when david committed adultery, when Jesus hung on the cross, when others mocked the disciples and tortured Paul...He feels hurt and betrayed when I sin, when I do what I know is wrong- when I ignore Him, when I fail to cling to Him...
It's okay to admit that my heart aches because His does too...Jesus's did too.
but amidst it all, I have to remember that He gives me a joy and peace to get through the trials....lately, I've felt that more and more...it doesn't mean that I necessisarily hurt any less- but it does mean that I know this world isn't the end...I know that my Joy doesn't come from anything in and of the world- but that My joy comes from the one who made the world---that my Joy and Peace and Hope lie in heaven, in eternal life.....

still.....i hurt...and others hurt.... this world is a horrible place- full of sin and hurt and brokenness...I think part of my duty, part of my purpose, is to take my story and allow God to use it...
tonight, that meant sitting with a friend who has been hurt and loving on her the best I could- to let her know she wasn't alone and that there is hope...
nevertheless--there was still a part of me that felt helpless because I cannot take her pain.. My prayer is that she come to know the One who can heal those wounds and restore her precious soul

2008-11-15T23:39:00.003-05:00

the holidays were grandma & grandpa's favorite...
Dec. 25, 2002, we sat in their living room and took a picture. We shared laughter and love, smiles and words.. He looked great- better than he had in years, and I convinced myself that he was going to prove all the doctors wrong- that he would see me graduate high school, see me finish college, be at my wedding, and hold my newborn baby....
2 weeks later Mama came to Piggly Wiggly, where I was working, and told me the news.....
no holiday has been the same since--she was just not able to overcome losing him....
and this year, neither will be in that big blue house...We won't have to worry about splitting time between both sides of the family...it's nothing like when I was child---
rushing to their house, bursting through the front doors to find her at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, a cigarette, and the crossword puzzle with books on flowers spread aimlessly about...i'll never go to the pond and see him in his chair, or smell the sweet mixture of sweat and hard work on his clothes...nor watch him lace or unlace those boots he always wore.
we won't walk into the back yard and soak ourselves in bugspray while feeding the goldfish or admiring her green thumb...her voice whispering "love" and "darling" will never bounce off the walls....
both were heroes in my book- as I would sit between them at the dinner table, watching The Price is Right and sipping on Pepsi....
and the closer the holidays get, the more I come to realize that both are gone, never to be in that big, blue house again... And it hurts...it hurts to know I never got to say goodbye--hurts that both passed at times when life was already crazy...it hurts that I never got to tell them all the wonderful things they taught me, that they never got to see me make something of myself- never got to see me excel....that they never got to see me overcome the trials of life...

many years ago, as a child, she asked me to sing "Amazing Grace" at her funeral....later, when he passed she told us it was okay if I couldn't sing it- that she wouldn't want to put me in a hard spot.....
This past Sunday, as a mentor read my bracelet "I am worth it" and squeezed my hand, "Amazing Grace" began to play....I hit every note, just as I did at her funeral, just as I did all those many times I've sang it before..

no holiday and all the days inbetween will ever be the same. memories and flashbacks are bound to hit me, and i'm certain i'll have more days of hurting....

but one thing i'm coming to see more and more is the truthfulness, the depth of those verses---the amazingness of that grace that covers me and wraps me and makes me new each day..

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,That saved a wretch like me.I once was lost but now am found,Was blind, but now I see.
T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.And Grace, my fears relieved.How precious did that Grace appearThe hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snaresI have already come;'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus farand Grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me.His word my hope secures.He will my shield and portion be,As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,And mortal life shall cease,I shall possess within the veil,A life of joy and peace.
When we've been here ten thousand yearsBright shining as the sun.We've no less days to sing God's praiseThan when we've first begun.

2008-11-14T10:48:00.002-05:00

my thoughts and feelings are everywhere and I have no idea where to begin....
I haven't words to describe the feelings and emotions running through me other than to say overwhelmed...---so I will just have to describe the things that have happened in the past 18ish hours....

Yesterday I nannied- as usual. The twins and I had to play upstairs because it was rainy outside- bummer... I was busy writing out vocabulary words to study for the GRE and the little girl came upstairs with a card for me---a card from the family- thanking me for all I do to make their life easier----and a $25 gift card to starbucks...
they feel I do so much for them- but I feel like they've done so much for me... they've made my life less stressful and have helped me financially...
the kids really brighten my days and lift my spirits in so many ways........it was so sweet to give me something extra- just because.

then last night, i had a few thoughts running through my head...I know they were straight from sin and satan- lies that I once believed...temptations that i knew I could not fall into... they were so strong that even in my sleep I heard them- and I ended up with a horrible migrane from fighting them off... in former times, when the thoughts would hit, I would act on them---but now the acting on the thoughts are not even an option....needless to say, I woke up with a horrible migrane- and it was foggy and yucky out... and i know it shouldn't- but when I wake up like that, I know it's not going to be a good day thought wise....

nevertheless, I went to class- Latin...this is the professor that i have become pretty close to. Sunday mornings I sit with her in church, we meet up sometimes just to talk, she's been so supportive and encouraging. Earlier this week I invited her to come hear me speak about my past and afterwards she hugged me and started to cry- saying it hurt her to hear about all I went through....Today after class she pulled me aside and showed me some paper that lists all the places you can donate money to---she pointed to something that said "Prevention of Child Abuse" and said to me "i donated in your name...I donated because of you"

......i'm shocked....i'm in awe....

i tell my story-- i tell it because it helps me move forward. It gives me accountability to stay in recovery and helps me get the word out of the seriousness of abuse and eating disorders.... I tell it in hopes that others will be encouraged, that others will know they aren't alone. I tell it in hopes that people will do something-- in hopes and in prayer that all i experienced wasn't in vain.....
and today she gave me proof and reassurance that it wasn't....I didn't hurt just in vain....
tears in my eyes form just at the thought of it and i feel part of the wall that i had built break......
today- God gave me reassurance through her that I am doing the right thing- that i'm on the right path- and that he's going to bless my efforts.....

God is so great.....God is so, so great

2008-11-13T15:16:00.001-05:00

...ironically- i had put Sunday night that I was standing on solid ground---
then tuesday in therapy my therapist said to me with tear filled eyes---
"you are back on solid ground aren't you?"

yes....I am....it's official-I'm standing on solid ground

2008-11-09T19:30:00.002-05:00

random thought- my hair is growing faster than it ever has before. I've been taking a supplement called "biotin" a few times a week- which is supposed to aid in hair, skin, & nails...but i'm uncertain whether it's truly the biotin, or if it's because I'm getting better nutrition....

....i've been babysitting/nannying a LOT lately...I'm not complaining. I love it- i really do. Saturday morning I had to be at a house at 530am and I babysat until about 5pm today. Yesterday we went to a birthday party of another little kid I babysit. All of the children were running up to me and I played with them- while all the parents chatted and such.... This morning, I took the child I was babysitting to church & sunday school with me. He had never been before but behaved so well! I was so proud of him...
....it's almost---what is the word I am looking for?
I have no children of my own, much less even have any notions that I'll even be dating anytime soon....yet- children are always fresh on my mind. When I hang out with friends my age, or other college students, I talk of the children. I tell stories of what we've done, the cutest thing they did or said---and when I'm not in class or doing something with RUF, i'm bound to be found with children, babysitting or nannying...
I guess---when it comes down to it- i truly do have a gift with children. i've yet to met a child who won't warm up to me, and even the moms talk about how amazing i am with their own kids....
but-i do admit it's weird at times because i'm always with the kids and rarely have the moments with adults. I remember when I used to go out to eat with people from my church---all the adults would be together and I'd have children surrounding the table with me...
I'm in my element--i am the most comfortable me when i'm with children....

Tuesday I'm speaking to a class of over 150. I think it's still too soon for me to get nervous. I hope a few of my friends will be able to come and stand in the back for moral support....

think you are busy? check out my schedule
Mon- class, meeting with intern, nanny, bible study
tues- therapy, meeting with graduate student, meet w professor, class, speak to class, nanny, group
Wed- class, meet w someone, class, nanny, RUF
Thur- homework?, coffee w someone, class, nanny
Fri- class, nanny
sat- nanny

most days- i got directly from one place to another---but truthfully- i'm okay.....i'm beginning to feel- for the first time in a while- that i'm standing on solid ground...

2008-11-04T11:59:00.002-05:00

....sometimes it seems like only yesterday....
other moments it seems like ages ago.....

my thoughts, feelings, and emotions are everywhere as I attempt to stand solid in what I know to be true from here on through the holidays...
i'm excited that the weather is changing- that the air is crisper -that I need a jacket to warm me....i'm happy that the holidays are approaching because of what they stand for...
but amidst it all- there is a part of me that longs fo the holidays to be different....that there not be such memories, feelings, and emotions attached to them...

i asked today will there ever be a day when things won't hurt as bad.....and I felt the knot in my throat choking down the emotions I fight so hard to protect...thoughts that i've swallowed 16 years..emotions I blocked in recent years and times....

she related it to a plane---how it's hard to jump out- but that she could if she jumped with an instructor....
i related it to flying...that longing i've always had to want to jump just to see if i could fly...because with flying, I may fall----but before I would hit- I'd be able to catch myself and soar high........
I think it's all signs that I'm in the healing process and that I am ready to truly confront things...i'm ready to face all that i've fought so hard against......i'm ready to make the jump into the dark.....and I will be able to catch myself........

it's scary and exciting all at once....and it has come at a time when I am already so full and busy...my days are filled with school and nannying and ministry and recovery........

now comes the hard seasons of the family togetherness---where for years i've put on the act and played the part i was asked....this year, i cannot continue to sacrifice my health simply to please others.......i'm shining the light on my life- i'm being honest about my thoughts, feelings, wants, and wishes.....

If i want to make a change- it has to start with me.........

tomorrow makes 3 years.....and i'm going strong......here's making a vow to myself that i will never go back to how it used to be........

i will be the difference i want to see in the world......and I pray God will use that for his glory........
that's all i can ask for this holiday season..

2008-10-23T11:27:00.002-04:00

things seem to be getting busier and busier- and i'm trusting that even still- God is in control
I've slept a little more lately than usual- but the problem is that it's not good sleep & I actually end up more fatigued...nightmares & cold sweats. Mind you, I can't remember a time in my life where I wasn't plagued by bad dreams or struggle with sleep & to be honest I'd accepted that THAT was just the way I was---but lately people keep telling me how much they enjoy sleep & how they don't have nightmares or cold sweats near like i do and I suppose I'm frustrated that I can't say the same for myself.

....i went to walmart this morning and was wasting time when i heard from the aisle over "you better watch out you better not cry...Cause Santa Claus is coming to town"--in the sweetest little child's voice....
for a moment i was taken back to being a small child- and it's almost bittersweet....
lately more and more i've come to realize just how deep my love for children runs and the mere thought that i may not have any of my own one day scares me immensely!
the twins are growing so much & "Shee-bbi" is who I am to them. Yesterday I got to pick them up from enrichment school. I could see them through the window sitting in their bye-bye buggy & I heard Sophie excitedly scream & point to me "SHEE-BBI!!!!" What a BLESSING it has been to be a nanny for this family!

the weather has finally cooled here & I actually have on jeans & a long sleeve tee and it makes my heart happy....i enjoy being able to drink my coffee & not sweat!!!

things are rolling along........i need to get busy with my school work.............

2008-10-09T10:15:00.002-04:00

i have registered to take my GRE on Oct 20..

it's Oct and i'm graduating in December and i need to have my applications in for grad school by the start of December.....
and literally I am freaking out.

so how convienent that at RUF large group the topic was "peace"
conviction HIT me strong & knock me to my feet.

Root of Aniexty, Remedy of Anxiety, & Result of peace
in a nut shell- my anxiety and fears come because i have a limited view of God...like when you put your fingers close to your eye and crush someone's head with your fingers- that's how i view God sometimes....
or when i don't do that- then don't trust that what He says is true...i don't trust that i'm worthy of having Him answer me or take care of me...i feel that my sins are so big that God can't handle it.
.....But- I know otherwise....technically, I just have to learn to train and condition myself to not life by those feelings anymore- but to live by the truth that i know in my heart and mind from having read the bible....
but- despite all the anxiety i have at times, despite the fact that i'm terrified about the future, despite the pain and hurt and suffering i've faced & the many times i've cried out to God- "WHY", there is within me a peace in knowing that i'm in hands and that NOTHING can separate me from him....
and....it makes me think----those who don't believe----how do they do it? how do they cope?...what have they to live for if they don't believe?....

I'm so blessed and feel so honored to call myself a daughter of the Most High King...so undeserving yet so granted with mercy and grace by the power of Christ.....
i forget who said it- but it's almost as if God loved me more than he loved His own Son---because He caused His own Son to die for my sake....

so here's to a new day.....striving to NOT be so overly anxious....

breathe....just moment by moment

2008-09-21T20:41:00.003-04:00

in light of all good news is bad news...
today was a bit of a reflective day for me...the sun wasn't shining and so i opted to clean up instead of exercise..
it's always bittersweet to go back through old boxes when I rearrange- seeing things from years ago- looking back over old hospital charts & journal entries...
there is a sense of loss- seeing pictures of people no longer in my life- either by death, distance, choice, or mistakes...
but it can also be encouraging to revisit those old times and realize how far I've come...to realize that God has brought me through every time I fell...
...a moment ago I received a text forward from someone back home asking for prayers for a family who just lost their only son....to suicide...
I don't know all the details....i dont' know if i ever will know all the details-and it probably wouldn't matter even if i did.....
because to hear that I feel the pain...i know how overwhelming life can seem---and to think that is your only way out....
my heart just breaks for the family....for the friends....for every life that will be touched because of this...my heart breaks for those in similar situations who are contemplating their life because this life on earth is too much for them.....
......i'm not a bible scholar...and i haven't knowledge on how God views suicide....but I vaguely remember hearing a girl ask you, LB, about it that 1st year i met you....i don't even remember what you said- but I think you comforted her because she'd lost a dear friend to suicide....i think you let her know that if that person truly believed in God and had accepted Jesus as her/his savior then even death could not separate that...
i pray that for this man...for his sake, and for the sake of those who loved him...
and I pray that God is going to turn this situation around and use it for his glory....

....on a different note, I found out that I have used up my outpatient mental health days...that means insurance will not cover me anymore this year in terms of mental health---ie, therapy (neither individual nor group)....
the insurance company let me know that they gave me a huge allowance of 50 days outpatient & that I used them----but that I did still have 40 days inpatient left to use.........but that no, they will not transfer my inpatient days to outpatient- EVEN though, outpatient is much cheaper than inpatient. They said to let them know if I ended up inpatient & they would cover me....
........again- i don't consider myself to be big into politics- but something is not right about this scenario.. I'm not the only one stuck in this situation. I just had 2 friends who had to raise money to go off to long term treatment because either their insurance wouldn't cover out of state- or because they'd already used too many inpatient days... and so i wonder---how many of those statistics lost to mental health diseases/disorders/suicide/etc each year are because people wouldn't seek treatment because they didn't have the money & insurance wouldn't approve?...
it makes me sad.......people are dying....and this is not just a mental health issue- think of all the people without medical insurance would cant afford proper treatment for diseases/sicknesses/illnesses......
currently-i have no clue what i'm going to do....my therapist is a great lady and has told me I'm not allowed to quit therapy- that i just have to let her know between $1 & $70 how much I could pay her per session and that she will write off the rest...as for group?---i'm sure she'll work with me too...i suppose i could manage without group- but then i wouldn't have support of girls right here in my area who understand- and i've let them all know and all refuse to let me quit....so we will see....
push come to shove- I could probably find a nightly part time job----or something...God will provide a way for what He thinks I need to be in...He always has....always will..

please pray for this family......i'm sure it's a shock to our whole community......and we all know how things get in those small towns.......i just don't want nasty rumors spreading about it all because I can't imagine how his parents already feel......please pray God grant them peace and that He give us clarity as to what He is doing in this situation.........

2008-09-20T13:53:00.002-04:00

Onion Sprint Triathlon was today!!! yay!

So- honestly- I have NOT trained in 3 weeks because I've been so sick with allergies, pink eye, infections, etc....nevertheless, 530am came very early this morning

here are April & I setting up at the transition station at 7am

after I took this pic I said something bout the guy's booty & he started laughing..haha- great way to start a day!

it's official- I have disporportionate legs...they look like chicken legs

....ok- disclaimer- The past 2 mini tri's that we've done for the most part if i get tired swimming i can stand up....THIS time- we had to swim out into a lake and make a triangle and come back in where we started...PHEW! it was ROUGH! when we signed up- it said soft Georgia hills as the terrian..granted it wasn't like the mountains- it was DEFINITELY more hilly than I was used to! Then came the run- and this ALSO had hills that were constantly up and down- up and down..the whole time i stayed behind this one girl to set my pace- but the last few hundred yards I sprinted a little then felt a "pop" in my back. Currently I am in some major back pain but i HOPE it doesn't stic around....

REGARDLESS- April ended up 3rd in her age group

and SOMEHOW- even though April finished before me- I ended up 1st in my age group!!!
it's CRAZY! hahaha....there obviously mustn't have been many girls my age---but placing is an accomplishment...

now I have to get ready & head out ot tailgate....gah i'm tired!

just another normal weekend for me!

2008-09-14T11:40:00.002-04:00

so i've been sick goin on 3 weeks now. the past 2 mondays I've gone to the health clinic on campus and gotten checked out. The first time hsaid it was in fact pink eye & that i needed to take a decongestant because I was congested...e said that it was probaby allergies & that i just neededan antihistamine. The second time she
Now, I'm wondering if I should go yet again or if I should just play it off? I do believe I am going to have to break down and go see an allergist because it seems I have stayed sick with one thing or another for more than afew years....

on OTHER notes- Wednesday night & Thursday night I played Nanny and stayed with the children overnight. ..mind you- Grandmoter also stayed, I think it would have been easier on me had she NOT been there.
For the most part everything went smoothly. The only time I was frustrated was Thursday late night into Friday morning as one of the twins decided NOT to sleep. She was up from about 2am to 530am then woke up again about 630am....It didn't bother me so much that she was awake- but I KNEW she'd be one crabby patty the next day----and she was...Come Frida evening about 5pm she was delirious! She wouldn't listen and was crying at the drop of a hat, bit her sister, and was running around like crazy...THANKFULLY, she slept Friday night and Saturday she was much better.

i'm already behind on everything that I need to be doing in term of school...i MUST take my GRE asap and get on the ball with applications to Grad school. I'm lookin hard at Georgia State in ATL but leaving my options open.....

it's hard to believe that I'm "growing up"....I get torn between 2 extremes- 1. feeling so old and worn out, exhausted and knowledged beyond my years and 2. forgetting that I am 23 and moving forward in life, not realizing that those years of life I can't remember clearly still occurred and added years to my age....

recently in class I was posed with the question as to how I've managed to keep my faith despite the pain of life......The question I have for others is how they manage to continue life without faith in Christ..
it isn't fair for me to say that I "kept my faith" because it is God who has a grip on me. He called me at an early age and despite all the running that I've done in the opposite direction, He has refused to let go of me. The parable of the Shepard who has 99 sheep but has lost 1 and goes to find that 1---I feel that is the story of Christ chasing after me. I only wonder how those who haven't accepted Christ trudge through this world that we call life....
The trials I have faced continue to make me stronger and deepen my faith in Christ and His work at the cross.. as Paul said- "I will boast all the more gladly in my trials...for when I am weak then I am strong..."

2008-09-09T20:59:00.002-04:00

i remember that summer in bits and pieces...i'd been workin with the lawyer and wasn't at my lowest , but i was in deep- over my head...my friend had convinced me that i should go to this place called "SuperWOW" with her church. It would be a fun trip- a week at the beach, with believers- a time to refuel and come back rejuevenated...
but i honestly had no idea as to what God had in stored...I remember the anxiety as I prepared to go- worried about how i'd get past the eating, how i could cover my body so that i wouldn't have to been seen in a bathing suit, how would i exercise, how would i go all week without a scale.
and at the last minute i started to back out but knew i wouldn't be able to explain why....
so I went...much of the trip is a haze- just foggy videoclips of being with the people- me avoiding meals- waking up early enough to run- hiding the pills...
he spoke first- telling of his battle with depression and attempting suicide...it struck me at a soft nerve- knowing the feeling of emptiness, longing to be out of this world...but i pushed it aside and denied ever feeling such...i'd begun to regret coming on this trip- the anxiety kept me awake all night- on the edge, scared of being found out..
Later my past hit me strong...something led to me to the alter and I found myself with another- ambivalent to say what was on my heart- but i poured out my heart and confessed to the secret that i'd hidden my entire childhood-admitting to the abuse. Her love was great as she reaffirmed to me that it wasnt my fault- that God wanted to restore my soul and use it to bring Him glory...
then she got up to speak...her beauty is what first caught my attention on the first day---but her presence made me interested in what she had to say. Her voice was so strong and she stood tall- presenting such confidence and assurance- then her story hit me hard- "i'm in recovery from an eating disorder". Her facts and stats shocked me as they related so close to mine, like a mirror before me I saw myself for what I truly was...her words broke me- crushed me- made me realize how deep I was. I vaguely the remember the moment I spoke to her- scared undermines the feeling within me as I tried to downplay my circumstances. She saw through it. Looking back, i'm sure she realized that I was making it out to be much better than it actually was...I'm sure she picked up that I lied and overestimated intake and underestimated my outtake and sources of outtake.

She and he made a vow that summer to see me through...they vowed to do all they could to help me---and in those darkest hours- at the times when I'd reached my lowest- they stood strong to their intial promise......
Looking back- I can see the presence of God- I can see His work as He wove the patterns together... The first time I truly saw my problem and the first time I truly opened up about my past...
it was take another year and a half before i was ready to truly reach out for help- but that summer was a defining point in my life..that summer showed me the omnipotence of God- showed me that He did have a purpose in my life...
i'll forever be grateful to those 3 people and the role they played in my life- for their love- for their willingness to allow God to use them...

now it's my turn...over the past 2 years, I've had opportunities time and time again to reach out- to stand before others and tell my story- to tell of God and how He redeemed me- how He took the mess I was and is transforming me, making me more like Him...how He's taking the lowest of lows and using them to reach out and help others in need....

This week, a lady asked my boss if she knew anyone to speak to a group of youth about eating disorders- and my boss led her to me...Next Wednesday, I'll stand before them and tell them of those years in bondage- of the pain, terror, fear, hurt, anxiety- but I'll get to tell them about that summer and about the road I began to travel that led to treatment and what is now my road to recovery- my road of restoration...
It's not perfect....but it's my life----and He will use it for His glory

2008-09-08T12:18:00.006-04:00

I've had the joy (sarcasm) of being sick the past week or 2. I always have allergy issues, but the past few weeks I've really been struggling with congestion - which led to drainage, which led to a sore throat & earache, which led to a bad cough, which led to losing my voice, which led to runny nose, & now has settled as pink eye...but, if I do say so myself, I think I've been the trooper through it all and put on my happy face- pushing through the pain & squeaking out what words I could...for example
I decided last Wednesday that EVEN THOUGH I couldn't talk & it felt like I was swallowing knives, that I would go to Bible Study...I live a good 8 minute from campus so I took off about 8:30 so that I'd have time to print something at the library. When I got on campus I saw blue lights in my rearview. Needless to say, I was stunned- trying to figure out WHY he'd pull me over...the conversation when something like this
Police Officer: "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"
Sherri: "quite honestly- no"
PO: "it's about your headlights"
S: "huh?"
PO: "yeh we got a call that your head lights weren't on from someone behind you on 301"
S: "OH MY! Goodness I didn't know"

PO: "have you been drinking? How much have you been drinking?"
S: this is where i'm thinking- YOU"VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! but I said "none"
PO: "are you sick"
S: "Obviously" as my voice is horribly raspy "but I didn't realize I was THAT sick as to not turn on my lights"

PO: didn't get the joke.."where are you headed"
S: "bible study right here in this building"
PO: "bible study" he said it like it was a foreign language..."Bible study?"

S: "yeh- it's right here- RUF...in this building at 9"
PO: "What is it? where is it? when?"

S: by this point i'm frustrated & KNOW I should've stayed home "Bible study- this the business building- at 9"

PO: "oh.....I'm giving you a warning"

what is it about my life that I do stupid things like getting pulled over for NOT turning on my lights?

it was funny...kinda....but I figured from now on if I'm feeling that badly I won't go---i might do something stupid again
but what appalled me most was that he didn't believe I was going to bible study...hE seriously questioned me about 10 times about that...it reminded me of where I was and the stereotype of a college student at GSU....

on other news- I am STILL LOVING my job- even though i KNOW I got this cold from the kids.. Here are some pics from recently
on this day- Jackson made a car out of a box & his scooter...and Chandler tried my rollerblades...

This is the girls taking a snack break

above: Me with Sophie, Celia riding her bike, & Sophie Cheesing for the camera
---this was TOO cute! twins sharing the car!

i am nothing

2008-08-24T00:05:00.003-04:00

I could travel over oceans, cross the deserts, climb the mountains
Just to share Your story, bring You glory, and win souls for You.
AND I could sing like an angel, songs so humble and so thankful
Full of drama and emotion, so the world would know Your truth.
I could give away my money and my clothes and my food
To restore those people who are poor, AND lost, and down-and-out.
Oh, I could succeed at all these things,
Find favor with peasants and kings,
But if I do not love,
I am nothing.
I could live a flawless life,

Never cheat or steal or lie,

And always speak so kindly, smile SO warmly, and go about doing good.

I could dedicate myself to do what everyone else wants me to-
Listen to them, compliment them, say the things I should.
I could show up every Sunday, lead the Choir and Bible Study
And they all might come to know me as a leader and a friend.
Oh, I could achieve success on Earth, but success cannot define my worth
And all these actions, all these words, THEY will not matter in the end-

Chorus:CAUSE Songs will fade to silence,
Stories, they will cease.
The dust will settle,
covering all my selfless deeds.
So as I strive to serve You,
Won't You make it clear to me,
THAT If I do not love,
I am nothing.

Bridge:AND If I cannot live my life loving my brother,
Then how can I love the One who lived His life for me?
OH, Sent to Earth from Heaven,Humble Servant, Holy King,
Come to share a story, get no glory, and save my searching soul,
You knew that I'd deny You, crucify You,
but nothing could stop You fromliving for me, dying for me, so that I would know-

Chorus:THAT Songs will fade to silence,
Stories they will cease,
The dust will settle covering ALL MY selfless deeds.
But Your life here has made it clear enough for me to see
That if I do not love,

I am nothing

I think that says it all folks.....how often I am nothing....how often I am nothing....

Fay OVERreactions

2008-08-23T16:33:00.000-04:00

so- I'm livin in statesboro- which is about 45 miles west of Savannah---2.5 hours north of Jax, Fl...
needless to say- we are getting the effects of Fay....so thus leads me to my story--
Yesterday I had a 9am class on campus then an 11am meeting with a professor. about 1030ish i had to run across campus to get some papers to apply for graduation in Dec..at the time it was drizzling a little- not much. So I get in with my professor & she says "How are you not wet?" I told her that it wasn't raining when I was outside.
Our meeting was shorter than we had thought so I was stoked because I would get to go on to nanny early. (This week has been crazy for my dear nanny family! one of the 21mon old twins had double pink eye, an ear infection, sinus infection & then passed out & they had to call 911. The 9yr old started football & has practice EVERY night. the 6 yr old had surgery on her finger to correct a bone...needless to say i KNEW the mom wanted me around as much as possible to help!)
ANYWAY- so I walk out into the lobby of the building- and there are like 100s of students standing around just staring at the door. I asked "whats going on?" and this chic says "it's a tornado warning! they told us to get inside and stay away from windows & doors."

ok- I grew up in south ga where we would have tornado warnings almost weekly in the summer- from May to Sept. Am i scared of them?- a little. In fact, we've driven through some Terrible storms! i remember one summer we were driving to visit family and as we were passing over the bridge in Jax, the radio was saying how there had been like 8 tornados spotted. I was in the backseat frozen in fear and i think i ended up throwing up when we finally made it across. Up until I was probably in high school- when we had bad weather- I would either climb in my parents bed or had someone come sleep with me or I would end up in the bathroom sick. A few years ago I actually had to drive through a storm where there were tornados being seen on the road, in the area, where I was....yes- I'm terrified of storms come to think of it. I know there have been times that I'vepulled off the road and prayed for the weather to slack up...I remember a time when a storm came through and picked up our storage shelter in the backyard an threw it the length of the house and mama made us get in the tub. ok- I admit, I am a baby about storms!
So- here we all are- standing in the lobby..and what do I do? I took off my glasses, and started to roll up my pants. Just then I see 3 of my professors talking and they see what I'm doing and ask "you aren't really going to go out in that?"
Yep...they tried to stop me "Sherri, this is serious! What's more important- death or work?"
in my head I'm thinking- and seriously this is my thought process- 'i've been through some crap in my day. i've done some terrible and life-threatening things...God didn't take me then--and i seriously don't believe He'll take me by a stupid storm"
I continue to roll up my pants & then take off my flip-flops. "Sherri- really- just stay put."
at this point, it's just raining- but not even REALLY bad and the winds are THAT bad- so I smile that sweet southern smile and in my accent say "I grew up in the country in south georgia- this ain't nothing to me" and I took off running whil hearing a professor say "i'll say a prayer for you"
needless to say- I was at work about 15 minutes later and was safe and sound- laughing at how much they were overreacting. It was hilarious- and I can't wait to get on campus Monday & tell them that I was right....

....maybe I'm a bit of a daredevil---but it was quite the site- me with my pants hiked up- running full speed across campus- splashin in the rain and smiling....I was a kid conquering a fear- laughing at satan and smiling that God had allowed me another day!

.....

2008-08-22T09:53:00.000-04:00

at the moment I'm a bit heartbroken....not your typical "he broke my heart" but hurting over a friend...

wednesday I had a friend re-enter treatment...it was much needed- but it is still heartbreaking to me. She and I met this year after she released from treatment and joined my group...from day one, I've been concerned about her and through the past months I've watched her weight dwindle lower and lower....recently I had to voice my concerns and be honest about my thoughts on her well-being...quite honestly, I was terrified from week-to-week that I would get a phone call that she was in the hospital---or worse...
Wednesday she checked herself in and though i'm very elated and relieved- knowing she is in good hands, my heart still breaks for the pain she must be feeling....
No one knows how it feels unless you've been there---but to be so enveloped in an eating disorder is proof that ultimately, you are ok with dying...in fact, an eating disorder is just a form of slow suicide...My herat breaks that she is hurting so within that she is engulfed in this disorder..

I hurt because I know there is more...I was there...I didn't mind the fact that i was killing myself---honestly- I knew that I was going to die and I thought the sooner the better...I never would verbalize it at the moment nor admit that the thoughts of suicide played in my head daily- but now I can look back and see that was clearly my plan...i wanted to die and the eating disorder was my way out...

Oh praise God that He had other plans for me! Praise His HOLY and magnificent name that He saw fit to place individuals in my life to remind me that i was worth much more than what I was doing to myself. Thank God that when at my lowest and begged for death to take me in the night that He allowed me to awake another day...day after painful day I awoke as He slowly opened my eyes to see that He has a much bigger purpose for my life.

....and now my dear "sister" is in the same situation I was in...uncertain of why she is even caught in the disorder...unsure of what tomorrow brings...

my heart breaks for her....my heart breaks for the other girls- still caught in the throes of it all- fighting tooth and nail to make it through to the other side...to the girls who have yet to see that there is hope and life without the disorder...and to the girls who've lost their lives without ever recovering from the all-consuming disorder..

my recovery hasn't been perfect and still fails to be....there are days i feel consumed by the thoughts and feelings- days when I wonder if recovery is even possible....days when i feel the dark, heavy cloud looming on my shoulders...but there are also days when I know I'm on the right track
days where I can see the sun shining and feel God's love and grace and mercy pouring over me- lifting me and carrying me through the hours...
days when I can proudly say that I am a woman who is overcoming the circumstances of life...
....for today- I know I am doing what I have to in order to make it through this trial of life- all the while hurting and mourning over the fact that many others have yet to realize what I have- have yet to understand that they, too, were created with a much bigger purpose in life....

I pray they begin to see it
i pray God will touch them- reach to them in the way He did me- that they will FEEL and hear His calling and that they would listen....

my recovery is not perfect
but He said it didnt have to be
what matters is that I'm on His side and I refuse to give up or give in to the ways & darkness of the world....

and as i continue to fight, my heart breaks for those who still hurt
my heart is with them today and always always

2008-08-16T23:15:00.000-04:00

i get paid too much money...entirely TOO much!!! I truly believe that for me, babysitting and nannying is by far the easiest job. The other day I got a kick out of the twins when I gave them powdered doughnuts & blueberries for snack. Sophie (left) would take Celia's (right) then Celia would take her back. Finally, Sophie was holding a doughnut in each hand and would then lean her face down to get the doughnut off her napkin. Their little cheeks puffed up and powdered sugar covered their little mouths. It was too adorable to pass up on the camera...

Look at those faces!!!

Friday, the Mommy went out of town for a girls' weekend and I drove the tank (my name for their extended tahoe) to pick up the twins from school. Later, Grandmother came over and wanted us all to ride with her to take the recycling...and SOMEHOW I ended up in the way back between Jackson & Bailey....aren't they charming!?!

....April & I decided to run in the Peanut Run 5k today. Check in was at 6am and the race was at 7am....we had the clock set for 5am- but we BOTH kept hitting the snooze...eventually we creaked out of bed & made the drive to middle-of-no-where-Brooklet...First, let me say that the t-shirt has a peanut on it that looks more like Mr.Hanky the Christmas Poo...hahaha
April ended up about 21 min something & got 2nd in her age group. I ended up about 27 something- which I really want to improve as that isn't my fastest time. I had been feeling a pull in my arch & the inner part of my foot & once I pulled off my shoe I saw that I have a little area that is swollen & very sore & bruised...I'm PRAYING it was just my shoes- but that doesn't make sense because I normally run in those shoes...It wouldn't bother me but i really wanted to train for the next triathlon- Sept 20!!! I suppose it'll just be bike & weights this week to give my foot a little rest....
So- as we started to leave, we HAD to be rebels & get pictures with the Peanut....

and of COURSE I had to be a rebel...the act of me getting this off the truck & getting the picture then putting it back & sprinting to the car was HILARIOUS!!!...well---ya know---gotta make things interesting.

LONG TIME OVERDUE!

2008-08-14T21:10:00.000-04:00

Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right. -Henry Ford

I'm coming to believe this more and more here lately...but i've somewhat changed the quote a bit for me---something more like this:
If you think you can't, you won't- but if you think you can, you'll do everything possible to make sure you will...
There have been many times in my life where I thought "..but I can't.." and many times when I didn't...but there have been times when I thought "..I can't.." then had someone tell me "yes you can" and so I began to believe it and worked until I achieved whatever goal I had my eyes on...
I remember there was a day when I thought that I would never be able to live without the dark cloud that hung over my head...a time in life where I felt that no matter what, i'd never be able to overcome the forces against me...Praise GOD i had friends, people I love dearly, who consistently told me otherwise...I didn't believe it at first- but I didn't want to let them down & so I fought for them- for everyone who told me that i was worth more- for everyone who said they loved me and knew that I could change things in my life...and somewhere along the way, i realized that I wasn't just fighting for them- but that I believed as well that I COULD make it through the storm...Though- I can't take full credit because I know it is ONLY by the power of the blood- by a grace so amazingly sufficient- that has led me to where I am..
no- everyday isn't perfect and I still have my moments where the dark, fogginess looms over me---deep down, I know I CAN and I WILL do whatever it takes to make it through this world....
one way I keep my sanity is by exercising and working to train my body for races and such...I believe it's healthy for me because I see the positive effects it has on my body as well as the relief from stress it provides me.
this past weekend, a fellow survivor and myself decided we would compete in an mini-triathlon. It wasn't our first, but we were a bit nervous because the mileage was different than we were used to.

so- we set off to complete the 8th annual Swamp-a-thon...

yes- I said SWAMP-A-THON....check out the entrance sign!!!SO- come to find out- it's an 8ish mile bike, 3ish mile run, & 1.5ish mile swim IN A RIVER downstream (granted- there were lots of places the river was shallow enough to walk- YOU try walkin in a river that far!!!)
THIS is BOBBY!!!--the guy who put this race in order...he led the way in his truck- and the whole way I'd hollar at him or talk to the guy who was beside me...April & me before we took off---notice we have NO clue what we are about to get ourselves into! so- I was in 2nd the entire bike (thank you GMC for your invention of a cheaper road bike that i could afford)---the guy in the lead ran beside me the entire way and we talked...it was quite funny because April caught up to us on the run since she's a speedy pistol- and i tried to talk to her- but she was in the zone...
the guy WOULD have beaten me- but he waited on the other girl (they were friends), so that gave me time to get ahead of them in the river....and SOMEHOW- after about 35 or 45 minutes of trudging and swimming down the river- I FINISHED!!! in 2nd place!!!

So here is al the people who were there- only 6 competed- but it was loads of fun! A good 1hr & 40 min workout!

On OTHER thoughts- I think I have one of the BEST jobs!! I get to nanny 5 AMAZING children who are being raised by two God-fearing parents...needless to say- it's not much of a job- more of just a time to hang out with some kids that are incredibly loving & lovable!
this is Bailey (6)- she's a HOOT!

Below are Celia & Sophie (respectively)(21months). these twins are the MAIN kids I watch as Mommy transports the "big kids" from school to sports, dance, friends, etc....most times, it's just me and "the girls"- playing and goofing off- napping occasionally! They definitely keep me on my toes!!!

& here is one of me & jackson (7)---it's blurry-Bailey took it with my blackberry... bless her heart!
a picture of oldest brother Chandler (9) will come- if we can slow down enough to get one!

OKAY!! i'm QUITE aware this post has been INCREDIBLY long---but i just haven't posted and i have so much to say!!!
...but, i'll save some for tomorrow...you MUST check back as I'll be writing on some books I've had my nose in and a few other things keeping me busy---
until then- Peace & love...

Make it all stop!

2007-07-13T23:21:00.000-04:00

I just finished watching some new Model reality show on the TLC channel...a whole hour long segment to be on air the next several Fridays at 10pm showing 6 girls pursuing a modeling career...I sat through that whole hour...not because I actually care but because I am in awe of their thin, fragile bodies...because deep inside me there is still a longing to have that body back...

as I watched, I had these memories of how I used to be such a size...how I was a long, lanky girl...but I never knew it at the time...I never saw it as thin...and no matter how thin I got, it was never enough. I never even thought of modeling, never saw myself even in a bathing suit...at my lightest weight, the thought of tryign on a bathing suit had me in tears and so I opted for one that was much too large...

but this is the world I live in...there is in me a voice which I have been working to silence...a voice that screams for thinness...a voice that will not be satisfied until I starve myself to death...

and here, on this new reality show, they have young women parading around, thin & underweight- using their pelvic bones as mating calls...

why do we glorify that which is unattainable? Why do we put "thin" on a pedastol and tell other women that they could stand to lose some weight? Why is "thin" never thin enough?...

Everywhere we look there is someone smaller and we automatically fight with our bodies to try to become the thinnest...no woman is naturally as thin as we expect models to be- yet we place them in magazines, ads, books & billboards- selling everything from clothes to soap to window shades.

And I'm guilty of it...I placed "thin" on a throne and bowed down to it my whole life- and at times, I find myself face down in front of it even now... Thin never got me anything but a bed in ICU....Thin landed me in a hospital with nurses & doctors trying to tell me I was dying, all the while I tried to fuss over the meal they wanted me to eat......

...We tell girls and women that they have to be sexy...that they have to have this haircut and where those pants or shorts and that the dresses have to show the curves and bustlines...we live in a society where birth control is given out to the middle schoolers at the health centers and condoms are for sell in any restroom...where we teach the children that to have sex is okay as long as there is protection is involved. We send the message for girls to please the men and give them what they want because, as you know, it is the girl's fault that she is attractive...

We teach each other to walk around allowing our hips to shake and butts to move so that men from behind can strip us in their mind and rape us without our knowing...where "no" doesn't matter and the girls are willing...

what happened to decency?...what happened to saving sex for marriage? What happened to respecting a woman's body as her own because it was fashioned to that one God intended for her? What happened to loving our bodies, regardless of how thin a person may not be?...

was it all just folk lore and myths?...did respect die the day man first touched a woman?...how did we get so far down this dark and cruel world of immoral standards?

.....i've never known a world where a girl's body was her own...I don't remember a time of a man trying to get something from me, trying to rob me of my innocence over a childhood game of "go fish"...I never knew that a woman could be beautiful as she was, without going to all extremes to lose those 10 extra pounds........

this is the world I live in...where girls and women watch a show on TV and then deny themselves days of food because they aren't the perfect size 2.....

.....when does it all end?....how can we put a stop to it?....

business of summer

2007-07-05T22:47:00.000-04:00

so I'm leaving in the morning to take the youth kiddies to the beach- not really ON the beach, but at the beach- Epworth.........

I'm tired to say the least...but, excited to be going...

I got terribly sunburnt on my face yesterday as I stayed outside by the pool and on my bike from 1230 noon until about 7pm...yeh...duh me...no sunblock on the face...little pain on the nose and such... But I'm hoping it lightens some by tomorrow so I won't have a fever or feel bad.

we'll be coming back monday- after we spend that entire day at another water park...

then I get to come home and find odd jobs to do, as well as pack up my belongings and get them moved to my sisters.. I'm ready for the move..I mean, I'm going to miss the people here, no doubt, but it's time.

we'll see how it goes I suppose....

i suppose I shoudl find some sleep tonight, because I know those kids will have me up late- but honestly, I'm just not that tired. Go figure!

sentimental

2007-06-18T23:53:00.000-04:00

sometimes, i get really sentimental- thinking of the love people have given me- remembering where I was a few years or months back- and I just cry.....

tears just flow quicker than I can control- remembering how sick i was and how determined a few people were to see me through....

i was that way just a few moments ago as i relived those times in my head- and recalled the love a brother had- a pure genuine love from my Father in Heaven- and how that love was something I clung to on days where I felt most like giving up.....

i pray that one day- I am able to love someone in such a way- and that i'm able to help someone in such a huge way....not because or being rewarded- but to just give back what I've been given- and to bring HIM the glory....

....amen....

poka-dotted

2007-06-12T22:29:00.000-04:00

...phew...

what a day, or week, so far! Yesterday I went and helped a family clean then we swam a bit...Afterwards, I had to rush to go babysit and we swam a bit then cleaned...
Today, I went to the church and cleaned up- which meant carrying several heavy loads to the dumpster- then I painted kilz in a room- the entire room...i got home around 730 and went for a 8.5 mile bike ride...something is wrong with the gears on the bike and they constantly try to change, unsuccessfully, while I'm riding up hills or in the soft sand. That ride tonight seemed a lot longer because of the rain we got (PRAISE GOD!!!) and all that jazz.....

and even though I scrubbed, I still have white specks all over my arms and legs and even in my hair. I'm poka-dotted..

Tomorrow, I may go ahead and paint that room at the church- and I really need to wash and vacumn my car- and tomorrow night we'll have church........

i'm staying busy..I like being busy...keeps my mind off other things and keeps me active so that I won't get too bored...

Sunday night's message was on love- how often times love hurts because to love deeply means that you open yourself to losing...
I feel a loss coming up as I prepare to move...it'll mean saying goodbye to seeing my church family several times throughout the week....goodbye to those "I love you Miss Sherri" and those precious innocent smiles of my darling kiddies......

but I'm trusting God will provide me with more people like that in my life and that I'll be able to visit often...

...suppose I should get some sleep since tomorrow will be a long day again....

...Pray for rain!! we can't get enough of it!

prayer request

2007-06-07T22:30:00.000-04:00

I could use some extra prayers as of late....I'm in a difficult situation and part regards my family...very difficult decisions need to be made....

more later...maybe

Blues Clues

2007-06-06T21:14:00.000-04:00

babysat today- ended up falling asleep in the chair while watching Blues Clues with the little girl- she fell asleep too so I didn't feel too guilty bout it...

...i was just thinking...

..I really enjoy it when people ask me questions about how and why I've survived...why, despite all I've been through and all I've done, I've been able to pull through....I like answering because it gives me that opportunity to share Christ- to share my Creator and True Lover and Savior to them...to let them know that it was HE who delivered me...

all my life He's been there....through all the hurts and pains, joys and good times, He's been right by me- and it's through HIS strength that I am here today.....

..i love being able to say that....to take my life and turn it around for HIS glory....

random thoughts

2007-06-04T23:36:00.000-04:00

i'm getting nervous about going back to school and living with my sister

I'm worried about grandma...I went and cleaned for her today but didn't finish...it upsets me that my cousin is simply using her for a place to stay but is causing more stress and won't keep the house clean....

atlanta fest is coming up soon! June 16!!!

then the Mini Triatholon on June 24th!!!

think I want to get my hair highlighted and trimmed again...

take that!

2007-05-30T22:46:00.000-04:00

satan strikes when we least expect...sometimes he kicks us when we are down, sometime he fights when we are on a high- sometimes, he knocks us off the ladder that we are steadily climbing...

whichever- he tried his hardest to shake me today....

sometimes it just sucks....plain out sucks!

but I'm blessed with friends who send me out-of-the-blue messages...who put beautiful words up they've written for me, who stop in to see me at work, who call me to check in, who tell me "you are not psychotic" or "you are not fat", who love me just as I am....

Thank God for such people...

so, satan, take that...i will not let you steal my joy...not now, not ever...

i will move forward

2007-05-29T21:41:00.001-04:00

i will move forward...\

I will hold my head high. I will walk with confidence and grace and spread my love and joy to all people, to each person that I come in contact with. I will move forward.

I will go to school and take courses that interest me and I will apply myself and make good grades. I will study and I will give my opinion to others because my opinion is worthy of being given.

I will move forward and continue my education because I can and because I want it, not because anyone else wants it for me and not because others think that you have to have an education to be smart, because and I am very intelligent and wise regardless of what education I have, but I will continue my education because I want to know more and because I want to be in that environment and learn all that I possibly can. I will work, not just becuase I need the money and not becuase having a job defines who I am, but because I want to work and I want to share who I am and the abilities I have with others. I want to work with others and share with them the knowledge that I've accumulated over these past few years. I will work, not focusing on the money, but instead focusing on what I can do in my job environment to spread love and joy and peace to those around me.

I will move forward.

I will stand tall as I walk along my way. I will roll my shoulders back and look ahead instead of looking at my feet. I will stand in confidence and grace for I am a woman- I am a tall, beautiful woman and I will represent that as I walk throughout life so that others will see me and notice my height and beauty and see that I have confidence and grace. I will not only display confidence but I will feel it within me- and others will see that as well. I will wear dresses and skirts with heels and I will wear blue jeans and tennis shoes and I will be the same person the entire time. I will be beautiful in whatever I wear because my beauty will not be just on the outside. I will let the beauty within me radiate around me and I will embrace that beauty and the beauty of others around me.

I will move forward. I will no longer let my past weigh me down. I will not focus on what numbers come on the scale or are printed on my jeans because they are not the definition of who I am as a woman. I will not believe the distortion that I may see in the mirror and when I walk by the mall window, with my hair flying in the wind, I will smile at who I am and who I've become. I will be the woman that God created me to be and no longer let the deception that may be thrown in my way become a hinderance to who I'm supposed to be.

I will move forward.

I will take the circumstances that I've faced and acknowledge them and learn from them, but I will not let them control every decision I make and limit what I do because they are just circumstances- not life deciding factors.

I will move forward. I will exercise and train my body because it is healthy and because it makes me feel good. I will run and i will walk, I will swim and I will jump- I will play sports becuase I want to and because it's fun, not because I feel that I have to. I will run and I will pray to the One who's given me strength to run and I will hold my head high as I run and I will allow myself to be a positive role model for others.

I will eat and I will nuture my body and I will take long hot bubble baths with lots of candles lit. I will paint my toenails and I will let my knees get dirty and I will pick up items on the floor with my toes because I can. I will ride down the road with the window down, my hair in the wind and one foot out the window singing to the radio at the top of my lungs because this is my life and it's the only life I have and I will live it to the fullest and no one can stop me from that because I know who my Creator is.

I will stay up all night talking to friends and I will sleep in late, I will go to bed at 9pm and wake up before the sun rises. I will walk on the beach digging my toes in the sand and I will climb mountains and camp in tents. I will drive in my car with no destination.

I will move forward. I will travel as much as I can, seeing all that is around me, and take pictures to share with others.

I will give others all that I have to give and I will smile as I do so because that's how I was created. I will stand up for what I believe in and fight for the rights and beliefs I have and I will not let someone else cause me to sway from those beliefs. i will be firm and loving and not back down from what I know is true. I will stand up for that which has saved me from death and I will share that knowledge with all that I can because it is my strength and stronghold and the reason I am alive.

I will move forward. I will laugh loudly and talk with excitement, and I will cry and scream. I will hug my teddy bears tightly and allow my tears to be caught by my blanket. I will run through fields of flowers and swing high into the clouds. I will feel the beat of my feet on concrete and I will carry children on my hips and back as well as rock them gently in my arms. I will feel the embrace of those I love and will embrace others who need my love. I will hold close that one I love, who was meant for me and we will complete each other's ministries.

I will trust that He will provide me with everything that I need and will not get caught up in the everyday worries because I know that my Savior will give me all I need because His grace is sufficient for me.

I will move forward...I will love me, for who I am, every inch of me, and I will embrace that me. I will love life and seek to live it to the fullest all while bringing glory to My Father in Heaven because He has given me this life.

I will move forward...I will no longer be caught in the past- I will move forward and accept life and embrace it because I've been blessed with this life. I will move forward. I will make mistakes and fall from time to time. I will scrape my hands and knees and cry at the losses I face, but I will not stay down. I will wipe off the dirt and pain and pick myself up and continue on with the life I've been given. I will hurt others and I will be hurt but never intentionally and I will correct the mistakes that I can and I will love with all I have in me.

I will give and give until I am tired and empty and then I will be given and refueled and go out and give again. I will move forward. I will no longer simply live- and instead with live with purpose and accept the life abundant that I have been promised from the One who has given it to me....

I WILL move forward.

my superficial dreams

2007-05-29T10:14:00.000-04:00

i don't know if i was SUPPOSED to go to work today- but I didn't get up and go...I did wake up in time and could have gotten up and got dressed and gone, but I didn't feel like it...i'm so glad to be done working there.

...plus, last night I had this superficial dreams....

okay, so I take a lot of pride in my smile and how it looks...and I had this dream that my teeth were rotted and falling out and that I had to get a retainer with fake teeth on it...i woke up terrified that my teeth weren't there!

then, I had this dream that I was shopping but couldn't find anything to wear or try on...maybe that is more of reality than a dream....

superficial?...

and I move forward

2007-05-28T21:37:00.000-04:00

Last week I met with my advisor at GSU and talked with him about what classes I needed to take, etc...found out that if I take at least 16 hours these next 3 major semesters, then I can graduate with my BS in Psychology in December of 08...so that is what I'm aiming for..it'll help too that I THINK I can take a few courses in the summer of 08 as well.....

the perfectionist in me fusses as how that is still a year and a half behind where i SHOULD be- that I'm still behind and will never catch up...but, the strong part of me knows that while I am behind, i have logical reasons and the break from school has been worth it...

Because I stand a little taller now- more knowing, stronger, wiser, healthier......

a *best sarcasm voice ever* "LOVELY" *end sarcasm* movie was on lifetime earlier today as I was cleaning my room and washing clothes. Yep, a movie over eating disorders...but I was captivated by it..and it's not the first time I've seen that movie- I've watched it so many times before...of course there was a part of me that remembers that part of me- who it used to be- but I know I cannot return to that...so I had a pep talk and took off for a run- praying- and for the first time I conquered that entire massive hill plus I ran my road and back in 18 minutes- a major feat for me...

I'm doing it- I'm living, moving forward..I dreamt last night of the progress I've made...and I'll be 22 in 3 days (Thursday)...22. I made it another year and am optimistic for many more to come....

And I move forward.......

I push every hinderance aside.....

......

i may not have it all figured out, but i am pressing forward with all i have in me

What I'll Miss Most

2007-05-21T19:36:00.000-04:00

This is what I'll miss when it's time to leave....such innocent, lovely children...

"Miss Sherri, look at me!!!"

perhaps the cutest thing I heard last night was KellyAnn's explanation of why she was sick:
"I hab pocketbooks on my twroat"

God Bless Them!!!

Bring On The Rain

2007-05-17T23:19:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, I feel I've come to a deadend road- and I no longer know what to do or say for people....

I have a few friends....and I feel I've hit this stump...like, I've shared all I can and I've prayed for them over and over...they need help- they need God's help- to lean on Him and trust in Him with fullness. It sucks that I cannot make that decision for them. Sometimes, I get so frustrated because I know and understand what they are going through, yet I know the relief and joy on the other side....

I suppose that's all a part of it...I know we can't always see the fruit of our labor- but I surely wish too...and I suppose it's harder because I invest so much and love these people so much.

ON the plus side though- i had a youth open up to me last night and while my heart breaks for her for the things she's encountered- I felt so blessed that she trusted and loved me enough to come to me..

we definately need rain...it is so dry...terribly dry..and hot! I went for a long run Wednesday and literally sweat what seemed to be a gallon! But it felt good...just running- pushing myself and my body further..my stamina is definately getting stronger!

bring on the rain, Lord....bring on the rain!

Eight More Days

2007-05-15T08:02:00.000-04:00

Waking up is getting harder and harder as we approach these last few days of school...This morning I was in a deep dream before realizing that my alarm was going off....

but on the plus side- the lunchroom had lucky charms...Lord forgive me, but I got one of the students to go get me several bowls to stash away so I'll have things to eat when I get hungry sitting in the classroom.

..today i get to go the dentist. Call me weird if you want, but I LOVE going to get my teeth cleaned!! I'm excited and stoked about it!!

Eight more days of this job....somewhat bittersweet. I'll really miss the kids and seeing them and having them come give me hugs, but I will not miss my "job" which does not challenge me in the least. I'm exctied that I'll be getting back into school- continuing my education...I'm ready to get that next degree and move on to my masters & doctorate...

phew....here we go...time to go "babysit" these kids!!!!

Blessings!!!

God is AmAzInG

2007-05-12T20:56:00.000-04:00

had the 2nd 5k today!! I don't know my time but I know it was a little shorter than that of my last 5k...it was amazing...

amazing....just plugged into the ipod- listening to praise and worship songs- praising the Lord for what He's done with me by giving me this new life...it feels great to go to a run such as that and know that i'm focusing on what I'm accomplishing rather than thinking of the calories that I'm burning..it's great to know that my body is becoming more fit and healthy and strong......

....now- just looking for the next one to enter...and planning what we are going to do for my birthday...possibly go to the Gulf...or the mountains....a road trip sounds NICE!!!!....

then- it's on to get my stuff moved & get situated with my sister so that I can get back into college.....

amazing.....God IS AMAZING!!!

fall at the feet of the One you love

2007-05-06T19:39:00.000-04:00

This weekend has been quite a struggle for me....one that I had uneasy feelings about from the moment I found out about it. Something within my heart just was not at rest...

I can honestly say I tried earlier on to get involved and I tried to do what I knew I could...but instead, I was opted out. So I set myself aside- leaving things off....

And things had a crash- a big bang- KABOOM!!!!

Tears were shed last night as I saw a part of a person that I didn't want to see...as I heard the words they spoke of me...then having to see them and them not even looking me in the eyes...goes to show that everyone- even those who say they'll always be there for you- will let you down from time to time and disappoint you......

I needed it...I needed a slap of reality so that I could see straight and set my mind and heart on those things God wants me to do....

This week, I'm going to work on using my voice and approach these people- let them know how I feel about the situation and how they handled it....

I went to the alter today after church- plugged on my ipod- and let the tears fall- writing what words I could- and clinging to Him with all I could- praying to feel His loving embrace. how beautiful it felt as I laid at the feet of the ONE I love.

upcoming decisions

2007-05-05T12:11:00.000-04:00

So I'm having some struggles with some decisions in my life...I've never been one who likes to make decisions and for the most part- I normally just go along with everyone else....

But I've come to a point where I can no longer "follow the crowd"s vote for me...I know I have to stand up for myself and do what is best for me...

And that means deciding to do something that is somewhat scary...I've grown so attached to the people here- at my church. Everyday, for the most part, I do the same thing over and over...I work and then spend time with people from my church. I do things that need to be done- whether it's babysitting or house cleaning or odds and ends...

but my heart has become unsettled in this routine. I've become restless to the point that it makes me physically sick to think of how I'm here...when there is so much more world to see. There are so many more things to do. I'm feeling confined and restricted the longer I stay here- and when I DO get out of town and do things and meet new people, I feel so uplifted only to come home and feel tight again.....

So I'm thinking of returning to college- perhaps go and live with my sister and take some courses. I'm unsure of what type of job I'd have, but I know I can get almost any job I want. The area isn't too large, but does have different things to do...and i know there are many lost people there...It's known to be a "party college"... the other day as I rode through- I was strucken with how God can use me admist people there. My story is one that is unlike so many others, yet can reach and relate to so many others...I want to share it. I want to get it out. I want to plant seeds and water others so that they may grow to love Christ as well...

So that's what I'm thinking of at the moment...I want to do it..but I fear it as well. fear is not of God...and I'm fighting that feeling.

We'll see what the future brings.....

I want...

2007-05-04T10:40:00.000-04:00

I want to be strong.
I want to stand tall and firm, to be rooted within myself.
I want to make decisions for myself and not be so easily influenced by the opinions of others.
I want to move forward, to grow and succeed.
I want to learn more.
I want to go to college and get as much education as possible.
I want to go to school and learn things I've never known, to study things that that interest me, to share my knowledge with others.
I want to take what I learn and apply it to life- to use what I know to help others.
I want to help others in every way I can so that they, too, can learn to be the person God created them to be.
I want to love- to spread kindness and joy- to show others a bit of the love I've been shown.
I want to travel- to see things I've never seen- to go places I've never gone.
I want to see what the rest of the world is like- to experience life in several different places.
I wnat to live- to truly live- to have fun without feeling guilty- to take time to slow down without thinking of all I need to do.
I want to spend time with those I enjoy being witn instead of hiding away in fear.
I want to be comfortable with who I am, whoever that may be.
I want to know who I am, who I really am in Christ, who I was created to be.
I want to love that me.
I want to honor and take care of that me.
I want to be confident in who I am and stand tall, walking with pride and self-worth.
I want to be a living representation of Christ.
I want to be free and be me.
I want to...
be silly
learn
fly
be fun
imagine
be healthy
be willing
try
live
be strong
be real
learn
saor
hope
be optimistic
cry
hope
be brave
go
wear pink
jump
jog
believe
scream
move
be loved
love
shop
sigh
be different
walk
be quiet
talk
travel
fun
stop
jog
be barefooted
be an advocate
be a woman
sing
be free
be me

Onion Run!!!

2007-04-28T20:16:00.000-04:00

I officially ran my first 5k today!! I am so stoked over it- knowing that I CAN do it!!!!

of course, I criticize myself for making it at 31 minutes...I believe I could have done better, but with my allergies flared up with sneezing and coughing up something that looks about like nickeloden "gak"...

I started off well and set a steady pace making the first minute in 8 minutes- then I began to feel the congestion in my chest and I tried coughin and clearin my throat but came to the 2 mile at 18 minutes- soon after, I had to stop to some lady on a golf cart and ask for kleenex...hahha....

regardless, I'm so happy- knowing that, yes, my body is getting in the best shape it's ever been, even though I still argue at the numbers on the scale...Never once in my life have I been able to say that I completed a 5k...I've always been a "walker"- but never a "runner"....

as I ran today- i thought of all those lost- of all who are consumed with addictions and mental disorders- those who believe the lies that Satan tells them...of those who have passed from such- for those in recovery- and for those who have made it to the other side...praising God at where He's brought me....

And the most amazing thing about the run?- the one who ran it with me- my little pistol- both of us, defying the odds- holding our heads high...a little ovre a year ago- no one would have thought us to still be alive- yet here we are- pushing through- embracing that which the Lord has created us to be...

....and another 5k in 2 weeks...between now and then I get to train- to build up a higher stamina...and to get over this sinus infection...I hope to come in around 29...maybe 28...

oh i'm SO excited!!!!!!

God Bless!!!

inadequacy

2007-04-25T23:52:00.000-04:00

the feelings of inadequacy are hitting me strongly today- as twice today people have pretty much stated that i'm not "good enough"....

and it hurts something awful to know that i can do and do and go and go and try my hardest but it's not enough...never enough...when I would just love someone to be able to tell me that i did a great job and it's "enough" for them....

it stirs up such feelings on why I'm even choosing the road I am.....

....and yes i'm frustrated with how my body is and fearful that when I run in the 5k this weekend that once again i won't be good enough....

bah hum bug I'm going to bed....

random 100

2007-04-20T20:50:00.000-04:00

so, I'm bored and filling out the "100 things you might not know about me"....copied from Will.

1. I was born in Dublin- not the country, the town.
2. I was meant to be named Sheila, but turns out that was my cousin's name.
3. I believe and trust in Jesus Christ as my Savior.
4. I have a slight case of insomnia.
5. But I do not like to have to take medicines, so I don't take what I'm supposed to in order to sleep!...oops.
6. I live with Mama & Daddy...
7. But I've moved out twice before.
8. And each time I moved home by force from my parents.
9. secretly, I always wanted to try out for cheerleading because I enjoy cheering for people.
10. I thoroughly enjoy working with those with mental, physical, & emotional disabilities.
11. I graduated 3rd of my class- but will argue that I should have been number 2.
12. I prefer the mountains over the beach.
13. I enjoy sitting and listening to older people tell me about their lives & what it was like back in the ol' days.
14. I sleep with lots of stuffed animals & blankies because I like to feel something close to me for comfort.
15. I bite my nails- especially when I'm anxious.
16. Driving doesn't bother me as long as I have my music.
17. Daddy has big dreams of me one day singing in Nashville.
18. I have dreams of me acting or speaking in front of many.
19. Africa & China are the 2 top countries I feel called to go to for some type of mission
20. I want to spend time in orphanages oversea.
21. Only 2 relationships where I was labeled "girlfriend"- 7th grade & 1st year of college.
22. I worked at Piggly Wiggly.
23. Mike and Ike rock my socks
24. I prefer to buy yogurt & freeze it myself over frozen yogurt or icecream.
25. Apples make my world go round!
26. Sweatpants & old, worn-in tshirts are the best to hang around in.
27. I can be girly-girly & be all dressed up- but being barefooted makes me happiest.
28. I think my eyes are my best physical feature.
29. in 6th grade a girl hit me but I didn't hit her back.
30. In 4th grade, I fell off a ball & passed out & all the kids thought I died.
31. I like to be outdoors.
32. I hope to one day have a farm with cows & horses & my own garden
33. I twirl my hair.
34. i dislike the stereotypes of "religion" & prefer to call mine a relationship.
35. Weakness of mine in the want to be held.
36. Stickers make me happy!
37. I like to color & doodle & draw.
38. I developed a love of coffee while in a hospital.
39. I want to grow my hair long enough to donate it.
40. I have worked for a lawyer & know how to do a title search & type deeds & loans.
41. I value friendships & hurt when they dwindle.
42. I have low confidence, but am trying to bring it up.
43. I don't like snakes- PERIOD
44. Puppies & kitties make me smile!
45. I cherish the small things in life.
46. I have nightmares a lot, and can often recall dreams
47. I started babysitting when I was almost 10.
48. I am a people pleaser.
49. I hurt over things I've done to others & myself in the past.
50. I want to be an advocate for kids & women- especially those hurting & abused.
51. I like to take pictures, and find many opportunties to take them!
52. Sometimes, I don't eat like I should because I won't buy the food because I say I haven't got the money.
53. I have a hard time asking people for help.
54. I have a harder time trusting people.
55. I want to go rock climbing.
56. I've never camped out completely, and I long to!
57. I want an RV so I can go to every state.
58. I taught myself how to play piano...but i'm not great at it.
59. I've played trumpet since I was in 5th grade & could have easily gotten a scholarship to major in music.
60. I like to cheer people up.
61. Sending & receiving letters in the mail is more special to me than texting or email.
62. I used to get myself to sleep by synching my breathing with Daddy's snoring.
63. Deep down, I'm shy, but I've taught myself how to be social.
64. Needles make me faint.
65. I wish I still had a giant tree in my yard that i could climb.
66. I pray that God WILL bless me with a loving husband & children- of my own or adopted.
67. Quilts that my Granny made are special & cannot have a price.
68. I miss my Grandpa & hearing him say, "you ain't worth a quarter."
69. Lots of times, I still feel like a kid, & think that's kept me alive.
70. Sitting "Like a lady" annoys me.
71. I prop one leg up when I drive.
72. Subway is my favorite fast food place to stop.
73. Making jokes and laughing is something I enjoy doing.
74. I hope to help in non-profit organizations to help others.
75. I don't care much where I end up living years from now as long as I'm with people I love & who love me.
76. I am pidgeon-toed and have a hard time skiing because of that.
77. I enjoy cleaning up, but cannot keep my own room clean while living at home.
78. Snuggling is lots of fun.
79. I pop several of my bones.
80. I am clumsy & in the last year, have broken or fractured bones in my feet just by walking.
81. I used to say my Daddy was my hero!!!
82. Both of my Grandmothers (Grandma & Granny) came from very poor families.
83. Home grown food is the best.
84. I've had 3 dogs in my lifetime.
85. Kids are the light of my life.
86. I want to know more, to learn more, to experience more.
87. I am still no 26.4kbps dial up.
88. I take pride in my teeth & really enjoy smiling.
89. I long to tell others about Jesus & what He's done for me & what He can do for them.
90. I believe God can bring good & get glory from every circumstance- even the toughest & roughest ones.
91. Growing up, I watched The Wizard of Oz, The Little Mermaid, & Ferris Bueller's Day Off so many times that I ruined the tapes.
92. Colored socks make me happy.
93. New Balance are my preference for sneakers to be outdoors or exercising in.
94. There's nothing like having someone play with my hair or rub my back!
95. Deep down, I feel I'm finally ready to find that one I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with.
96. Collaging is a great release for me- as is journaling & writing.
97. I want to be at that point where I can fully forgive those who have hurt me.
98. I wrecked Daddy's truck in 11th grade, but still feel it wasn't my fault.
99. i have many funny stories about living in the country with varmints
100. This has been really hard for me to fill out- but at least it took up some time of my insomniac life..........

blessings & love!

ALL things

2007-04-19T22:02:00.001-04:00

last day of testing for this week, praise the Lord....yesterday, as the day progressed, my "allergies" got worse & by time for church, I could hardly speak...as I got up to sing and dance for the kiddies, I turned to the minister of Youth said "God is going to allow me to sing these songs, but after that my voice will give out."

I was right...ever since, I've sounded like a man-frog...I've sneezed and coughed and blew my nose....and it's pitiful...I can't stand to be sick with allergies or sinuses because there's only so much you can do- and I just keep PRAYING that it doesn't become an infection or anything because I haven't the money or time to go see a doctor...

other than that- busy busy me...but i wonder could I even survive withOUT being busy? I can't imagine being still for too long- and I know that's a struggle in my faith...I know that many times, God just calls to me saying "Be still!!! Know that I Am Lord God Almighty..."

2 options for next weekend....either participate in a 5k- or go to the Invisible Children- Displace Me that will be upstate....

I watched Facing The Giants just earlier....really good movie....makes me realize how often I am the one who determines WHAT God will do because I place limits on Him....so often, I pray for rain yet do not prepare the fields expecting rain will come...But with Him, ALL things are possible....

...all things.....ALL things....how scary that can seem......

and here I am- falling asleep at the computer because this is the first night I can get to bed at a decent hour....think I will do that...

You are Missin out!!!

2007-04-17T22:41:00.002-04:00

CRCT- children reading crappy things.....

that's what is going on this week at school...and next week...

and I'm "blessed" to be in a class where the children have the test read to them- in there with my preacher- and some kids that literally have me rolling on the floor laughing at times....

so this is the scene:
Kids- who do NOT want to take this test- sitting in desks- snacking on the lemonheads that we got them because we were told lemon smells & tastes enhance the senses and make you smarter...mind you it is 6 boys who constantly crack on each other, all of which who would rather be sleeping
Coworker/preacher- who is hilarious and can roll a joke off the top of his head, over there with his load of vitamins & "herbal-natural-energy-electrolyte-whatever" drink playin with 3 foam dice
and me- young parapro, hyper after having 32 ounces of coffee and an energy drink, lookin up goofy pictures on the internet inbetween monitering......

does this make you get a little worried?....yeh.....probably would worry me too......too bad you aren't a fly on the wall in THAT class!!!!!

Breaking heart

2007-04-15T22:31:00.000-04:00

my heart is breaking tonight as I sit here- searching all I can to see if there is anything, I as a concerned citizen- as a loving sister, can do...

a dear friend of mine came to me tonight to update me on how she is doing....not well...a few months ago she landed herself in the ER in need of over 60 stitches, and just this past week, she had a terrible fight with a hammer- leaving bruises covering so much of her body....and I wanted to just hold her- to shake her- to do SOMETHING...to let her know that there IS another way out....

and other, a few hours away, sits in her room, night after night, terrified at what may come in her dreams...she walks on eggshells and is always on alert- scared of what the day will bring and what thoughts and images and memories will rush through her mind....memories of the abuse and hurts....and daily she tries to fight the demons that haunt her and tell her to do this or that- all the while not knowing how to truly give it over to a God who "loves" yet "let her" go through such....

and yet another which openly told me of their struggles with eating and weight and depression...how she is scared to tell anyone- and embarressed at what she does....not wanting to get help because of the fear of gaining weight and being "fat"....unsure of what to do from this point on but knowing, deep down, that it is not what God wants her to do...

and it's hard for me as I have to sit back and watch because there is nothing I can do that can make any of them get help...I can't take them into the hospital for help or sit with them 24/7, though I often wish i could...I can't solve the problems or take them away- though if I could, I surely would.....I can only love on them & pray for them...Pray to the God who heard my prayers....Pray for Him to break them down as He did me....pray for Him to get them to a point where they know that without Him, there is nothing they can do to overcome these issues...Pray to the God who took my similar wounds and bound them up, healing me and protecting me....guarding my sleep and helping heal the emotional wounds...showing me the beauty I possessed and revealing to me the womanly body that He designed for me......The God who is transforming me from like areas into the Beautiful Daughter I am meant to be....

but still it's hard.....and still it breaks my heart....please pray for these 3 beautiful women- that God bring them to a point where they realize that there is so much more to life than what they are experiencing.....

xoxo

unexpected directions

2007-04-13T13:34:00.002-04:00

Last night was a late night as I couldn't fall asleep or get tired...my energy level was through the roof, but I knew I needed some rest time if I intended on surviving today with the middle schoolers...

My alarm starting sounding at 445am...blah...nevertheless I got up and attempted to get moving...opted for the curly-hair-messy-ponytail look...got all my stuff together and left my sister's house about 6am...

I'd had my usual 32 oz of coffee by the time i got off the interstate and thought "well, I want more...." so I stopped at the flash foods, that in all honesty, I despise because of their unsanitary bathroom, and proceeded to get my coffee with several packs of splenda.....and I passed by two men, who looked as if they haven't had the best of luck over the years...i'm not sure if they even knew each other or whatever....but as I walked over to stock up on Smarties, my heart wept...and I knew what I had to do....

I paid for my things, with them in line behind me, then just stood there...I started to walk out but just turning from them made me nauseous....

so I paid for their things & gas...not a whole tank of gas because he didn't get that much, but I paid for whatever each bought, told them it was a gift from God and to just accept it as that....

and it made me feel so much better....as I got in my car, jamming to my praise & worship....

did i really have the money to just randomly do such? no....but i know that God will bless it and I pray they pass it on.....

We are called to be servants....to serve others and place them ahead of us...JOY- Jesus first, others second, yourself last....
....what a joy responding to that simple direction from God has brought me today...

weekly thang

2007-04-12T21:19:00.000-04:00

had that hour and a half drive today- regardless of how exhausted I was...I opted to fill my belly & bladder with lots of coffee- much of the way driving while bouncing and singing "I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go right now"...

but alas, I made it...lots of consideration about how my relationship with my parents is at the moment....how I love them dearly, I'd give my life for them as they would me, but how, at the same time, we don't have that "buddy-buddy" relationship...we aren't so close that I run to them with my problems or questions, wants or wishes....but that doesnt mean I love them any less.....and as for how they've responded to me in the past- I completely understand that they reacted in the way they did because of the circumstances they were under....and having the problems they were facing....and I forgive them for that, and am learning to embrace the way things DID happen and allow God to use that for HIS glory- to reach others.....all at the same time, I'm able admit that it did hurt, that it does hurt.....

phew......and I'm thinking more and more about moving out....realizing that i've done about all the growing that i'm going to do in that town....I love the people there- but they are the only reason why i stay....I long to get my education, to move forward with my life...to be that "woman" God's created me to be........and at the same time, it's terribly frightening...what if I stumble? what if I fail? what if I end up back at square one?.....

I know it's that "leap of faith"- it's me stepping out into the water, whereas right now I'm just standing at the side of the boat yelling out to Christ, "Are you SURE you are SURE?!!!"

.......just that weekly thang.......early morning tomorrow- and long weekend ahead....

sitting on the dock of the bay

2007-04-09T10:06:00.000-04:00

sitting at work...bored outta my mind...This morning as my alram went off, I struggled with what day it was and WHY I was even getting up....

I love the kids, don't get me wrong there, but I really am not satisfied with the job...I feel like I don't have enough to do- and I'm bound by these walls to sit and listen to teachers try to explain a lesson to many students who don't care to know...Other than insurance, FCA and these kids' lost souls are the only reasons why I am still here.... I'd much rather be back in the daycare or at the Goodwill Center....or in a place where I can talk more with the kid- as in counseling....

blllllaaaaahhhhh....the sun is so pretty out and my heart longs to be outdoors, walking, smelling the fresh air....i could be running or washing my car or playing with the dogs or working in the garden or SOMETHING!!!!....but, alas,....here I sit......with fluorescent lights, ivory walls, and white tile floors....

God, what are you teaching me through this?...and If I'm NOT meant to be here, where should I be?...show me what You want me to do..

Why the eagle?

2007-04-07T11:22:00.000-04:00

so, I know some people wonder why I often use phrases like "soar" or "fly", or whY I talk about flying on wings of an eagle...

I don't quite remember when I adopted the "flying" theme because i've not yet even been on a plane....but I have always adored the thought of being a bird...I think this desire came in my very early years. I can remember climbing the tall magnolia tree that was next to my house- singing "Over The Rainbow", envisioning that I was Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz...

More than anything, I wanted to fly far, leaving this world and all I was facing behind me...and as I grew, that song stuck with me. As I taught myself how to play piano, I also discovered the song "His Eye Is On The Sparrow" and "I'll Fly Away". I knew that if God could take care of the birds and give them all they needed, that surely, He could provide for me as well.

Isaiah 40:31 became my staple verse- ever reminding me that as long as I believed and hoped, that I, too, would one day fly.

I suppose all of those factors really pulled together in November of 2005...call it a "rough" time in my life. I can remember bits and peices of that night- the night my heart, physically & emotionally, showed how weak it had gotten. As I laid in ICU, four hours from home, crying and wishing that I could just give up, having the nurses rush in and out because of the constant beeping of my moniters....such sweet angels they were- 2 believers- allowing my friends to stay with me the entire night......but I was tired...i was spent...my whole body squirmed in pain and I didn't have the tears to shed- and that's when my angel friend asked me-

"Sherri, what is your favorite hymn?..."

and she began to sing the words- so beautifully- and I saw my angels in that room...I shall never forget the comfort I was brought in those moments as God allowed me to sleep for a while...

His eye is on the sparrow- and I know He watches me.

"flying" was what saved me...and months later, as I stayed at Ridgeview, flying- as birds and butterflies, once again, was the theme...I'd not told them of how I always sang "over the rainbow" but as I left, my favorite nurse wrote to me "I wish you bluebirds".....

So, flying, eagles, butterflies, birds....those are my motifs....it's what has kept me going...remembering that I WILL soar with Christ....that all I have to do, is give Him my life- and soar under His guidance....

"I sing because I'm happy. I sing because I'm free. For His eye, is on the sparrow- and I know He watches me."

Recovery

2007-04-06T19:35:00.000-04:00

Figured I'd start a "blog" or whatever these things are because it seems so many people have them....and I figured I'd put some of my writings in here....new and old...
the Recovery poem below was something I wrote back in Octoberish. It was then put on a quilt with several other poems, collages, drawings, and pictures of what recovery is to several other women who have been in the Ridgeview Women's Center....hopefully I will be able to get the picture uploaded so you can see the beauty of it.....this quilt was auctioned at the EDIN Gala and Ridgeview purchased it....from what I hear, it now hangs on display in the women's center.....how privileged I feel to be part of that.....

What does it mean for me to recover?
Recovery for me will be an opening to the life I’ve longed to have.
To be able to stand tall & feel loved despite the abuse & hurts I’ve faced.
To be able to socialize without fear that I’m incapable, ignorant, or will be rejected.

I’ll mean I can enjoy the company of others

without panicking over what negative things they may think of me.

To recover, for me, is to be able to say no

And mean it

And have others know that I mean it as well.

It’ll give me confidence to eat & exercise normally

without fearing that I am or will become fat.

I’ll accept my body for the structure God has made it to be

And I’ll honor it & take care of it…

Every inch & womanly shape of it.

I won’t count every pound & calorie

And I won’t feel guilty when I treat myself.

Working out will not be focused on how many calories I can burn,

But will be a fun release & time to meditate.

I won’t flinch when others touch me.

I’ll be able to see that not all people are set out to hurt & abuse me.

I’ll be able to see the world in the eyes of Christ.

I won’t tire so easily

And I’ll have more energy to devote to Him and doing His service.

The sound of voices raised & anger won’t send me into a panic attack

And sexual talk will not make me return to the age of five.

I’ll spend my time with people I love doing things I love.

I’ll be able to express every emotion I feel-

Whether it be happiness, sadness, anger, hurt, fear, anxiety, or love

And I’ll express them in a healthy way.

I won’t shake & tremble & stutter when I’m uncomfortable

And I won’t freeze or dissociate when I’m distressed.

I will be able to state what’s going on in my mind.

I won’t be up at all hours of the night obsessing over food, weight, fears, & flashbacks.

I’ll treat myself because I deserve it

And I’ll ask for help when I need it…

But most of all…

Recovery for me means that I’ll finally feel the love others have for me

And I’ll love them in the way I long to

And I’ll love myself for who I am-

As God created me-

As Sherri

His precious, beautiful, daughter, princess…

Because I am beautiful and captivating and special and precious

And because I am loved…

That’s what recovery is to me…