July 2011....Made the decision to fnally coming off SSRIs....
October 16, 2011...today I lay here- the 5th consecutive day with no SSRI in my system....It has taken since July to slowly lower my dosage, as not to send my body into complete shock from the lack of the SSRI and throw me into extreme SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome....
Way back in 2004 when the doctor first tried me on Zoloft, I was not warned of any Discontinuation Syndrome... I vaguely remember taking the medication for 2- maybe 3 months then stopping cold turkey and coming down with what I thought was the flu. I felt horrible.....however, I was already so mentally unstable, already incredibly depressed and anxious that I cannot recall feeling the overwhelming sense of emotions, as I am now...
It was November 2005 before doctors would put me back on a SSRI....oh, that November...I'll never forget....how could I?...The ambulance ride. The long night and day in ICU. The ride in the back of the police car. The admission to a mental institute.. Being declared mentally unstable- a threat to myself... The state of Georgia calls it a 1013- a psychological code stating the person is unable is either a physical threat to themselves or to others..
I never said I was suicidal. I never said I wanted to hurt someone else. On the contrary- I felt I was doing well- just some back pain....
Yet there I was, in a Mental Institute- held against my will- for a 72 hour observation.... And I agreed to the SSRI- that was all I agreed to...
After those few days there, I agreed to stay on an SSRI- only because I knew it would keep people off my case. Maybe if I took this pill- it would cure me, make me better....or so they thought at least...
Months later- in the second mental hospital- this one by my choice- doctors tried to put me on more medication- antipsychotics- to "deal" with the anxiety... Dealing with the anxiety by means of the medicine meant that I would sleep- i would become a walking zombie- IF they could get me to walk. I knew that was not the route I wanted to take.... I wanted as little medication as possible- I wanted to be able to feel the emotions- so that I could work through things.....
It took a few months, and trying Zoloft, Paxil, and Prozac in various dosages before I told the doctor I was tired of trying medicines that did not seem to work....I gave him one last chance- as I was tired of trying and truly wanted to "quit" recovery- and thus began my relationship with Effexor XR..
I admit- after about a month- the therapist began to notice that I was doing "better"....and looking back- it gave me the jumpstart that I needed in order to be able to talk in therapy. It helped ease the anxiety just enough that I could speak in therapy- but not so much that I didn't feel anything. Oh I felt all right! Those first few months of therapy consisted of me sitting on that couch- crying- or hiding in a tight ball whispering for her to please not look at me....
Oh---...I was so sick....I was hurting so......
and yet, here I am today.....coming off this medicine....I'm not that same little girl anymore. I'm not depressed or anxious....do I sometimes feel depressed or anxious? yes- it just doesn't consume me......
and all these floods of emotions are hitting me...I'm telling myself- rightfully so! Here I am, coming off a medication that I've been on for almost 6 years. Forget the fact that there is a such thing as Discontinuation Syndrome & that most all people who come off this medication go through very similar reactions- I'm taking a huge step in acknowledging that I am in recovery....that I don't need the medicine. I've more coping skills and ways to handle things today than ever before....
and here I am, coming off this medication, right as I finish graduate school, right as I take my NCE for licensure- right as I accept a job in the counseling field....right as I have huge things happening my life...of course I'm going to be emotional- I'd be emotional if I were still taking the medication as usual.......
I'm just uber emotional- and have been the past 5 days, because of the medication....not to mention exhausted, drained, icky feeling....I've wanted nothing more than to lay in bed and "sleep it off".... Even as I type- I feel dizzy- like the computer is moving back and forth---a pressure in the back of my head I cannot explain.
the littlest things---oh my. I missed my exit the other day, which put me a few minutes late meeting my husband and I burst into tears. We went out to eat and had to wait- during which time more people came in and bribed the hostess (we saw the money exchange) and I got so mad I was ready to throw a fit! I bought a drink today (because I wanted the crushed ice) and got in my jeep only to realize the cup had a hole in it and started to cry- then 15 minutes later had severe road rage at a lady who sped around me as I was trying to park....
Just a little emotional....and it has to subside. I read up on it before my doctor & I started to decrease my medication- as I wanted to have the least side effects as possible- so I know that usually after 2 weeks, things go back to normal... Most people who try to stop taking SSRI think that the emotions are the Depression/Anxiety coming back- when in fact, it would take a month or more before signs of depression or anxiety truly returned. This is why most people try to stop taking the medications, freak out, then get back on the medication. Me- I want to get off the medication- for good. I know it works- I know if i ever get truly, severely depressed/anxious again, that I can get on medication- however, I also know that I have numerous ways in which to handle that depression and anxiety. Honestly- I don't ever want to be on this medicine again because I never want to feel this again. ....I'd rather feel the emotions and have to deal with them....Crying never hurt me....and a little anger and frustration can actually help me learn to express myself......
i can truly say----i never thought i'd see this day...thought I'd be on medication for my "mental illness" my entire life...I mean- that IS what those doctors said- that I had a small chance of "getting better"- that I would need medication probably for the rest of my life...that my prognosis was poor....
October 16, 2011....5 days without any SSRI....
and I continue to prove them wrong.....
1 comments:
i love you. you know how i feel about medication. <3 you are amazing and i believe in you - always.
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