It seems that the past few months, the only writing I've engaged in have been papers- essays and research- all for my graduate program...

I miss writing...

I miss being able to pour out my heart and soul onto paper- or onto the blog...I miss releasing that which I hold in day after day.

A part of me fears my ability to use written words is slowly dying - or fading away- as I continue in recovery.

It's almost as if before, I was unable to use my physical voice. I couldn't say what I felt or thought- I couldn't use my physical voice to express my soul...and slowly, as I've learned how to speak, I wrote less and less....

I don't want to lose my written words...It is a part of me. Paper and pen held my power and strength- it allowed me to take a stand against the world- to convey that which played in my head over and over again. It allowed me to declare to others "I am NOT okay!"

Today...I'm okay- not perfect, not awful. Actually, I'm pretty good considering where I have been before and the depths I have seen... Despite all the odds, I continue to strive and grow and learn... When I face mountains in the road, I find a way to climb over or go around...

Thanksgiving and Christmas were a bit difficult, yet I still managed to stay a step ahead of the depression and eating disorder....

He was there....for the first time since 2005, I saw him.. Briefly on Thanksgiving, as we made a get-away before I had to actually converse with him. Christmas- not such luck. I saw him as we drove up to be with family- and I felt the sickness all over again in my stomach. My insides twisted and turned- and the voices started all over again. I felt the tears and the fear all over again...even as I write, I feel tears starting to form and the hard knot in my chest. I wanted to run and hide- I wanted to find a safe place and hug myself tight- to close myself out from the world. I felt like a child all over again- scared, afraid- knowing that i was tainted, used- that I was the bad little girl.

And I knew it was expected of me to keep the peace. That I was supposed to walk in and act as if nothing had ever happened...I was supposed to be the "sweet little girl", the perfect one.

I'm sad to say, I played the part- again. I played the role that I had played for so many years. Silly sweet me- the baby of the family...

I cringed as he came to give me a hug...the anxiety filled my every cell and I wanted to escape- to dissociate into a void...perhaps for moments I did...All that kept me grounded was having my Fiance by my side- yet even still, I did not feel safe.

He hugged me and told me I looked good.

..."look good"...my full, womanly body of curves..my wide hips that serve as a mating call...my breasts that attract nursing babies...my rump that gives me much cushion..

I wanted my emaciated body back...I wanted to be unattractive...I wanted my legs to be bones- for my shape to be straight. I wanted to be the size of a child who's not reached puberty...I wanted to run behind my mother's leg and hide myself....I wanted to retreat back into the comfort of my eating disorder...

I made it through the day---and I didn't act out...I suppose that's a success...But I still thought about it and wanted it...I just knew that it was no longer an option. I knew that going back would never solve the problem and that going back would mean losing all I have fought so hard to earn...

I admit my body awareness has been high as of late...the stress of the holidays, school, work, and the upcoming wedding leads me to focus a bit more on my flaws than on what I actually need to be doing to get things done. I admit I find many flaws in my body that I wish were a quick fix--almost that I could restrict to lose the added weight...yet I know I have to continue the road of recovery...if I want to shape up or lose any weight, I have to eat healthy and exercise in moderation and pray that my body has mercy on me....I cannot resort to extremes, as I get addicted to the extremes and forget how to find a way out.. So while many are making extreme resolutions to lose x amount of weight, I have to accept that I can only be the healthiest I can be and be happy with that....a feat that isn't always easy- but I know will be worth it in the long haul.

in other news-

I am about to begin a very hectic-crazy quarter...I will be interning at a mental hospital around 15 hours a week, working 40 hours a week, going to school 10 hours a week, and planning a wedding...don't ask me what I was thinking or when I'm going to sleep or how I'm going to survive...All I know is that I will make it through- it's what I do...

I'm a survivor...I push through the obstacles and overcome what I face.