I'll never stop trying to help others....it's a part of my life now....always looking for ways to make the world a better place...always looking to understand the disorders that took so many years of my life---that shaped me into who I am today...

recently my friend, slash that--my SISTER in recovery, Shannon, referenced to me on her flickr account ...I wept as I read the words and was taken back to those moments at Ridgeview...a month in a treatment center---wondering how I'd landed myself...knowing I needed recovery- but uncertain if I was truly ready....unsure if I wanted it badly enough...To those who do not unverstand mental illness, I cannot explain what it provides the "sick" person...I was dying, from the inside out, losing relationships, losing life---yet at the same time, I was alive and comforted in my disorder. It gave me strength to make it through the day....A therapist once said to me, "Sherri- your eating disorder is your life raft and it's slowly sinking.." She went on to describe that I was clinging to this raft that was sinking because I was caught in a vicious river...that I would let go of my raft and swim a bit, but would go back to my raft and each time I grabbed back to my raft, it would sink a little more...It was killing me- but also keeping me alive. I needed my eating disorder, I needed the depression and PTSD in order to live in the world. I had no other way of living but to cling to rafts that would only keep me afloat for a bit....
I needed my sickness....had it not been there- perhaps I would have drown...perhaps the thoughts of suicide would have taken me completely under...I look back at my eating disorder- at all my sickness- with much appreciation....without it, I know, with perfect fact, that I would not be where I am today...

Today, I sit in the public library- researching eating disorders for my research class. I have to write a paper---propose a study. Millions of topics in the psychology world that I could study---and I'm brought back to what brought me here.... I'm a rare statistic...
Recently I looked back at my intake and release forms from Ridgeview...
as I checked in- my GAF score was a 20....as I released- 40 with the words "poor prognosis". The doctors felt I would be back in treatment - that I would need several bouts of inpatient treatment before I would begin recovery...in fact, many of my friends that I met in treatment have been back- several times...some---still not in recovery.... Yet 4.5 years later, I have my bachelor's degree in Psychology and am working on my Masters in Professional Counseling. Turning what I've learned, what I've experienced, what almost killed me, into ways to help others....

My eating disorder, the depression, the abuse----it doesn't define me anymore...and I've since learned that it no longer provides me with the comfort---it no longer serves the purpose of helping me stay afloat in the world...when I attempt to cling to it today- water gushes in my lungs and I'm taken over by the waves and the current..it no longer saves my life---and I can guarantee you, if I truly went back to it- it would take my life...instead I have other ways to coping and dealing with the world....However, it's never far from me. I have reminders throughout the day of what I've been through...my achilles heel---my soft spot...any time I look at my rich, red cheeks and full bright eyes, knowing they were once sunken; any time I see other girls, clearly struggling with that which was once my life; everytime I have aches and pains or medical issues, swallowing that fact that I abused this body for a long time and probably caused damage; everyday I look into the eyes of my loving fiancee who tells me he thinks I'm beautiful....every moment I put a morsel of food in my mouth.....I'll never forget...I don't want to forget....I want to help....I want to carry the message forward and continue living.

so here I sit---working on research for what can assist those to recover with eating disorders....

it's my duty....I lived so that I can carry hope for future generations....and I'll never stop trying