something about lifetime movies get me....everytime..
I remember watching this movie years ago----thinking to myself, "..I must not have an eating disorder because I'm not her size..." I'd watch movies on Eating disorders and convince myself that I wasn't like that---that I wasn't that sick....
....and then I ended up in ICU, attached to heart monitors, listening to the nurses whisper, hearing the doctor tell me I was going to die......
This movie now makes me cry. How sick I was to be so blind- not realizing how sick I was, letting it get to where it did, hurting so many people, almost killing myself along the way...
Today, it almost seems like a bad dream---light years away. Sometimes I wonder if it all really happened....was I really that sick?....was it real?
and it was....It was real. I drew near death, I clung to death, I wanted death....and I'm living to tell the tale...
I know what it's like to taste death...I know what it's like to hate everything about myself---to feel out of control, overwhelmed, overtaken by life. I know what it's like to barely cling to life, to debate in my head over and over about whether or not life is even worth it....
Even to type it still sends chills down my spine---to see where my life is today----how happy, how joyful, how wonderful I feel and still cling to the truth that life hasn't always been this way...
It makes me sad, knowing the road I've traveled....yet also makes me feel extremely blessed to know that I'm one of the few statistics....I'm one of the few in active, healthy recovery....
the eating disorder will always be a part of who I am...It still creeps in at times and tries to take my joy----I've gotten better at noticing it and standing strong in who I am. the memories will always be there....I cannot go back, nor would I......as hard, as awful, as scary as it all was, that time of my life has shaped me into the woman I am today...........
sometimes i just have to remind myself of the past...to pause and remember, to reflect over what has gotten me to where I am today....
I'm a survivor....and that's not a cliche, nor am I saying it in the weak meaning of the word...I am a true survivor---of abuse, of an eating disorder, of near death.....
i challenge people to watch this movie and to reflect on those in their lives who suffer from mental disorders-- especially eating disorders....and to do all they can to get the awareness out, to fight, to stand for recovery and health.....
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