it's near that time

have i mentioned that I am dating BY FAR the sweetest person I have EVER met?...seriously...I mean it. Take this example:
I had my surgery 2 weeks ago today. Last weekend was rainy...and I'm on crutches...mind you- i'm getting VERY good on those crutches...but i'm no crutches. Did you know that I'm a very self-sufficient person? did you know that i cannot STAND to ask for help? So what does my awesome-humorous God do? He brings me to a place where i HAVE to ask for help!
SO- last weekend---it'd been a week since I had had my surgery. I had stopped taking pain pills after the 3rd day because I wanted to be able to drive (i'm driving with my left foot btw). It was rainy all weekend, when I went to the mall with a friend it was crowded and NOT wheel-chair or crutch friendly, I couldn't get to the kitchen to get a drink or something to eat without near falling from the crutches or putting weight on my leg (which really hurts to do)...add to that the fact that I was about to start my monthly cycle so I was irritable and emotional (you really wanted to know that, didn't you?)...
Anyway---so that's the scenario. And I was trying to get dressed to go have supper with my boyfriend's family:......
and I lost it...I started to tear up and couldn't stop them...but I quickly choked them down...we went to dinner, came back home- and I REALLY lost it. I mean- sobbing, unable to catch my breath, snot everywhere, crying...
and what did my loving boyfriend do?

he held me....he took me in his arms, told me he loved me, and validated my crying. He said I had reason to cry because of the pain and frustration and that I could cry as long as I wanted to. He would capture my tears and kissed my tear-stained face and told me again and again that he loved me....

I have the best boyfriend ever- seriously. He knew just what I needed in that moment of the meltdown...

Gosh...I---I just don't even know how to word the love I have for this man... I've never loved someone deeply or cared for someone the way i care for him...and the way he accepts me- the way he takes in all that I've been through- all that has affected me...the way he listens patiently and accepts me for who I am. The way he knows just what I need when I need it- the way he cares for me- getting up in the middle of the night to ensure that I don't fall as I make my way to the bathroom on crutches in the dark...the way he's so giving and willingly to make sacrifices in his life for me...the way he loves me- loves me...when I look in his eyes, when he holds me close- when i'm with him- i know I'm loved- I know I'm safe...I am complete with him.......

I know I'm gushing...I tend to do that when I talk about him- I simply have to! He is so loving and caring- I just want everyone to know that I have found the most amazing man for me.

.......Who would have guessed years ago that God would have placed us together----from 2 different worlds- coming to make a world together...I am SO blessed.

I LOVE THIS MAN!!!!

Long time since I last posted....so here's the quickest update:

I am still nannying sweet, baby Emma. She makes my day bright with her beautiful smile and funny noises.

I'm in graduate school for my Professional Counseling masters degree. So far, I've had amazing grades and I am LOVING it! My professors are amazing....one is actually the Counselor of the eating disorder group I'm in- so she knows me and has been mega supportive of me being back in school.

A few months ago, I finally reached my breaking point with my knee and went to the doctor. At first the doctor thought my knee might heal on my on---but my boss- the ER doctor- suggested I see an orthopedist. After 5 weeks of being on crutches (via the first doc), then 6 weeks of physical therapy to get full movement and strength back in my knee (via the orthopedist)- Thursday, Dec 3, I had surgery.

Come to find out, I had an abnormal growth on my meniscus. The doc said sometimes during development it will continue to grow- which mine must have- and then will cause problems later in life. He cut this part of my meniscus out and then repaired a tear that I have. Currently, my knee is wrapped and hurts and itches and I really want to take off the dressing but I have to wait til monday!!!

So- for the record- Mama says I am not one to take drugs easily. I fought the anesthesia and wanted to get up---the nurses said I kept asking "can I run now?"---guess that shows you what I REALLY want to do! The medication mixed with the pain made me very weak and puny--there were a few blackouts and near faints- but luckily I've had people helping me out. Mama stayed with me the day of---she said I was funny on the meds- very talkative and didn't make sense!

and Paul has been taking care of me since. He has been so sweet! He even washed my hair because I felt so grimy!

Today I'm feeling SO much better. I think it's the first day I haven't blacked out---though I still have been resting a lot. I can't put weight on my right leg so I'm having to stay on crutches---and that knee is still very sore and tender so I'm having to be very careful....

BUT---the doctor said he expects a full recovery and that I WILL be able to run again!!!

YAY!!!!!!!!

Christmas is coming up soon----Paul & I have been decorating his place...

My sister is engaged and will be marrying 2 days before my birthday.....

life is moving on.....

I feel more balanced, more relaxed---more alive than I ever have felt before...

LIFE IS GREAT!!!

Things in life are rolling right along....
I started graduate school. I have a great job. I'm in love. The relationship with my parents and family has improved immensely....

despite all that---there is still a part of me that hurts...Nightmares still come....
I'll never forget....i'll never fully be able to forget the abuse...the pain...the heartbreak.

I know God has plans to use all that I experienced to grow me and to help others...i know that. I feel guilty everytime I think "I wish it hadn't been me." Everything I went through landed me in this beautiful life I'm in today. I truly am living a beautiful life...

So, why then, do nightmares and flashbacks still come? I tell myself it's so that I always remember where I've been---so I never forget---because the day I forget, the day I can say it doesn't hurt at all- is the day I'm no more useful to anyone... I tell myself having been through what I have is what will make me most useful to others....in order to truly sympathize with someone who is in pain, I have to know what pain feels like...

I know what pain is...i've felt pain....

and today, I live a beautiful life...
.....

......it's a beautiful life

things NEVER to say to an ED patient

...so I was out getting tea today at Starbucks with a friend. we'd decided to get tea and go to the "small" (that's a small-mall) here in town....
I got my tea and was putting a bit of cream and sweetner in it and an acquaintance came over to me...I KNOW she meant well- but one of the worst things you could say to an eating disorder patient came out of her mouth:
"You look good. you look---um healthy. you look like you are doing well"
first off, for the record, I AM doing well. In fact, I've NEVER done as well as I am doing now...
BUT---that is the LAST thing I want to hear. why, you ask?
When you approach an eating disordered person with a comment about their body- all of your good intentions are washed away and all they hear is the voice of the eating disorder. ...so what did I hear?
"YOu have gained weight. you are fatter now. you must be better because you are bigger"
I KNOW THIS IS ALL IN MY HEAD. don't get confused, I know that she meant well and just wanted to say she hoped my outsides, my having gained weight, is just a sign that my insides are well, too---that emotionally I'm more stable...
the problem lies in this: any time you say anything body related to an eating disorder patient/person, you automatically lose their interest; you spark that voice inside them that they fight so hard to ignore....
WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ABLE OUR BODIES?!
why does it have to be about our looks?
why can't you just come and say, "Hey haven't seen you in a while. how are you? what is new with you?"
why must you bring up our bodies?
i lived years- years- with self-hatred for my body. I've had to fight, blood, sweat, and tears, to make my life something different. I have to fight daily to focus on my life instead of my body. Frankly- I don't want you, average american, to point out that I "look" better. I can see it in the mirror every day. Frankly, there are few people i want to hear about my body from----other patients who know what it's like to have to go through a body transformation and my boyfriend. I don't even want to hear it from my family and close friends...I don't want you to point out that I've gained weight or lost weight because you have no idea what the voices in my head have yelled at me every day of my life...I don't want you to reitterate that I've gained weight because I already have to fight against the voices that tell me that I've gained too much weight, that I'm worthless and fat and lazy. I also don't want you to point out if i've lost weight because that only empowers that voice in my head that says "You can lose just a bit more...a bit more and no one will know"
I want to hear from you "I miss you. how is school? how is work? how is life? how is your leg?- (seeing that it's in a stablization brace)"
I want to hear from you, "I'm concerned. are you ok? do you want to talk? do you want me to distract you with a funny story?"
I want you to listen. I want you to keep the conversation as far away from body talk as possible. I've lived an internal hell in my brain- hearing voices that tell me my worth depends on my body, listening to lies that my eating disorder tell me...quite honestly, I don't want to talk about bodies at all unless I'm with others who suffer from the same disease because they are the only ones who understand the battle in my head....
and for the record, you average women who are out there- you women who say you have no eating disorder, who say you don't have body issues: ---stop trying to kid yourself. we see you looking an extra time in the mirror. we see your brain contemplating that muffin at starbucks- knowing you want it, but beating yourself up because you know if you got it you'd have to work out an extra hour. You women out there you say to us, "embrace your body"- we see you. we see you on the treadmills pressing that extra mile because you know you have to go out to eat with your husband. we see you trying on jeans and examining the size of your butt in the mirror. we see you tug at your shirt because it's a bit too tight. we see you eat that piece of cake then skip supper and breakfast the next day.....
we see you....don't try to kid us...we are trying to get real with ourselves, with our families, with you...

and while we are at it, how about we go ahead and make a pact NOT to talk about our bodies or food or weight while we are eating, or have just eaten, or about to eat? One of the worst things is knowing I'm about to treat my body right- by having a meal- and hear someone say "Oh i'm just not that hungry- just a plain salad will do." or hearing the latest craze in diets. or hearing women talk of how they just want to lose a bit more weight...

I used to think all the food talk, all the weight talk, all the body talk, was just in my head...instead, everyday, I'm finding more and more that it's in my head- but it's also around me....it's in every women- some more so than others- and we are just reinforcing it in each other....
and I simply cannot put up with it any longer. I'm doing well- getting my life on track...I'm learning that I have to accept my body- i have to nurture my body- I have to treat it right because it IS a temple to my soul---and IF I want to complete whatever it is on thie earth that God, my higher power, created me to do, then I must take care of my temple...I'm working to do what I can- doing each next right thing...

I know the quote "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent"...i know that your words are simply words and that I can take and do with them what I please---but please understand that when you talk to a person who has an eating disorder, there is a negative voice inside their heads that twists everything you say...please understand, it's not as easy to hear what you say when it involves our bodies...or food- or weight....The more solid we get in recovery, we recognize this- which is why I know you mean well when you say I "look better"....thank god I know my worth isn't defined on how i "look"---many girls and guys are not yet to that stage and your seemingly harmless words can make or break them...

......
it's just a thought that's been on my mind for over 5 years now....something I've battled the past 3 years of recovery....something I finally had to get off my chest today....
don't bring our bodies into the issue....
a simple "hey- how are you" will suffice.....

one step closer

this morning I filled out financial aid information and signed for yet another school loan----
which means...................
I'm ONE step closer to starting graduate school!!!!
yay!!! *does a little happy dance*
not to gloat---but I'm really proud of myself for continuing my education and for wanting to get as far as I can with my education.
that said- I KNOW it's only because of God that I've been able to come this far..I am very grateful that He is paving a way for me to further my education so that I may get my license in counseling.

on another note---i simply love and adore the girls of my monday group. they have my heart! let me explain- monday nights, I attend a 12-step group for EDs. We share our experiences, our strength, and our hope with one another- our "esh". Sometimes, I admit, I'm tired and would like to go home and veg out and get to bed- but I've made a commitment to going- and everytime I go I am blessed. They get me- they understand my rambling words- they hear the words that I leave unspoken- and I am so grateful for them. We are all on different journeys, in different stages, but each one helps me in so many ways; they motivate me just by showing up; they inspire me on days I feel un-inspirational. I simply love them!

another note--- I have been beyond blessed lately with this new job. The baby will be a month old on Aug 20 and she gets more darling everyday. The parents are amazing God-fearing people with huge hearts. I pray God will use me to bless them as they've entrusted me to care for their precious daughter.

random bit--- last night the boyfriend and I went to his mom's and fixed sushi- and oh my goodness- it was the bomb! (gosh that phrase is old school). we made our own rolls out of the veggies that my amazing chef boyfriend chopped (how handy to have him in the kitchen!). Let's just say- we each made 3 rolls and after 2 rolls I was STUFFED! my rolls were loaded: rice, shrimp, avacado, zucchini, squash, onion, & cucumber. Gosh- it was so delicious! I cannot wait to have home-made sushi again!
and as if eating supper with his mom isn't awesome enough----we also got some good chat time. She is an amazing lady---seriously. Her story is packed with things that will make you laugh and make you cry...for instance- she adopted 6 children and fostered probably over 50 throughout the years. Whenever I talk with her, she tells me story after story of different kids...i can't tire of them- even when Paul does *wink*. we were talking last night and randomly she said "you are going to be the one to write my story aren't you?" she said that people have told her she ought to write a book- but she says she's not a good writer. We joked for the next bit that I will be the one to write it for her----oh the honor that would be! -to compile all these different stories of the kids and their stories---how incredibly honoring that would be. As we left she hugged us both and said to me "now get started on that book!"....oh for such a thing to come true! That WOULD be awesome!
what is even more eerie than that---while we were on the way to her house earlier that day, Paul & I were joking about the future and he said "you'll have to make some big bucks for that!" and i said "just wait til i get my book published!" Crazy.......

i'm exhausted after a full weekend---suppose i should find some sleep....
whoever is out there---whoever is reading this---thanks...thanks for letting me speak my truth and tell my story....i pray you will be blessed indeed!

i just HAD to post this link:
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32393894/ns/entertainment-celebrities/

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/32415042#32415042

PLEASE GO READ THIS!!!

I woke up this morning- and then was digusted at this interview. SELF and Kelly are at fault for allowing this cover to be cropped in such a way---i know "beauty sells" but this goes too far! if she IS the most inspiring woman, then show her as she is!!!!
more than anything- it just makes me sad....and scared for young girls and other women who are not confident in themselves...I've fought hard to get to where I am today and I admit that I'm not always 100% happy with my body----but I'm learning and growing. Fact is, my body is beautiful because God made it this way...
i just wish we had more positive influences out there and less of the media showing us what "perfect" is supposed to look like.........

Once again, God has proved that He is faithful- that HE will provide...
i recently accepted a job as a nanny for a newborn (july 20 was her birthdate). How precious she is! I had just begun to get anxious about my financial situation--so i put the concern in my God box and before i knew it, a family was contacting me needing help. The parents are extremely sweet and understanding. The baby- Emma- is so adorable! I mainly come late in the afternoon and stay overnight to handle nightly feedings because the dad works in the ER & pulls longs shifts...it has truly been a answer to my prayers...they are so laid back---and the mom is only a few years older than me. I knew it was a fit the first interview when they asked would I be comfortable reading bible stories to the baby. Bells in my head went off- ding ding ding- and I knew God had once again showed me that when i put my faith in Him- He WILL see me through!

on a fun note- 31st of July, Paul & I flew out to Seattle to take a dog to his sister (long confusing story!) Mind you, I had NEVER been on a place before...can you imagine I was a BIT nervous! but OH MY GOODNESS!! it was SO beautiful out there! the weather was fabulous (even though they were in a heat wave), the air was NOTHING like this south Georgia humidity! I could straighten my hair in the morning and it STAYED straight all day instead of frizzing out! Not to mention- there was fresh produce growing EVERYWHERE!! Blackberries are like a weed there and I was eating them like my life depended on it! We went down to the Farmer's Market at Pike Place---let's just say- I could LIVE there! The entire time, Paul & I were joking at how we want to move up there---but I know we just went at the right time because come October it gets dark and dreary there--and I would most likely abhor it- as I HAVE to have my sunshine. .Gah- i could gab on and on about how amazing it was and how much fun we had. I definitely needed that trip...His sister's family is AMAZING! Their two kids were adorable & I wished we wouldn't have had to leave---but, alas, Georgia called us back.....i do hope we get to visit again though!

so- i have applied to graduate school and meet monday morning with the admissions lady to set up my financial aid! yay! I'm so excited that I this far in the process of being accepted. The professor i know from the college says I will get in-- I just keep praying! I do know that when I turned in my application, my personal statement brought the admissions lady to tears as she choked up "this is the best I have read in a very long time...I have a very good feeling about you." Gah! I'm trying not to get my hopes too high in the chance that I do not get accepted--it's so exciting to think in a few months I may start working towards my Masters and that I could possibly have my license in 2.5 years! I'm just praying God place me where He wants me!

It's crazy how life is rolling right along...everyday i stop and think- wow am I blessed! I am so incredibly blessed to have this- another day, another time, another life- to live...Everyday, I strive to put recovery on top of my list behind God. I know that where I am today is truly only a hint of grace and that I cannot take it for granted...and everyday, God is showing me more and more---and just when I think He cannot bless me anymore- HE DOES!!! When I talk to people about it- tears whell in my eyes, tears of joy, of peace...it's just so incredibly amazing that I was so lost, yet God sought me...how awesome to know you are never too far gone...

i'm on night-baby-duty...and I hear the baby stirring..it's time for her feeding then hopefully she will go down and sleep a few hours. guess that's my cue to get off the computer--but i just had to blog--to let it out once again how great God is....may you realize that today as well.....