Every night I lay in bed and hear the words in my head- creating sentences and conversations of things I need to say and release in order to stay of sound mind....Yet I'm often too exhausted to even type it- to roll over & grab my laptop and get it out......
Life is going well...good...really good. I have a week left of my master's program & will be obtaining my Masters in Professional Counseling-Clinical Mental Health focus. I just accepted a job- which I am afraid I took out of haste- and fear it is not the one for me...not because of the clients. Never because of the clients. It's the administration- the management. The Negativity amongst the other counselors- the heavy caseload & limited time to stay atop everything....I had an interview at another place- where I feel I WOULD feel comfortable...a place that puts the clients first- that takes better care of it's counselors- that truly promotes recovery and helps those suffering....I pray this job comes through---soon...
My husband has an amazing job where he is executive chef for a golf course- 2 golf courses technically, as the owner's just bought their second course. People brag on him and all the amazing work he has done and continues to do...on how amazing he is--- this I know, all so well...
And it's good- it's wonderful. Here we are living a dream we never imagined possible....we are both blessed---we are both survivors...we have been given way more than we ever deserved and because of that- we appreciate it in a way others might not...
At the moment, I have him sleeping beside me, with our two doggies snoring on their bed beside us, in our wonderful house, in the great neighborhood....and it feels my heart with such joy....such pride....such amazement..
6 years ago I was battling death...for several years there, I battled death and beckoned it to come to me....i prayed for it to take me. And I was given another chance....and another chance.....and another..
All the while- my husband was playing his own games in his world...welcoming death upon himself as well..and he was given another chance....another try....
Despite all the wonderful going on in our lives, I can recognize that I still get the occasional blues. I am successfully off all psychotropic medication- and just as when on the medication- the winter brings much emotion. Blame it on lack of vitamin D, blame it on genetics, blame it on whatever you may---it's there. I can acknowledge that, express that, and recognize that this time of year I am more emotional and have a lot more generating through my head..
I guess- I almost welcome it-- it keeps me real. It reminds me of just how far I've come. Of all the work I've put into where I am today.
And that recovery is ongoing. When I have feelings of sadness, when I don't think highly of my body, when I want to cry, when I consider the past and all I've been through....It's all just part of my road of recovery & self-discovery....and I'm grateful for all those times- the highs and lows and all in between.
My vow for the end of this year and the upcoming year---to get back in my writing...to start expressing myself in written form again...I deserve it and owe it to myself....
here's to yet another year of beating the odds....and hopes to another day of joy and recovery..

